Wednesday, February 9, 2011


My enemies are few yet various; Cinnamon is the chief culprit-it's implausible but that spice reduces me to a quivering mess. The lead singer from those terrible commercials is another, as is the entire city of Phoenix. I can go on, but I'll focus on my most recent arch-nemesis: MUZACK (see below).

That little green light glowing ominously at the top of that stack of A/V equipment is slowly draining my life force. Allow me to explain. One of the perks of my job (indeed-at times a requirement) is to set that bitch on fire with music via my iPhone. It's empowering to be able to make drunk people dance at the touch of a button. Really. Try it!

So it fucking sucked when the owner/Boss Man decided he wanted to provide our patrons with a more "consistent" experience, and installed a...GASP...Muzack machine. UGH X 100! One guy compared it to "trying to relax in the lobby of a Ramada Inn" and I can't agree more.

As a result, we turn that shit off and put on our own shit when the owner/managers are away. Tonight I got busted for doing this...I put on the Pandora channel for Arcade Fire... and was admonished. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh no! The National might come on next! Or maybe Interpol! Or Kings of Leon! The horror.

As a result certain co-workers and I will sneak on the contemporary Christian Rock channel, or 90's hits or...gulp, KidTunes, just to prove a point how awful an idea this is. And when the coast is clear, I pop on my iPhone, and FUCKING BLAST Kid Cudi, Screeching Weasel and/or My Morning Jacket.

And guess what? People love it. Attention bosses: it's called character. Being on the front line, communicating directly with the customer(s) and reacting according has always proved sucessful in my various occupations; whenever I'm over managed...things head south. And I'm only directly referencing music.

PS - I've invented various "accidents" to destroy that evil green glowing box, like spilling a pot of coffee on it, dropping a case of beer on it or disconnecting it and throwing at a bus. I'm open to suggestions, and will consider any and all that might be construed as an "accident". I'm only half kidding.


Dean Grey said...


Unfortunately I know how this is....even more so.

They play really obscure songs (the really unpopular ones) from the 70's and 80's while I work at the arts-and-crafts-store.

Occasionally a Taylor Swift song or something by Hilary Duff will come on but that seems to make things worse!

Thankfully the cord powering the music system got fried this weekend and the store has been music-less for the past few days until corporate sends repair parts.

The silence has been music to my ears!


samuel said...

I have to hear classic rock at work, and I've had to hear the same couple hundred songs five days a week for most of the last fifteen years.

Sometimes I fight back by singing along with the lyrics gayed up a little bit, and sometimes I sing along in my best Fred Schneider voice.

Anonymous said...

YOu've got awesome musical taste!

Anonymous said...

Tell boss/man that Muzack is scientifically engineered sound only appropriate for funeral homes.

Dead people drink less than those kicking out the jams to the tunes on your iphone.

Therefore Muzack equals less profit.