I CUT MY HAIR (AND HAD MY EYEBROWS TRIMMED)

For the last year and a half plus, I wore my hair in a decidedly "shaggy" fashion, not unlike Justin Beiber but less kept. Finally, I reached my breaking point when I couldn't insert headphones into my ears without trapping hair in there. So I had my hair cut off, over 6 inches in places, and it feels SO fucking good!

My boss was struggling to define his positive feelings towards this change, mostly, he seemed to say how more "mature" I look, as befitting a man about to turn 32 years of age. It was time. Funny though about the little changes; my fitted baseball caps fit yet again and I had to bring in the chin strap on my bike helmet.

On the same day I got this shit cut, I ended it with the 23 y/o Fuck Buddy. It was getting too real, in that either it was going to turn into an actual relationship, or not, and I choose the latter. He's too young, I got too much else to deal with and just wasn't feeling it were the reasons I gave. No sense in pretending otherwise.

So I am unattached, clear of mind, and without a roommate for the next week (she's visiting her family in Poland). I feel good, better in fact than I have in a long while. Summer is drawing to a close, work is good, and I'm turning 32 y/o next Sunday. Life is good, my place is spotless and I'm anticipating my next relationship.

WOOT.

I GUESS THE UNIVERSE LIKES ME AFTER ALL

So...in the last 24 hours the universe has rewarded me with a modest raise, another 2 shifts and a 3AM booty call. I can't make this shit up. I was steering clear of my favorite co-worker since she quit smoking 2 days ago, being the sensible guy I am, I played the loudest, most dirty hip-hop I had on my iPhone, and did shots of whiskey with the kitchen staff.

Around this time I get a text from this guy I haven't seen or heard from in at least 2 years. He's all hot and horny to hang out, and he had weed, so why not chill at 4am? He looked good too...cute, skinny black dude at least 8 years my junior.

Anyways...I forgot that my current Roomie is throwing a bachelorette party at out place tonight; the shit is all dolled up like a fucking whorehouse, she even broke a $20 into singles, it's sitting on my kitchen table. In 10 hours a greasy, presumably nasty male stripper will be violating my sacred man cave...but I digress.

Dude comes over, it's like 4-ishAM, we got stoned and start making out and removing each other's pants. I was a good boy, so was he, and we kept it PG-13; still, we both jerked each other off at 8am this morning, I blew a HUGE fucking load all over the place, saw him out, and proceeded to smoke a smoke on my porch...and my landlord is standing "Good Morning Justin!" there...and I'm wondering if he can spot the dried cum on my forehead.

[Shakes head] I need a drink. And a shower.

BOOM CHICKA FUCKIN' BOOM

Sometimes I amaze myself. After an initial attempt to pick up some guy at a bar last night (that did not work out well at all) I returned home, and through the power of the interwebs, I found a hot, tall and super masculine guy not only in my neighborhood, but also one who had a big ol' bag of herb who wanted to smoke and make out.

P-E-R-F-E-C-T! X 10!

Oh man, shit was hot. At first we were just hanging out and watching "A Guide To Recognizing My Your Saints", but soon after we both agreed that Channing Tatum, while insanely hot, cannot act his way out of a paper bag.

So I did the only thing I could think of, which was to say to Paul (the guy that came over): "hey, why don't you sit next to me on the couch". Boom. Done son! It took about 10 minutes of sloppy hot making out before we both whipped our pants off and adjourned to my bedroom. We didn't fuck (I'm not THAT much of a slut) but we certainly enjoyed each other for about an hour.

I'm back in business, and business is good.

I'LL KEEP THIS SHORT

Dear Senator Clinton,

See the image below? It's called a "chair" and it's meant for "sitting" in. Though I admire your efforts and your seemingly genuine desire to make this country a better place, but it's time to take a seat and let Obama do his thing. You fought hard, but lost. Please exit the stage gracefully and retain your dignity. I'm sure a place can be found for you in Obama's administration. How about Secretary of Health and Human Services? In the meantime, I urge you to SIT THE FUCK DOWN!

Dear Former President Bill Clinton,

You know, back in the halcyon days of the go-go 90's I actually admired you. Obviously the expansion of the economy wasn't entirely your doing, and you probably could have done to combat terrorism, but all that good will has been undone with your shameless campaigning on your wife's behalf. Did you think she couldn't do it on her own? Regardless, you are a tired political hack and I urge to you TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Dear Barack Obama,

Double HI-5! Up high! Down Low! The people have spoken and I cannot wait for you to right this ship which has been dragging it's anchor for far too long. I know a lot of people think you lack experience, but I happen to think this will work to your advantage. And really, even if you make some mistakes, there is simply no way you can fuck up any worse than Dubya. YOU ARE THE FUCKIN' MAN!