GROWING PAINS

Whoa, what's this? A post? I know, even I am shocked. There is a good reason I have neglected to write anything for the last few weeks - mainly the crippling depression that has resulted from all this fucking bullshit I am going through as a result of that ill-fated decision back in December to get behind the wheel of a car when I clearly should not have.

It's been about 2 weeks since I went to court, which is almost enough time to wrap my head around how difficult the next 2 years of my life is going to be. See, the prosecutor decided to throw the full weight of punishment against me (short of jail that is - and I seem to narrowly avoided that).

In addition to the fines, 75 hours of "alcohol classes" I have to take and the 200 hours of community service I have to perform - I am now on court ordered supervision for 24 months. Seems a bot harsh for a first time offender without no prior record (not even a speeding ticket).

What does that mean? Well, for one thing I cannot consume any intoxicating substances, not even a fucking beer! Random piss tests are part of this deal too, and get this: I can't even leave the state without permission. Oh, and if I get into any trouble I am facing a WORLD OF SHIT, i.e. possible incarceration.

So I am broke (or will soon be) and struggling to remain sober and maintain some semblance of a relationship with my brother and my sister in law who are understandably furious at me. Although I have the support of great friends, it's hard getting through this without my family around. I am most unhappy about this.

It's not all crap. I do feel a positive difference physically (not drinking will do that), I'm getting back into a gym routine and the weather is finally turning towards Spring, a season that is arguably more important to those that live in Chicago than most other locales. And I got laid on Valentine's Day, so there's that.

I got a long, hard road to go. That being said, when this is all said and done, I do think I'll have changed for the better. Thanks for reading.

WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

This morning I was reading yesterday's Tribune while laying in bed; the front page headline was "Winter Blues" with dramatic type-face and several graphics. The article went on to point out the "one-two" of last week's blizzard and this week's sub-arctic temperatures. Why this is news worthy is beyond me. I could have written that article with my iPhone while waiting for the fucking Western #49 bus.

Anyways, I have noticed friends and co-workers submitting to this very real phenomenon (myself included).Having said that, I've been trying to fight it my being creative in a way that only a 12 year old can be. Case in point, I was drinking a beer with a co-worker after my shift ended and we kept calling the bar's land line, watching a random person scramble to answer it, only to hang up on them. Not mature behavior but fucking hilarious (you had to be there).

My point is, to battle the regular expected depression that is endemic this time of year, DO FUCKING SOMETHING. Even if it's a stupid idea of fun, or attending a political fund-raiser (this Sunday) or putting your balls in a stranger's mouth. DO SOMETHING. Invent your reality. That's my Dr. Phil-ish advice. Take it, leave it, piss on it or set it on fire. Or all the above.

MY "NEW" HAIRCUT

Back in November I cut my hair, by myself with my ghetto ass clippers; I intended to simply "take a bit off" but half way through the cut, the spring that decides the length of the cut broke. So to match the much shorter/bald patch, I had to even it out. Which resulted in me rocking almost NO hair just when it got bullshit cold. FUCK.

Fast forward to last Thursday. My hair grows super fast and I figured enough time had elapsed when a proper Barber could do something with my head. I actually did some re-con, in the form of flipping through 2 past issues of GQ for inspiration [I should note that I have NEVER taken a picture with me - as to say "make me look like this!"]. The actual (scanned) picture I took with me (below) reveals both my latent narcissism and vanity (it's a 2-FER!).

If only I was 25% as hot as that guy. I've had super short hair since at least the last 10 years. Many times I've simply buzzed my hair off solo, but after I saw this picture, I really wanted something similar...yet just a bit different. Like, instead of buzzing everything with a #1 blade, I was thinking of using a #4 all around, and then using a sharp comb blade thing to give the sides, back and top texture.

But this was lost on the Serbian woman cutting my hair. She did a good job, for real, although not one person has made any mention of it. Damn! Haha. This $15 job looks no different from the $0 version I can do in my bathroom. With one huge difference...anyone else really, really fucking enjoy the hot shaving cream/straight blade shave? I think it's awesome!

