THE LAST 24 HOURS...

...were unique for a wide variety of reason. I'll attempt to approximate all the crazy shit that just went down!

First and most importantly I GOT A FUCKING JOB! [Cue balloon drop] HOLY SHIT! I was nervous when I went in to the bar to take this "beer quiz". Example question: "Can you explain what makes a Trappist ale? Also, can you name the 7 Trappists?" Like - you're fucking joking right? My understanding of being a Bar Back is being able to clear tables, stock beer, wash glasses and take out the trash. Pretty simple, and shouldn't require a doctorate in snobbery.

Although it is at a new, gleaming bar next to a college on the North Side. When I was told "hey Justin, we would really like you to work at our new bar" I practically pissed myself. This news was delivered to me via cell phone, while I was smoking outside a Chuck-E-Cheese in fucking Gurnee, IL.

Why in the hell was I in a place built for 5 year old boys? Good question. My ol' friend Gloria was visiting her sister, who just had a baby (cutest kid ever!) and we were tasked with keeping the older, 5 year old son busy. DUDE - I'm not lying, this kid handed my ass to me playing Skee-Ball, Mario Cart and some game that involves a faux sub machine gun used to blow up Spiders.

Also, I deputized Gloria as a "Cheerleader Champion", according to the photo booth we pumped way too many tokens into. Note to self: DON'T EVER GO BACK THERE WHILE STONED. Also, buy hand sanitizer - that place is a fucking petri dish for developing new strains of swine flu.

So that guy I've been seeing/fucking? PART-TIME TRANNY! Ugh, seriously, how this has never come up in the past is beyond my comprehension. And he performs. That's right. [SLAPS FOREHEAD] Can you spell D-E-A-L-B-R-E-A-K-E-R? Nothing personal against Tranny's, I think they're fun and awesome and everyone should feel free to pursue whatever the fuck it is that makes them happy. But I don't have to date one. And I won't. Back to the drawing board!

Speaking of finding myself in weird, fucked up places, this morning I was in Zion, IL, a town founded by prohibitionists who in addition to being awesome at sucking at life, also decided to name each of their streets after Biblical figures. Ezekiel Avenue anyone? How about Abel Lane?

And to make the town even more horrible, they decided to erect Northern Illionis' sole Nuclear Power Plant. And get this: it's decommissioned! Tons of radioactive material is stored within a stone's throw from one of the WORLD'S GREATEST SOURCE OF FRESH WATER! This place has disaster written all over it. Dresden, Germany circa 1943 was a more "fun" place to be.

If it's not already obvious, I'm fucking ELATED to be home, back in Chicago. Literally as the train approached the city, the sky cleared up and walking home I passed by a guy in full Scottish kilt dress/regalia playing a bagpipe. I'm never leaving the city ever again.

JUSTIN GOES TO NAPERVILLE AND LITERALLY ENDS UP IN THE GUTTER

Outside of my trip to NYC in early June, I haven't left the city limits since...May? Not that I really had any reason to; I quite enjoy living in my little bubble. But I did, in fact, leave the city this past weekend to attend a party put on by my friend in her backyard, way the fuck out in exotic Naperville, IL.

The suburbs bother me. Not to be a snob (but I guess I am one) but man, I'm so city-centric now that I just fucking hate it out there. So much so, that I often over-exaggerate how long it's been since I was last there. But in this case I managed to have a GREAT time and not piss off too many people (I think...).

However, amidst the revelry of the party, my buddy Josh and I both ran out of cigs at the same damn time. Shit man, I hate when that happens! Anyways, we asked our lovely host where we might go acquire more tobacco. Since neither Josh or myself drove us, and even if we did, we were drunk at this point, so we opted to travel via our feet. We were told the nearest gas station is "just down the road, take 2 rights, then a left and it's RIGHT THERE".

Well, this particular neighborhood is heavily wooded, hilly and lacking street lamps. Needless to say we got lost about 5 minutes into this walk, then proceeded to walk in circles for an hour or so (NOTE: The GPS function on my phone is fucking useless when you can't figure which way is north, east, west or south).

Finally we found our way to the highway, which would hopefully lead us to the gas station. Sidewalks? Fuck no. We stumbled along a glorified drainage ditch, again with little to no light to guide us. Somehow, my buddy Josh still saw the GIANT FUCKING DRAIN THING that apparently had it out for me. [Whoever had the brilliant idea to surround said drain thing with hundreds of mean spirited rocks can FUCK OFF AND DIE].

Not only did I eat total shit the first time Mr. Evil Drain Thing and I met up...I also fucking ate it on the way back home. Damn! All I could do was vigorously shake my fist at my opponent and hope that I didn't have massive bruises on my knees the next day (I didn't).

It took us so long to get smokes that people back at the party apparently got worried about us and were considering organizing a search party. Which is sweet of them, but we got back mostly in tact. Oh, and I only paid $38 for a carton! WOOOOOOT! UGH, I gotta quit smoking.