BAR MONEY IS GROSS

Every week or 2 I count out all the cash I make in tips; I get nervous keeping all this cash on hand, so I make it a habit to deposit it on a regular basis. So when I am about to make a deposit, I take time to count all the bills in my possession not once, not twice, but three times (I'm awful at math) and even place them in the same direction, carefully unfolding any errant corners.

Counting up $700+ in small bills today, I wondered aloud, is it possible to get a contact high of residual cocaine from this paper? Probably not. But it's gross still, as most of this paper money is drenched in beer or liquor, and in this particular case, I just found a single dollar bill with BLOOD on it.

Fuck, I think I need to invest in a box of latex gloves to handle this currency. Or at the least some hand sanitizer (although I have my doubts about it's effectiveness). That all being said, and say what you will about the service industry, I FUCKING LOVE being paid in cash at the end of every night I work.

PS - Feeling much, Much, MUCH better than last week. :)

PPS - Not out of the woods yet, Miss Gloria, but getting a bit closer...

THE LEAST ROMANTIC THING I HAVE EVER WITNESSED

Last night around 1AM or so I was smoking a cigarette out on the street, when a Meathead and his requisite petite blonde girl stroll past me. Here is exactly what I overheard:

MEATHEAD: "When we get back to your place I am taking your clothes off."

PETITE BLONDE: "...[high fives the Meathead]..."

THE END

I GUESS THE UNIVERSE LIKES ME AFTER ALL

So...in the last 24 hours the universe has rewarded me with a modest raise, another 2 shifts and a 3AM booty call. I can't make this shit up. I was steering clear of my favorite co-worker since she quit smoking 2 days ago, being the sensible guy I am, I played the loudest, most dirty hip-hop I had on my iPhone, and did shots of whiskey with the kitchen staff.

Around this time I get a text from this guy I haven't seen or heard from in at least 2 years. He's all hot and horny to hang out, and he had weed, so why not chill at 4am? He looked good too...cute, skinny black dude at least 8 years my junior.

Anyways...I forgot that my current Roomie is throwing a bachelorette party at out place tonight; the shit is all dolled up like a fucking whorehouse, she even broke a $20 into singles, it's sitting on my kitchen table. In 10 hours a greasy, presumably nasty male stripper will be violating my sacred man cave...but I digress.

Dude comes over, it's like 4-ishAM, we got stoned and start making out and removing each other's pants. I was a good boy, so was he, and we kept it PG-13; still, we both jerked each other off at 8am this morning, I blew a HUGE fucking load all over the place, saw him out, and proceeded to smoke a smoke on my porch...and my landlord is standing "Good Morning Justin!" there...and I'm wondering if he can spot the dried cum on my forehead.

[Shakes head] I need a drink. And a shower.

THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH

Last night I saw a concert at the Vic with a few buddies. It's one of my favorite venues, with the exception of the beer selection. You have 2 choices, pay $5 for a Miller product, or $6 for a Corona. And these are not drafts, these are cans. Ugh. Anyways, since I am a beer whore I made due with Miller High Life, the "Champagne of Beers". Midway through the set my friend passed me a beer to drink. After taking a giant gulp, my face twisted into a knot and I struggled not to expel the offensive liquid from my mouth. Had there not been people on all sides of me, I probably would have.

The offender? Miller Genuine Draft Light 64, which according to Miller: "no other beer on the market has lower calories". At 64 calories, they are probably right. And it's the most disgusting thing I have EVER put in my mouth. It tastes like what I imagine it would taste like if R. Kelly decided to piss in my mouth, mixed with a teaspoon of cinnamon. It has a finish similar to battery acid..and the smell. OMG! The fucking smell! You know what tuna salad from Subway smells like? Yeah, kinda like that.

On the plus side, the concert was the SHIT! I had never before heard of Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings, but a few hours before the show my buddy (thanks man!) offered me a free ticket. Gawd-Damn am I happy that I accepted, as this was the coolest show I have seen in some time. It's not often that one gets to hear & see a 9-piece band fronted by a woman with such an astonishing voice, and I consider myself one lucky guy for having been able to see this show.