Friday, April 29, 2011


When this world eventually craps out, and I'm sure it probably will at some point, I was discussing with my friend what we, as humans, do NOT want to be found. Hopefully Al Gore, or whoever is in charge of the internet hits the "delete history" button before the asteroid hits, or we experience a massive melt down, or something else worse. Here's a partial list, off the cuff, of the shit we don't want found.

-Paris Hilton's sex tape
-People, US Weekly and/or Cosmo Girl magazines
-Flip Flops
-Donald Trump
-Nicorette Gum
-The Black Eyed Peas
-Los Angeles
-Arena Football
-The Hello Kitty toaster
-Tanning Booths
-Paris Hilton
-Lottery tickets
-Ted Haggerd
-Star Wars
-Wine in a box
-Topaz jewelry
-Space Shuttle(s)
-Hallmark cards
-Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts
-The Sunday Chicago Tribune
-CATS the musical
-Dick Cheney
-Cadillac Pick-Up Trucks
-Land Mines
-World's Best Grandpa coffee mugs
-Crossword puzzles
-Meth labs
-Pop Tarts
-Cirque Du Soleil
-Best/Worst Dressed Lists
-Competitive cooking TV shows
-Red Light cameras
-The 80's
-My high school year book pictures
-Blue Men Group
-The color teal
-Carnival cruise ships
-Branson, Missouri
-White Power
-The Military Industrial Complex
-Temporary tattoos
-Lean Cuisine
-Drive Time radio DJ's
-The Super Bowl
-Anti-Gay marriage laws
-Khaki pants
-Iced coffee
-The British Monarchy
-Corporate synergy
-The Dallas Cowboys
-Sloppy Joes

SO, you see, this is only a partial list, and I'm sure I left many things off it. Feel free to add your items/thoughts to the "we don't need this fucking shit to be found" register. Also, feel free to make a bet on the last man standing when civilization implodes. I got $20 on Richard Simmons. Fuck, for all I now Paula Dean will outlive anyone reading this.


Anonymous said...

Unfortunately television broadcasts are already racing to any aliens out there. Fortunately that thing never took off.

Mind Of Mine said...

I love Cirque De Soleil!

But here our mine...

Perez Hilton.
Peaches Geldof.
Steve Tyler.
Lindsey Lohan's Parents.

Anxiously awaiting my next alien probing said...

I can get behind most of the items on the list except one...cinnamon? Really? That shit's a metabolic booster. And it makes eating plain ricotta SO bearable. Can we switch that one out for Pop Rocks or something? Or how about that nasty salt-water taffy crap the crusty old guy down your street passes out for Halloween every year? Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

You had me until "cinnamon". That's just messed up.

Anonymous said...

What do you have against topaz jewelry, Bitchface??

JUSTIN said...

Anyone that knows me about my weird cinnamon thing. And most topaz jewelry is huge and fake, BITCHFACE I love :).