Friday, November 20, 2009


...were unique for a wide variety of reason. I'll attempt to approximate all the crazy shit that just went down!

First and most importantly I GOT A FUCKING JOB! [Cue balloon drop] HOLY SHIT! I was nervous when I went in to the bar to take this "beer quiz". Example question: "Can you explain what makes a Trappist ale? Also, can you name the 7 Trappists?" Like - you're fucking joking right? My understanding of being a Bar Back is being able to clear tables, stock beer, wash glasses and take out the trash. Pretty simple, and shouldn't require a doctorate in snobbery.

Although it is at a new, gleaming bar next to a college on the North Side. When I was told "hey Justin, we would really like you to work at our new bar" I practically pissed myself. This news was delivered to me via cell phone, while I was smoking outside a Chuck-E-Cheese in fucking Gurnee, IL.

Why in the hell was I in a place built for 5 year old boys? Good question. My ol' friend Gloria was visiting her sister, who just had a baby (cutest kid ever!) and we were tasked with keeping the older, 5 year old son busy. DUDE - I'm not lying, this kid handed my ass to me playing Skee-Ball, Mario Cart and some game that involves a faux sub machine gun used to blow up Spiders.

Also, I deputized Gloria as a "Cheerleader Champion", according to the photo booth we pumped way too many tokens into. Note to self: DON'T EVER GO BACK THERE WHILE STONED. Also, buy hand sanitizer - that place is a fucking petri dish for developing new strains of swine flu.

So that guy I've been seeing/fucking? PART-TIME TRANNY! Ugh, seriously, how this has never come up in the past is beyond my comprehension. And he performs. That's right. [SLAPS FOREHEAD] Can you spell D-E-A-L-B-R-E-A-K-E-R? Nothing personal against Tranny's, I think they're fun and awesome and everyone should feel free to pursue whatever the fuck it is that makes them happy. But I don't have to date one. And I won't. Back to the drawing board!

Speaking of finding myself in weird, fucked up places, this morning I was in Zion, IL, a town founded by prohibitionists who in addition to being awesome at sucking at life, also decided to name each of their streets after Biblical figures. Ezekiel Avenue anyone? How about Abel Lane?

And to make the town even more horrible, they decided to erect Northern Illionis' sole Nuclear Power Plant. And get this: it's decommissioned! Tons of radioactive material is stored within a stone's throw from one of the WORLD'S GREATEST SOURCE OF FRESH WATER! This place has disaster written all over it. Dresden, Germany circa 1943 was a more "fun" place to be.

If it's not already obvious, I'm fucking ELATED to be home, back in Chicago. Literally as the train approached the city, the sky cleared up and walking home I passed by a guy in full Scottish kilt dress/regalia playing a bagpipe. I'm never leaving the city ever again.


Cockbag LLC said...

I was so waiting for this post. I wonder if drag queens ever start as drag princesses? It seems like once you hit 30 you would be a drag queen but if some lil twink is doing drag the term queen just isn't fitting. Of all my dating horror stories I have yet to go on a date with a drag queen. Time will tell and he will probably be missing an arm too.

JUSTIN said...

With your luck, it's entirely in the realm of possibility, dating a one-armed drag queen that is.

Sam. I. Am. said...

here, you! don't be like, throwing things away just because yer man dresses up and sings in bars!

Right, so you do the occasional bump of coke, right.

say he turns around, and says "so you did coke? right"

and you never hear from him again.

maybe it's just a joke like. I've dressed up in drag before...

Billy said...

Well congrats on the job.... ;)

JUSTIN said...

@Sam: Oh, I'm far from perfect, anything but. And allow me to reiterate: DRAG QUEENS ARE COOL! Really, I get it. Just caught off guard by that admission. I'm sure I'll get over it.

Anonymous said...

Huh... New bar. Next to a college. On the North Side...

Interesting. ;)

x's and o's,

A-Gay in Chi

Dean Grey said...


I'm very happy to hear that you officially got a new job! Hooray!!!

It's about time!

Now onto G-L-O-R-I-A.....

Every time I read a post about your legendary friend, why does the song "Gloria" by Laura Branigan come to mind?

.....And you really don't remember, was it something that he said? Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'? If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'? You don't have to answer. Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria.....

Beautifully tragic, I say!


Mind Of Mine said...

Have u seen him dressed as a Woman yet?

I believe if you decide to give this relationship/fuck buddy and then see him dressed up as woman that will be the real dealbreaker!

Anonymous said...


Congrats on the job!
Glad you felt some love....sorry about the
reverse Victor/Victoria experience.

Now you have the new about some
photos of the city. You're a photo realist.


Bruce said...

Just remember Justin, Drag Queens/Princesses need love too. Take this to heart, the boyfriend of every Drag Queen I've ever seen was HOT!!! BTW the best drag queen in the world is now in Chicago. Seek out and find Maya Douglas...INCREDIABLE!!!

GFunkDave said...

Actually, there are several nukes in northern Illinois. Illinois gets more of its power from nukes than any other state. Go us. Zion is the only one that is north of the city, and in the Chicago area, though.

Thomas said...

This might be the wrong place to put this, especially since only my straight friends enjoy this joke, but...


Of course, the real tranny surprise is when a guy dates a girl, they start getting serious and then she randomly decides to pull down her pants to reveal a huge dick, while yelling TRANNY SURPRISE!

I thought this was close enough though.

...but, um...sorry?
And yey job!