A few weeks ago I got an offer in the mail to switch to AT&T U-Verse internet service; at first I was reluctant because the offer seemed to good to be true, but when I called the nice young man on the phone charmed me into "at least trying it out". Since the price was right, and because I was imagining elaborate sexual fantasies with who I imagined to be a hot guy on the other end of the line, I agreed.
Soon after a box the size of a fucking Buick arrived at my door. Actually, it was more akin to a box that a microwave would come in. Anyways, I got caught up in that thing called "life" and put it aside for awhile. Eventually I was told of numerous horror stories by co-workers, friends and in particular my roommate.
Fuck it. Today I called to cancel the service I never bothered to hook up. That was the easy part; since I was within the 30 day money back guarantee window, it wasn't an issue. I go to pack all the shit back into the spacious box and notice there isn't a return shipping label (they ship it back for free). So I called back and...
ME: "Hi, I am trying to return a router and modem but I don't see a return shipping label".
Customer Service Rep #1: "Hmm, that's odd, it should be in there".
ME: "Well, I looked all around the huge box and didn't see it".
CSR #1: "Hmm, well it should be in there".
ME: "It's NOT."
CSR #1: "Well, just put the order # on the box and that should be fine".
ME: "OK, where do I send it?"
CSR #1: "Please hold".
ME: [Lights cigarette]
CSR #1:: "OK, I'm going to have to transfer you".
3 minutes on hold...
CSR #2: "HELLO - HOW ARE WE DOING TODAY?"
ME: "Hi, I'm fine, I just need-"
CSR #2: "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?"
ME: "I just need-"
CSR #2: "I JUST NEED TO BRING UP YOUR ACCOUNT HERE".
ME: [lights cigarette] [gives account information]
CSR #2: "GREAT, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?"
ME: "I need a shipping label to return a router and a modem".
CSR #2: "A WHAT NOW?"
ME: "A shipping label".
CSR #2: "..."
CSR #2: "I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOU ON HOLD PLEASE".
ME: [Considers if life is really worth living]
CSR #2: "THANKS FOR HOLDING, I HAVE TO MAKE A CALL TO OUR TECH DEPARTME-"
ME: "For a shipping label?"
CSR #2: "PLEASE HOLD".
After being thanked for my patience 3 more times, I was told that between the CSR, the Tech Person and a her supervisor, they couldn't figure out the what, who or why, but finally the collective brain trust assured me if I went to a UPS store they would be able to help me out. Seeing no other option besides suicide, I took the microwave sized box on the fucking bus.
Did I mention it's hot and humid as fuck today? Drenched in sweat, I see the pretty blonde I spoke with on the phone to confirm she could help, which she assured me should could. You know how this is going to end, right? After taking all the shit out the box, she can't match up the serial numbers to the stuff they shipped me.
At this point I'm considering just cutting my losses (or wrists) but make another attempt to call AT&T back, where I was transferred not once, twice or thrice, but FOUR TIMES until this one guy in the sales department (?) told me that I actually needed to take the microwave box to the Post Office. It's 4:42PM.
Somehow I kept my cool and calmly went back inside to collect all the shit that Blonde had spread out all over the place. And then there's this...
BLONDE: "So, how are we doing?"
ME: [Hands shaking with anger] "Apparently I have to take this to the Post Office".
BLONDE: "Oh, that's TOO bad".
ME: "Yeah...can I just get a piece of tape to seal this box?"
BLONDE: "Well, you're not going to like what I'm about to say".
BLONDE: "I have to charge you $2 for tape".
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.
Wordlessly I left 2 crumpled dollar bills on the counter and walked out. I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but it really wouldn't surprise me if AT&T and UPS are in bed fucking each other on 14" black studded double ended vibrating Hello Kitty dildo powered by a diesel generator.
At least Comcast likes to cuddle after they politely rape me.