TIME TO BREAK OUT THE BIG GUNS

This isn't the first time I've referenced my Big Ass Boots on here, although since I'm a lazy bitch I won't bother with backtracking and finding the prior post links. So, it's officially FUCKING WINTER in Chicago all of a sudden. This isn't a surprise, as it's that time of year, but really, when it's in the upper 30's, and falls to 4 degrees the next day, well, it's a bit of a shock.

Those boots are anything but pretty, however I equate them with how women must feel when rocking their best-est pair of high heels. When I strap these on, I'm suddenly 2 inches taller and feel practically invincible. With the combination of the steel toe/heel, I could totally shatter someone's knee caps if I needed to. These aren't merely shoes, they are FUCKING WEAPONS!

Unfortunately, they're about as comfortable as they look. Which is not much. At all. Still, these boys will allow me to traverse the treacherous terrain (alliteration alert!) that is a Chicago Winter. And to add to my winter arsenal, I'm taking a voyage to a work clothes type store on the near west side of the city, to get outfitted with a proper insulated hat, a plethora of wool socks and perhaps some long johns. TODAY.

This certainly isn't my "first rodeo", but this will be my first winter without benefit of a car...it's gonna pretty much blow.

DELSYM...MY SAVIOR

On Friday afternoon I just knew that my luck had run out, and that no matter how much I fought it, I was indeed SICK. An hour before I had to leave for work I went on a 10-minute coughing fit and I couldn't breath. Sounds like fun, no?

Well then try being surrounded by drunk/coked-out hipsters and thugs with a head full of cold pills. TOTALLY RAD it was not. Still, I got through the night. Saturday wasn't exactly a picnic either, but the real FUN occurred yesterday. 

My friend and I decided to feist on an ass-load of home-made Mexican food. The tacos were seriously awesome, which is why it's unfortunate that my stomach disagreed. My friend thought I was joking when I began to violently puke in my kitchen sink. I won't even go into detail about how I "redecorated" my bathroom with said Mexican food. YUM!

Thankfully Roomie took pity on me and ordered me to consume the magic exlixsor that is Delsym (although I don't have health insurance, I have the next best thing, a Pre-Med Roomie!). Fuck, I think I slept for 17 or 18 hours yesterday and today. I fell MUCH better!

PS - There is snow on the ground. I'm NOT happy about this...

WINTER DOLDRUMS

Hey y'all mothafuckahs...I am indeed alive. Haven't been posting much these last few days because, frankly I have had nothing really to write about. That coupled with the pall of traditional winter depression that I get this time of year has made me into a mute of sorts.

Seriously. I keep finding myself in various social situations when I feel like I just NOTHING to fucking say. And rather than ramble about Olympic athletes who smoke pot, the Super Bowl that I could give a fuck about and my un-fruitful attempts at regular employment and/or complete and total inability to secure a date, I have chose to be quiet. 

But in the interest of writing something, I guess I could post my near-daily schedule:

9:15AM: Wake up, take a piss.

9:17AM: Go back to sleep.

9:45AM: Turn over, open my blinds, curse the gray winter sky, and read a book in bed.

10:15AM: Check my e-mail, and seeing that no one has responded to any jobs I've replied to...

10:17AM: ...open a new browser tab and jerk-off.

10:24AM: Go downstairs, fetch the Tribune. 

10:25AM: Breakfast: 1 orange, 2 scrambled eggs over 2 warm tortillas, 1 glass of milk. 

10:45AM: Go catch up on my "morning paper-work". 

10:55AM: 1st smoke of the day.

11:00AM: Search for jobs to apply to...

11:15AM: ...get frustrated, have 2nd smoke of day. 

11:20AM: Mixture of looking and/or applying for more jobs/jerk-off again.

12:15PM: Read rest of Tribune.

1:30PM: Usually some kind of chore such as shopping/cleaning/laundry/scaring children.

4:00PM: CRACK first beer of day, then check e-mail again for possible job responses (there never are).

4:15PM: Watch Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare's or Top Gear.

6:00PM: BBC World News

7:00PM: Cry and/or drink more and/or masturbate (depending on the news of the day).

7:15PM: Shower, get ready to go out or have friends over.....SMOKE....DRINK....REPEAT.

10:00PM: Daily Show/Colbert Report

11:00PM: ETC.........................................................................

