"Never know you gone 'til it all goes/Put in something more 'til it all goes"
-Skyzoo
While the above quote might seem dramatic, is it indicative of my current attitude towards life; perhaps I sound like a broken record, but I am busting my ass, and yeah, might not have much to show for it, but I am doing more and more, in little but meaningful ways every day. Rather than detailing them here, or embellishing "crazy" nights out filled with drugs, booze and sex, I have been staying in, mostly alone or with friends, being quiet. Really. Dating? Hiatus. Working? Defiantly.
Perhaps this blog has grown tired, or boring to read as I don't have much "exciting" to write about. But I think that's a good thing in a way. Previously, living an unhealthy lifestyle fueled both my creativity and my ego, but I've come to terms how unsustainable that is. Short term thinking leads to short term living and I want to stay around for a long, LONG time. So if I become boring, well, Fuck it.
The other day, someone remarked that I now seem "quiet". I don't take that as an insult or a negative comment; I'd rather listen than speak, unless spoken to, which is kinda like how I used to be when shit in life was really real. I still laugh, and interject, but I have been humbled, and feel like it's a road I shall travel for the near future. I'll still seek out boys, laugh out loud, and enjoy what Chicago has to offer.
BUT...I don't want the life I used to have; easier said than done, and there are miles to go, but...it's like slowly tearing off a bandage really carefully. If I knew what the future holds, the changes would be easier but since I don't, this transition has been stressful. At the same time, it's been illuminating and allowing myself a certain allowance of "fuck it", which I really hope makes sense to the people I love.
Stay with me, if you understand, and ask questions if you don't.
PS - Edwin, keep sending me links to hot new hip-hop!
5 comments:
No one's life is always exciting. As a reader I just enjoy keeping in touch. After what you went through with the accident I can understand bringing in down a notch or three!! We all come to the same conclusions just by different means... Good luck with your new direction.
'living an unhealthy lifestyle fueled both my creativity and my ego....
I hear that.
Justin,
Hoping quiet doesn't mean going away.
Choosing a road less traveled is not equal to tired or boring at all. Count me in...if you're feeling pensive or cranking out outrageously creative photos with Montrose (or facsimile) your blog is a gift. Be well and don't hog all of Edwin's hip-hop links! Follow your heart.
Alex
Slowly but surely, Justin....
-Dean
Hey Justin,
Haven't commented in a while, but I always keep up to date. For some reason your wit, sarcasm, and your unique point of view on life are very interesting/amusing/appealing to me, and reading one of your posts is always a bright spot in my day.
Your change in tone doesn't at all affect how interesting the things you have to say are. So as long as you're around, this reader is staying with you :). Hope you're well!
x's and o's,
A-Gay in Chi.
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