Tuesday, January 13, 2009


For years I've railed against the people that mark "their" parking spot after a heavy snowfall with chairs/couches/baby cribs/etc. Only, selfish, lazy pieces of shit would do such a thing, and as I am clearly none of these things, I valiantly, selflessly "gave up" the spot that I had thoroughly dugout.

Well, guess what? I am now a selfish, lazy piece of shit! What finally wore down my high minded sense of sense of parking civility, was my experience trying to get out of my parking spot a few days ago. I dug, I spun my wheels, did various combinations of 2nd-to1st gear launches, and after 30 minutes of this bullshit I nearly had enough.

The real breaking point was reached the following morning. I woke up to find that my right shoulder was fucking FUCKED from shoveling all that snow. Somehow the pain has spread to my arm and even my wrist. Hey, THAT'S MY MASTURBATING SHOULDER/ARM/WRIST people! Fuck my neighbors, that spot is FUCKING MINE!

Now I know why I kept those dirty plastic chairs that have been sitting unused on my back porch for years. I think I've been a pretty good sport over the last 6 months. Yeah, losing my job kinda sucked, and getting unceremoniously dumped at 2AM in front of a dive bar was no picnic. But if I can't at crank one out at least once a day, well, I might as well not breath.

[Note: I can masturbate through the pain, but still, the thought of losing that ability trumps any and all mutual respect for my fellow citizens.]


Bruce said...

You sure you want to stay in that frozen tundra? You could always be my pool boy in Palm Springs. Just a thought!!

Anonymous said...

Will you pleeease have somebody take your picture of you in your parking spot and send it to me? I want you looking tough, with your arms crossed. Maybe the new roomie or that fucking girl we went to high schol will do it. I want it to be the picture that comes up when you call me. Do it! P.S., I mailed you the cds.

Thomas said...

I have my fingers crossed that your new roomie will soon give you a "helping hand".

S J D said...

The mere thought of a post-pubescent period in my life without masturbation is enough to give me nightmares. Thanks for instilling fear in my heart -- I shoveled like a madman today.


dan said...

well I definitely hope the arm heals soon virile one! ha