2:00AM: Watch "Queer as Folk" on LOGO.

3:00AM: Read in bed, go to sleep. 

Exciting, no? Right. Well, this used to be my dream schedule, but after this pattern continued unabated (more or less) into the new year, and every day started to feel like Groundhog Day. Admittedly, I have also been trying to do other things for free, like go to museums, exercise while watching TV (definition of oxymoron) and cook healthy, fresh food (Gordon would be proud). 

OTHER STATS FROM THIS WEEK:

# of times stood up this week: 2

# of times I've watched re-runs of the Real World Brooklyn: 3

# of Camel Lights consumed: I plead the 5th

# of beers consumed: see above

# of friend's VW Jetta's resurrected from the dead: 1

# of colds I got that I beat the FUCK down: 1

# of times I've listened to N.A.S.A.'s new record straight thru: 6 

# of FUCKING FRIGHTENING REALISTIC NIGHTMARES ABOUT BEING IN A 747 CRASHING: 1 

I'd go one with more inane blogging, but I need to leave and get more beer so I can drink my way through BBC World News, before I report for Doorman/Bad-Ass duty at the bar/club tonight. 

Caio bitches!

I'M A REAL CHAWGAWN NOW!

For years I've railed against the people that mark "their" parking spot after a heavy snowfall with chairs/couches/baby cribs/etc. Only, selfish, lazy pieces of shit would do such a thing, and as I am clearly none of these things, I valiantly, selflessly "gave up" the spot that I had thoroughly dugout.

Well, guess what? I am now a selfish, lazy piece of shit! What finally wore down my high minded sense of sense of parking civility, was my experience trying to get out of my parking spot a few days ago. I dug, I spun my wheels, did various combinations of 2nd-to1st gear launches, and after 30 minutes of this bullshit I nearly had enough.

The real breaking point was reached the following morning. I woke up to find that my right shoulder was fucking FUCKED from shoveling all that snow. Somehow the pain has spread to my arm and even my wrist. Hey, THAT'S MY MASTURBATING SHOULDER/ARM/WRIST people! Fuck my neighbors, that spot is FUCKING MINE!

Now I know why I kept those dirty plastic chairs that have been sitting unused on my back porch for years. I think I've been a pretty good sport over the last 6 months. Yeah, losing my job kinda sucked, and getting unceremoniously dumped at 2AM in front of a dive bar was no picnic. But if I can't at crank one out at least once a day, well, I might as well not breath.

[Note: I can masturbate through the pain, but still, the thought of losing that ability trumps any and all mutual respect for my fellow citizens.]

LET'S PUT MY FILM DEGREE TO WORK!

So, I've been a bit of movie watching tear as of late. It's probably due in part to the weather (we got 7" or 8" of snow yesterday on the North Side) and having had yesterday off. Two of the three movies I thought were excellent; but let's begin with the flaming pile of shit I watched on Wednesday Night.

I'll be honest. Every so often I put some bullshit on my Netflix queue. While scanning various titles something will pique my interest, however by time it arrives, usually a month or so later, I will have totally forgotten about why I rented the movie.

CUT SLEEVE BOYS

In this case, I apparently decided at some point that I wanted to watch "The First Gay British Chinese Movie". Gawd was this awful. How bad was it? I was thinking of returning it via Fed Ex to get it as far away from me as fast as possible. It might have been worse than anything I have ever seen. And that includes "Overboard".

Still, bad as it was I couldn't turn it off. Five minutes in I realized what a grave mistake I had made, got up intending to turn it off, but it was so bad...I couldn't do it. So I paused it, made a stiff Bacardi & Coke and dug in my heels for what was sure to result in me regretting 2 hours of my life lost watching this shit.

Here's a preview:

What if you're gay buddy called you up one day and said "you know, I'm just not meeting the type of guys that I'm into" and the solution to said problem included becoming a tranny? And then pursuing a relationship with a sorta-hot-ex-Green-Beret who refuses to admit he's gay. Who then decides he's also a tranny and the two boy/girls live happily ever after.

