"Never know you gone 'til it all goes/Put in something more 'til it all goes"
While the above quote might seem dramatic, is it indicative of my current attitude towards life; perhaps I sound like a broken record, but I am busting my ass, and yeah, might not have much to show for it, but I am doing more and more, in little but meaningful ways every day. Rather than detailing them here, or embellishing "crazy" nights out filled with drugs, booze and sex, I have been staying in, mostly alone or with friends, being quiet. Really. Dating? Hiatus. Working? Defiantly.
Perhaps this blog has grown tired, or boring to read as I don't have much "exciting" to write about. But I think that's a good thing in a way. Previously, living an unhealthy lifestyle fueled both my creativity and my ego, but I've come to terms how unsustainable that is. Short term thinking leads to short term living and I want to stay around for a long, LONG time. So if I become boring, well, Fuck it.
The other day, someone remarked that I now seem "quiet". I don't take that as an insult or a negative comment; I'd rather listen than speak, unless spoken to, which is kinda like how I used to be when shit in life was really real. I still laugh, and interject, but I have been humbled, and feel like it's a road I shall travel for the near future. I'll still seek out boys, laugh out loud, and enjoy what Chicago has to offer.
BUT...I don't want the life I used to have; easier said than done, and there are miles to go, but...it's like slowly tearing off a bandage really carefully. If I knew what the future holds, the changes would be easier but since I don't, this transition has been stressful. At the same time, it's been illuminating and allowing myself a certain allowance of "fuck it", which I really hope makes sense to the people I love.
Stay with me, if you understand, and ask questions if you don't.
PS - Edwin, keep sending me links to hot new hip-hop!