Not more than 12 hours after posting my resume on CareerBuilder, my e-mail box has already been deluged with a plethora of automatically generated job offers that I would would NEVER consider. Here's an example:
Dear Justin,
After "reviewing" [note: my air quotes] your resume on CareerBuilder, and "considering" [note: ditto] your background and qualifications, I invite you to explore a rewarding opportunity as an American Consultants Financial Professional in our Elmhurst Office [note: has anyone else ever been to Elmhurst? Eeewwww!]
American Consultants, LLC, is currently hiring highly motivated and qualified persons like yourself to join our team of financial professionals. I believe with your qualifications you would succeed in our challenging and fast-paced environment.
[blah, blah, blah]
I look forward to exploring this rewarding opportunity with you. Sincerely, John Doe Executive Vice President American Consultants Chicago
While I'd like to think that an Executive VP of a Fortune 500 personally took time out of his day to respond a resume with zero background in the financial industry, I'd personally like to take this opportunity to invite CareerBuilder to TITILLATE ITSELF WITH A RUSTY COAT HANGER.
The only reason I posted my resume on that shit site (and it isn't even the real one I use to apply for real jobs) is so that I can prove to the state that I'm actively looking for a job instead of masturbating and drinking vodka at 2PM on a Monday (which I may or may not be doing in between writing cover letters).
I'll work my contacts and apply to jobs that I actually have an interest in....fuck you very much.
Worse come to worse I'd rather valet cars, or better yet, sling sando's at Subway than work for a Fortune 500 company in a "fast paced environment". Are there any jobs in the United States that aren't "fast paced"? With the exception of working at the DMV, I can't think of one.
If you're not suited to working in a fast paced environment in this economy, you might as well choke on a bottle of Valium and say good night.
Or go into politics.
Dear Justin,
After "reviewing" [note: my air quotes] your resume on CareerBuilder, and "considering" [note: ditto] your background and qualifications, I invite you to explore a rewarding opportunity as an American Consultants Financial Professional in our Elmhurst Office [note: has anyone else ever been to Elmhurst? Eeewwww!]
American Consultants, LLC, is currently hiring highly motivated and qualified persons like yourself to join our team of financial professionals. I believe with your qualifications you would succeed in our challenging and fast-paced environment.
[blah, blah, blah]
I look forward to exploring this rewarding opportunity with you. Sincerely, John Doe Executive Vice President American Consultants Chicago
While I'd like to think that an Executive VP of a Fortune 500 personally took time out of his day to respond a resume with zero background in the financial industry, I'd personally like to take this opportunity to invite CareerBuilder to TITILLATE ITSELF WITH A RUSTY COAT HANGER.
The only reason I posted my resume on that shit site (and it isn't even the real one I use to apply for real jobs) is so that I can prove to the state that I'm actively looking for a job instead of masturbating and drinking vodka at 2PM on a Monday (which I may or may not be doing in between writing cover letters).
I'll work my contacts and apply to jobs that I actually have an interest in....fuck you very much.
Worse come to worse I'd rather valet cars, or better yet, sling sando's at Subway than work for a Fortune 500 company in a "fast paced environment". Are there any jobs in the United States that aren't "fast paced"? With the exception of working at the DMV, I can't think of one.
If you're not suited to working in a fast paced environment in this economy, you might as well choke on a bottle of Valium and say good night.
Or go into politics.
