Monday, December 14, 2009

THANK GOD I DON'T OWN A HANDGUN

"I'm not sad I'm just dumb
I'm the boy made of stone
Stupid guy yes I am
I'm the boy who's all alone"

Ugh, this isn't easy to write, but I'm doing it, as I think it might relieve some of the internal bullshit going on in my mind. But I'll cut to the chase: if I owned a handgun, I probably would be fucking dead right now, a casualty of a self inflicted bullet entering and exiting alternate sides of my head.

I'm not kidding. And I actually thought I would be doing the world a favor - in that I'm just no good/worth nothing/a burden. Thankfully I have come to my senses, but GODDAMN, I don't know if I've ever been this "low".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sharing this to exact sympathy, honestly. Shit is stacked so high right now, it's almost too REAL. I've realized I've been keeping a lot of shit in, to the point where I have recurring "dreams" about jumping in front of a "L" train (poetic justice!) as that is nearly a viable option to dealing with all the shit in my life.

I haven't really gone into much detail about losing my friend, and what the wake/funeral was like, but HOLYFUCKINGSHIT, it was the textbook definition of sad. 30 year old men should not drop dead of heart attacks - in front of their family no less, and people that knew Mikey more than I did, I had to support. Comforting 65 year old Irish Catholic men is not easy. And the Mass took place in the church my Mom and Dad got married in. I mean, come on!

Other bullshit includes almost losing my new job before it actually started, current Roomie announced he's moving out at the end of the month, my Aunt (the sole remaining relative in Chicago besides my brother) is dying of cancer, my dubious employment status, the fucking shit weather, my aching shoulder, I could go on, but I'll stop. You get the point.

I fully intend on living and functioning as much as I can, and the next person that tells me I should quit smoking is likely to get punched in the dick, and I can almost hear shares of Evan Williams rising; I'm fucking strong and would never, could never, take the "easy" way out, but UGHx10000! How much more shit do I have to eat before shit improves?

Oh, and another thing, the guy I'm dating might "dress up" from time to time, but he's easily more butch than I am. The other night we volleyed text messages explaining in details I won't go into here, on how we plan on making each other our bitches. He's so punk he doesn't even realize it, and I really like that.

So as you can see, I'm not paralyzed, although certainly slightly impaired by my neuroses', and believe me when I say I'm doing the best I can, and NOT feeling sorry for myself; I'm just so fucking stressed it's insane. Which would explain why I'm up at 8AM on a Monday morning, writing this, smoking and listening to Apocalypse Hoboken.

13 comments:

The New Me said...

Other than the possible loss of "Pablo" doesn't Denver look pretty good about now?

IMHO no matter where you go you'll still be Guyfromchicago. Besides it may be worth the change.

Sorry, Monday is sucking so bad.

headbang8 said...

Fuck Mondays, indeed.

Let it out, Justin. Calling it by its proper name makes it ownable, and understandable.

You'll have to other stuff to make it beatable. You can't control sad. You just have to live through it. And you will.

Anonymous said...

Justin,

No fucking offing. PERIOD.
Grief sucks...uncertainty is worse.
If processing this shit makes you want to reach for the third rail of an "L"...go outside the box find new options.

Learn from the new bf. Imagine all the shit blockades he has to knock down as part of everyday life.

More than you know, hundreds of people you'll never meet have your back!

Love ya dude.

Alex

Mind Of Mine said...

Anyone that ever says they have not felt like you have now...is lying!

Be strong Bruttha...

We have the bad times so we can appreciate the good.

Dean Grey said...

Justin!

I talked with you about all of this already so no need to rehash that conversation.

Things are really difficult for you right now and you're going through more shit than a person should have to, but you know what? You're actually pushing through it and carving your own path.

I actually TOOK my father's handgun for the exact reason you were glad you didn't own one. I kept it with me for many years before finally throwing it out for fear of using on myself.

Life is never guaranteed for any of us. Mikey may have died too young but others live far longer than ever expected. No one knows exactly what the cards hold for us....unless we keep going, of course.

You'll just have to learn to adapt to the changes going on around you and from the sound of things, you are beginning to do just that.

Oh, and please do quit smoking, Justin (I just had to say it!).

Be well, my friend!

-Dean

Windy City Sex blog said...

I think Dean just wants you to punch him in the dick....

Mike said...

You should know that I go to your page everyday and many of times have I thought about commenting.

Thank you for writing. Honestly, I read your shit everyday and get excited every time I see a new posting (I know-lame). Hang in there bro. We all get shit in huge piles, but without the shit it would be hard to spot the amazing parts of life.

When I came out, my friends and family pretty much abandoned me and I thought I had nothing left. I was ready to give up until I realized I could make new friends and even make a new family. The few I gained from that point in my life are now the people I would jump in front of a bullet for. Think of the GOOD in your life, you may be surprised to what is right under your nose.

Anonymous said...

Don't throw yourself in front of the L. Nobody like the cunt who made them late for work ;)

For real though - it sounds like you're going through a shit time right now, but from what I can see, you only need a bit of time (for the grieving and weather to change) and a couple of decent breaks (job-wise) and shit's rosy again.

Dean Grey said...

LOL!

Windy City, I'd much rather have you do it! *(~_^)

Hee hee hee

-Dean

JUSTIN said...

Leave my dick alone!

Dean Grey said...

Sorry, Justin, he was referring to mine!

-Dean

JUSTIN said...

Y'all are so fucking cool and sweet. Really, you have no idea how much your positive thoughts mean to me.

Aaron said...

i think there are always two ways of seeing things and i think sometimes, when we wallow in self-pity, we can very accidentally get too deep into it. i know i usually do and try very hard to consciously avoid it. :)

and other things have been said by other commentors so i'm here to say that i am thinking of you, sending you lots of virtual positive thoughts and love and ... can't think of anything else! :) HUGS!