THINGS WE DON'T WANT SPACE INVADERS TO FIND WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY CONQUER US HUMANS

When this world eventually craps out, and I'm sure it probably will at some point, I was discussing with my friend what we, as humans, do NOT want to be found. Hopefully Al Gore, or whoever is in charge of the internet hits the "delete history" button before the asteroid hits, or we experience a massive melt down, or something else worse. Here's a partial list, off the cuff, of the shit we don't want found.

-Paris Hilton's sex tape

-People, US Weekly and/or Cosmo Girl magazines

-Flip Flops

-Donald Trump

-Nicorette Gum

-AOL

-The Black Eyed Peas

-Los Angeles

-Arena Football

-The Hello Kitty toaster

-Tanning Booths

-Paris Hilton

-Lottery tickets

-Karaoke

-Ted Haggerd

-Star Wars

-Wine in a box

-Topaz jewelry

-Bongs

-Space Shuttle(s)

-Pictionary

-Hallmark cards

-Cinnamon

-Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts

-Comcast

-Starbucks

-The Sunday Chicago Tribune

-MTV

-CATS the musical

-Dick Cheney

-Cadillac Pick-Up Trucks

-Land Mines

-World's Best Grandpa coffee mugs

-Crossword puzzles

-Meth labs

-Pop Tarts

-Alf

-Cirque Du Soleil

-Best/Worst Dressed Lists

-Competitive cooking TV shows

-Red Light cameras

-Wal-Mart

-The 80's

-My high school year book pictures

-Blue Men Group

-Lawyers

-The color teal

-Carnival cruise ships

-Branson, Missouri

-White Power

-The Military Industrial Complex

-Temporary tattoos

-Lean Cuisine

-Drive Time radio DJ's

-The Super Bowl

-IKEA

-Anti-Gay marriage laws

-Khaki pants

-Iced coffee

-The British Monarchy

-Corporate synergy

-The Dallas Cowboys

-Sloppy Joes

SO, you see, this is only a partial list, and I'm sure I left many things off it. Feel free to add your items/thoughts to the "we don't need this fucking shit to be found" register. Also, feel free to make a bet on the last man standing when civilization implodes. I got $20 on Richard Simmons. Fuck, for all I now Paula Dean will outlive anyone reading this.

WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

This morning I was reading yesterday's Tribune while laying in bed; the front page headline was "Winter Blues" with dramatic type-face and several graphics. The article went on to point out the "one-two" of last week's blizzard and this week's sub-arctic temperatures. Why this is news worthy is beyond me. I could have written that article with my iPhone while waiting for the fucking Western #49 bus.

Anyways, I have noticed friends and co-workers submitting to this very real phenomenon (myself included).Having said that, I've been trying to fight it my being creative in a way that only a 12 year old can be. Case in point, I was drinking a beer with a co-worker after my shift ended and we kept calling the bar's land line, watching a random person scramble to answer it, only to hang up on them. Not mature behavior but fucking hilarious (you had to be there).

My point is, to battle the regular expected depression that is endemic this time of year, DO FUCKING SOMETHING. Even if it's a stupid idea of fun, or attending a political fund-raiser (this Sunday) or putting your balls in a stranger's mouth. DO SOMETHING. Invent your reality. That's my Dr. Phil-ish advice. Take it, leave it, piss on it or set it on fire. Or all the above.

AN EXPLANATION FOR MY LACK OF RECENT POSTS

This weekend marks the 7th month of my employment as a Bar Back, a profession for which I certainly never excepted to find my in, yet here I am, barely able to find more than 2 consecutive days off, knees, shot, relationships affected at best, voided at worst. Yet here I stand, er sit.

I refrained from posting because I realized that not even my close friends, let alone acquaintances, to say nothing of blog readers want to hear about my random trivial working life; I realize it's petty and uninteresting, so I made the decision to spare you all the boredom.

That being said, I suppose I could spin certain observations into narratives that may hold one's attention, but probably not. Not too mention, I've just been too tired too tired too even try. You can chalk it up to drinking too much, money issues or my "place" in the world. My perspective is simply too warped, both fragile and raw.

My days and nights blend together into an endless continuum of set shifts of work, and ones asked of me at the last moment that I feel I can't pass up, because...I live on tips, or more specifically the random generosity of random strangers grateful or not more my submissive service.

Most nights, when I close down the bar, I seek safe transportation home, in a beautiful yet very dangerous city, pocket full of hard earned and usually lean cash, ready to be stolen.

The grateful nights my friend does not pick me up (bless him) I keep my Bar Key, a useless weapon, hidden in my front pocket, hiding it so not as to tip off an offender as to my occupation, yet keeping it "ready" as a defense mechanism.

My days are short, isolated, the nights, long, the mornings after even longer and involve too much thinking about my current life; social, work and romantic inclinations almost never blend well at these times.

I've been having fucked up "dreams" that entwine these various parts of my disparate life. Sometimes they help to make sense of it, other times, they make it more confusing.

So you see, none of the above is an excuse...merely an explanation. Or maybe not, it's up to you.

FACEBOOK IS GETTING ON MY NERVES

I'm assuming most people out there have long since migrated from MySpace (what a piece of shit) to Facebook (a slightly less piece of shit). It's cool though, and it's allowed me to reconnect with many people I haven't heard from in years. That's the positive aspect...

