Friday, February 6, 2009

WINTER DOLDRUMS

Hey y'all mothafuckahs...I am indeed alive. Haven't been posting much these last few days because, frankly I have had nothing really to write about. That coupled with the pall of traditional winter depression that I get this time of year has made me into a mute of sorts.

Seriously. I keep finding myself in various social situations when I feel like I just NOTHING to fucking say. And rather than ramble about Olympic athletes who smoke pot, the Super Bowl that I could give a fuck about and my un-fruitful attempts at regular employment and/or complete and total inability to secure a date, I have chose to be quiet. 

But in the interest of writing something, I guess I could post my near-daily schedule:

9:15AM: Wake up, take a piss.

9:17AM: Go back to sleep.

9:45AM: Turn over, open my blinds, curse the gray winter sky, and read a book in bed.

10:15AM: Check my e-mail, and seeing that no one has responded to any jobs I've replied to...

10:17AM: ...open a new browser tab and jerk-off.

10:24AM: Go downstairs, fetch the Tribune. 

10:25AM: Breakfast: 1 orange, 2 scrambled eggs over 2 warm tortillas, 1 glass of milk. 

10:45AM: Go catch up on my "morning paper-work". 

10:55AM: 1st smoke of the day.

11:00AM: Search for jobs to apply to...

11:15AM: ...get frustrated, have 2nd smoke of day. 

11:20AM: Mixture of looking and/or applying for more jobs/jerk-off again.

12:15PM: Read rest of Tribune.

1:30PM: Usually some kind of chore such as shopping/cleaning/laundry/scaring children.

4:00PM: CRACK first beer of day, then check e-mail again for possible job responses (there never are).

4:15PM: Watch Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare's or Top Gear.

6:00PM: BBC World News

7:00PM: Cry and/or drink more and/or masturbate (depending on the news of the day).

7:15PM: Shower, get ready to go out or have friends over.....SMOKE....DRINK....REPEAT.

10:00PM: Daily Show/Colbert Report

11:00PM: ETC.........................................................................

2:00AM: Watch "Queer as Folk" on LOGO.

3:00AM: Read in bed, go to sleep. 

Exciting, no? Right. Well, this used to be my dream schedule, but after this pattern continued unabated (more or less) into the new year, and every day started to feel like Groundhog Day. Admittedly, I have also been trying to do other things for free, like go to museums, exercise while watching TV (definition of oxymoron) and cook healthy, fresh food (Gordon would be proud). 

OTHER STATS FROM THIS WEEK:

# of times stood up this week: 2
# of times I've watched re-runs of the Real World Brooklyn: 3
# of Camel Lights consumed: I plead the 5th
# of beers consumed: see above
# of friend's VW Jetta's resurrected from the dead: 1
# of colds I got that I beat the FUCK down: 1
# of times I've listened to N.A.S.A.'s new record straight thru: 6 
# of FUCKING FRIGHTENING REALISTIC NIGHTMARES ABOUT BEING IN A 747 CRASHING: 1 

I'd go one with more inane blogging, but I need to leave and get more beer so I can drink my way through BBC World News, before I report for Doorman/Bad-Ass duty at the bar/club tonight. 

Caio bitches!

8 comments:

Dane said...

I hate unemployment! I recall how bad it was a few years ago for me, same schedule though (replace smoking with jerking off) and it is always difficult. I'm lucky to have a job now, and hope you'll find your dream job soon!

I like your blog, always enjoy reading it.

Thomas said...

Alright.
I'm visiting you this spring/summer to get you out of this monotonous rut.

Of course I am confident that by then you will be employed again. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Sustained unemployment is poison for the soul.

Have you tried going to an employment agency or head hunter? You can actually meet with a real person, instead of emailing resumes blindly.

Also, there are temp agencies for professionals not just secretaries or day labor jobs. I knew an accountant who worked for a temp agency that specialized in providing financial professionals to various corporations.

A few years ago a friend of mine went through a divorce, bankruptcy, and rehab. He had a bachelor's degree with a few hours towards a master's, before his life fell apart. Coming out of rehab, he lived in some kind of sober living house and took a job at one of the big box retailers, he was humiliated. He finished his master's, and is now a manager in the retailer's corporate supply chain. I was shocked when he told me how much money he makes.

Moral of the story, you might consider taking a step back in the type of job you will accept, especially with companies that have upward mobility and promote within the company.

JUSTIN said...

Jesus...I'm not sitting here with a revolver in my hand people!

It's fairly normal to be slightly depressed this time of year...and I'm no worse off than anyone else.

AND...Pitchers/Catchers report to Mesa,AZ in 5 days!

Mind Of Mine Uncensored!! said...

That was fucking hilarious!

Anonymous said...

If things get bad enough, and a revolver comes into play, be sure to put it in your mouth aimed at the tonsil area. That will ensure a hit to the brain stem which controls heart rate and breathing, a quick and painless death. More often than you might think people who shoot themselves in the head survive with permanent brain damage.

Before it gets to that, try reading your book next to a light box, used for treating seasonal affective disorder. It works miracles in some people.

JUSTIN said...

The above comment leaves me with no option but to no longer allow anonymous comments on my blog.

Sorry, but I can only take so much random creepiness...

Ian J Brooks said...

I totally understand the fuck off post now...

That was just creepy!

Y does someone know wat its like to be shot in the head...Bizarre!

Keep ya chin up!