Then there's the other guy. A fading "Go-Go-Boy" who has disowned his family, seems to have but one friend (the sorta-tranny) and apparently decided to blow some Kinda-Hot-Blond-Bloke from the burbs in a train station. The Bloke shows up at his doorstep, but Bitch won't have none of it. By the time Bitch realizes he loves Bloke, Bloke has turned into a gay stripper/meth-head/asshole.

Oh, and the movie starts with their other BFF having died during blowjob/poppers-sniffing induced heart attack in the stall of a bathroom (in a subway). Neither friends seem to give a shit that their BFF is dead, to the point of flirting with the priest during the funeral. This movie makes me want to attend one of those "scared straight" programs in Texas. Better yet, Arkansas.

PARANOID PARK

This one I went to see "in person", as in a proper theater. And it was THE SHIT! My friend didn't like it that much, but I thought it nothing short of brilliant. My enthusiasm likely stems from my technical appreciation of the movie, particularly the editing.

One scene in particular stands out; the main character, who by the way has never acted in a film, dumps his bitchy/diva GF. Her reaction takes places in slow-mo, with no actual audible dialogue. And it's a moment of pure genius. Mixing 8mm film stock with 35mm is also beyond refreshing in this day and age of Hi-Def.

Take a look:

It's basically a "who-done-it" flick, and in this case you know who did it, but you don't know how or why until it's over. Although I watched this movie on Thursday Night, it still lingers in my head. Gus van Sant is one of my favorite directors, and this is his best film in years. Good. Shit.

THE LOOKOUT

As much as I enjoyed Paranoid Park, I liked this one better. [Full disclosure: I've had a crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt since Third Rock From the Sun, long before I realized which team I play for.] Outside of that, this is a finely written movie, almost the an-thesis of Paranoid Park (which is all about the visual aspect of story telling) with a narrative structure like a mothafuckah.

It begins with a much younger JGL in his glory days when he's a Mustang-Driving-Ice-Hockey-Jock. One fateful night he's driving down a dark country road when, OH FUCK! happens. Head trauma ensues but he lives, albeit in a lessor state. He is however, deemed capable of being a janitor at a local bank...the shady/womanizer/oddly attractive dude enters the picture. He has already decided to rob the bank that JGL works at, but they want him to be...The Lookout:

Does that not look like an awesome movie? I'm here to tell you that it is, indeed, all kinds of awesome. Sweet trailer too; having watched it, it's cool how they start the clip at the "Holy Shit!" part of the film. The rest of it is very entertaining as well...WHOEVER HAS THE MONEY HAS THE POWER!

I THINK I HAVE THE "SAD"

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated half a million people every Winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February.It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight in winter.

This is nothing new. Having lived in the upper Midwest my entire life I fully expect the months of January, February & March to be "the Dead months". That being said, this particular winter season has been especially aggravating, not to mention fucking depressing.

Example: this morning I woke up and thought about how awesome it would be to hit up Trader Joe's and get food to make a killer breakfast - eggs, bacon, potatoes, fresh fruit, sausage - the whole nine yards. Then I looked out of the window that was rattling from the viscous winds and thought "nah, fuck that, I'm staying in".

Eventually I did make it out to meet friends for breakfast, but the little things, like un-parking my car, which was resting upon a bed of ice/slush/bullshit was in and of itself a minor adventure. Really, is it too much to ask not to have to almost get stuck anytime I want to drive somewhere?

After I got breakfast, a freak thunderstorm broke out. I'm talking thunder, lightning, wind - all that shit. It was crazy. Currently the temperature is 45 degrees. Tonight it's supposed to drop to the lower 20's and we're supposed to get more snow. This also means that all the standing water will freeze over.

FUCK. THIS.

Don't get me wrong, there are things I want to do. Today I was planning on going to the Chicago History Museum. Maybe not the "sexiest" thing to do but it seemed like an interesting way to spend a gray afternoon. Now, I'm unsure if I even have the energy to walk to Blockbuster...

This has been a long, hard winter and until now I think I've dealt with it fairly well. But whatever reservoir of patience/steely resolve I have tapped into seems depleted.

Perhaps I'll take tomorrow off from work, or buy tickets to fly somewhere nice and sunny. Something, anything to make me feel less like the Zofolt rock: