THE ALPHA BRO

Anyone who has ever worked in a bar/restaurant establishment knows that you have Regulars. Some are bad, most are good, and some...well, some are FUCKIN' Awesome. It is this latter category that brings me much joy - in that a odd form of a relationship develops; you aren't friends, not strangers nor acquaintances, but rather a hybrid.

That's a long winded way of introducing my new, favorite, semi-regular [trumpet sound] THE ALPHA BRO. I can only guess he got lost on his way home from John Barleycorn one night and and stumbled in with whatever bottle blonde he had on his arm along with his "boys" and their respective blondes.

At first, my automatic response to hate this guy kicked in, and hard. My service towards him and his group was indifferent, to say the least. But he and they kept coming back, again and again...and despite the fact that he exhibits all the traits of your typical Lincoln Park douche bag...I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY!

Here are a few choice anecdotes:

-One time he was on the porch with a girl, he comes inside, up to the bar and says "Brah, I need something really strong to drink, I'm breaking up with this bitch and she won't stop crying".

-During a brunch, he and his bro and their blondes left; while I was clearing their table he comes back realizing he forgot he left his cell behind. Upon spotting his bro's blonde's barely touched Bloody Mary, he picks it up and pounds it (mind you this is a 16oz. glass) in a single gulp.

-During another brunch service, he was with a British blonde (with the worst accent I have ever heard). We comped her a Bloody but she didn't like it. I went over to see is she/they needed anything else. Without removing his left hand from her crotch, he grabs her Bloody Mary and tells me how he's "going to fucking town" on it. I don't know if he meant the drink, the girl or both.

-The other day this tall, athletic guy wearing a backwards Bears cap, a t-shirt with a faux Tommy logo on it that said "Cozumel" and flip-flops. I remember thinking "this is a bro's bro". Minutes later...the Alpha Bro sits down at the same table as him (which I guess makes him the Beta Bro).

-Alpha Bro's older Bro (Elder Bro?) came into lunch with Johnathon Towes (himself perhaps the Mayor of Bro-Ville).

-Alpha Bro's credit card has been declined more than once, which leads me to think he keeps an expired card on him so he can lean on friends (or blondes) to pay for his rather dear Le Fin du Monde habit.

Despite all this, and despite that it seems that only part of his body he ever exercises are his pecs, and his greasy demeanor...I don't know, I think he is fucking hilarious and not in a "I'm better than you" "haha". Dude is the shit. Maybe I'm fascinated because I don't know many, if any people like him.

CHEERS to you, Alpha.

PS - One slow afternoon, after the Alpha and his Bro and their Blondes left, I rhetorically asked the bartender "what do you think the Alpha is up to right now?" Said the bartender, "probably making those bitches give each other lap dances". I'd like to think so.