Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Not more than 12 hours after posting my resume on CareerBuilder, my e-mail box has already been deluged with a plethora of automatically generated job offers that I would would NEVER consider. Here's an example:

Dear Justin,

After "reviewing"
[note: my air quotes] your resume on CareerBuilder, and "considering" [note: ditto] your background and qualifications, I invite you to explore a rewarding opportunity as an American Consultants Financial Professional in our Elmhurst Office [note: has anyone else ever been to Elmhurst? Eeewwww!]

American Consultants, LLC, is currently hiring highly motivated and qualified persons like yourself to join our team of financial professionals. I believe with your qualifications you would succeed in our challenging and fast-paced environment.

[blah, blah, blah]

I look forward to exploring this rewarding opportunity with you. Sincerely, John Doe Executive Vice President American Consultants Chicago

While I'd like to think that an Executive VP of a Fortune 500 personally took time out of his day to respond a resume with zero background in the financial industry, I'd personally like to take this opportunity to invite CareerBuilder to TITILLATE ITSELF WITH A RUSTY COAT HANGER.

The only reason I posted my resume on that shit site (and it isn't even the real one I use to apply for real jobs) is so that I can prove to the state that I'm actively looking for a job instead of masturbating and drinking vodka at 2PM on a Monday (which I may or may not be doing in between writing cover letters).

I'll work my contacts and apply to jobs that I actually have an interest in....fuck you very much.

Worse come to worse I'd rather valet cars, or better yet, sling sando's at Subway than work for a Fortune 500 company in a "fast paced environment". Are there any jobs in the United States that aren't "fast paced"? With the exception of working at the DMV, I can't think of one.

If you're not suited to working in a fast paced environment in this economy, you might as well choke on a bottle of Valium and say good night.

Or go into politics.


rach said...

OMG! I constantly get those emails (and calls too!) since I recently posted my resume. And I too, have NO FINANCIAL BACKGROUND! I feel your pain! I wish these people would get a clue!

Cockbag LLC said...

Get a job in higher education. Not so fast paced environment, good benefits, and lots of days off. The downside-may not be the best.

Devyn said...

Justin, OMG! I hope you didn't use your regular email address..... I had my regular email address on both Monster and CB for four days last July (07) and I am still getting bucket-loads of spam job offers... Create an email address just for your job hunt then afterward, you don't have to even check that account...

joe said...

Actually, I found that www.indeed.com worked best for me. It combines all of the job sites (monster, career builder, hot jobs, dice, diversity inc., etc) and you can apply to which ones you like as opposed to having your resume searchable.

I'm in your same boat and I've found some decent leads.

ex-roomie said...

You know that video below starts automatically with sound when I open your blog? It starts with a Bedding Experts ad....

JUSTIN said...

@ex-roomie: it's the luck of the draw, it's either the video I intended, the Bedding Experts Ad, or something for Lexus. Get fucked Tribune.com!

BG said...

I like your blog, but as a Brewers' fan, I can't link here. I'm not sorry. Thanks for the laugh.