On the flip side though...I REALLY don't need to know about every little detail about people's day. This trend is especially apparent with couples. It's annoying enough to have to watch an "oh so cute!" couple in person, who can't keep their hands off each other. To replicate this digitally makes me slightly more than slightly nauseous.

Please don't think I'm being a joy-kill or anything; I'm totally down with couples being in love/lust or whatever. I just don't need to fucking read about it. Every. Time. I. Log. On.

The other thing that annoys me too is how sarcasm apparently does NOT travel via Facebook status updates. I'll write something stupid, such as my current "update:" Hmmm...nothing left to clean in my apartment...what to do? Oh! Cemetery walk! WOOT! People I have friended on their from grade school, or [God forbid] Mom's of my friend's probably read that and think I'm fucking crazy.

Oh, and I used to think no one paid attention to what I wrote since I never got any replies or thumbs up or whatever the fuck people do on that site - WRONG! I guess people who are actually gainfully employed spend an inordinate amount of time reading that shit at work. GET TO WORK PEOPLE! Haha, like I give a shit.

THE MOST ANNOYING NIGHT OF WORK EVER!

HOLY SHIT! Working on Halloween sucks! Checking ID's when people are wearing costumes is not cool. Nor is not having your manager not there to back you up, and really not good is having the "stand in" manager leave at 1AM...and then...daylight savings! UGH X 10! I'm sitting there thinking "oh, it's only another hour or so" but after we "fell back", and gained another hour, we stayed open LATE. 7 hours of this bullshit I dealt with. And people were FUCKED up. One dude passed out cold and I feared he would piss on the couch he was sprawled out on. And at one point it was raining fake body parts, courtesy of the assholes throwing a party above the bar. Also...OK, sorry, I just un-flipped my bitch switch. I'll stop!

PS - But yeah, I didn't arrive home until 6AM! Not fucking cool!

DA MAYAH IS PISSED!

Oh man, there are few things I like better than when our illustrious OVERLOAD, aka Mayor Richard M Daley, goes ballistic during press conferences. He doesn't yell, no, he snarls and on occasion there appears to be spittle flying from his mouth. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

The most recent press conference/rant touched upon the subject of this typically erroneous attack ad endorsed by geriatric wunderkind McCain. Take a look:

Now I could run around the web and gather various quotes and such to dispute all 76 words uttered in that ad, but I prefer Daley's response: "You want to get tough in politics, I can get tough in politics as anyone else," Daley said. "When you start throwing mud, mud is going to be thrown at you and it's going to be sticky." YIKES!

He then went on to remind us that McCain is one of the famous Keating Five. Oh snap! Forgot about that little "whoopsie" but now that I think about, how could anyone in their right mind want McCain to fix the housing crisis with blood like that on his hands?

Bottom line, leave the subject of Chicago politics out of the Presidential race. Besides being unrelated to more important concerns like foreign policy, health care, etc, it's just plain obvious. Politics in Chicago and Illinois is corrupt? WHOA! Thanks for blowing my fucking mind! Don't fuck with the Chicago Machine bitch, it'll bite your dick off.

EGYPT: BLOGGER GETS 4 YEARS

"An Alexandria court sentenced a blogger, Abdel Kareem Nabil, to four years in prison for insulting Islam and Egypt’s president through his Internet writings. It was Egypt’s first prosecution of a blogger, but the case of Mr. Nabil, 22, a vocal secularist and sharp critic of conservative Muslims in his blog, has sent a chill through fellow Internet writers."

Source: New York Times

Fucking sucks.

PAST LIFE

I was googling to find a William H. Burroughs quote today, one in which he explains his “past lives” bio. Never found the quote but I did find this: Past Life Analysis. You simply type in your date of birth and the site generates a “Past Life Diagnosis”. Here is mine:

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your lastearthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modernNorth India around the year 700. Your profession was that of a builderof houses, temples and cathedrals.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:You had the mind of a scientist, always seeking new explanations. Yourenvironment often misunderstood you, but respected your knowledge.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:Your lesson is to study, to practice and to use the wisdom that lieswithin the psychological sciences and in ancient manuscripts. Withstrong faith and hard work you will reach your real destiny in yourpresent life.

Do you remember now?

First of all, it’s creepy when electronics speak to me, especially since I respond. Secondly, I hate new age shit like this. I’m mildly interested in philosophy and took a few classes in college but that’s as far as I go. Plus, I’ve had plenty of experiences “philosophizing” under the influence of psychotropic compounds that, instead of being illuminating or mind altering is really just inane gibberish. Or at least it is once sober. Example: “The glass isn’t half full or half empty; it’s just a glass, man…” I really said that once. But in my defense I was still in high school at the time and listening to The Doors.

So, “how do I feel about this”? I suppose there are a few things that make sense. I can see myself being a builder in a past life. I used to always play with my Dad’s power tools when I was little to build stuff, I’m a huge architecture nerd and although I haven’t stepped foot inside a church in several years, I still admire them from the outside.

I like how it’s phrased “you HAD the mind of a scientist”. Well, that very well might be true because in this present life, science is one of my arch enemies. I remember having to learn the periodic table of elements in grade school and it freaking the fuck out. All those colors and numbers…no thank you. Photosynthesis? I know it involves plants and sunlight, that’s about it though.

And no, Mr. Computer, I don’t remember now who I really was in my past life, so I’m still going with the theory that I used to be Steve McQueen and have reincarnated as a gay man to spite his homophobic tendencies. Payback’s a bitch.