Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Way, way back I made a lame attempt at a "regular-ish" feature featuring my "Uncle" Frank. This is another, probably terrible attempt.

'Ey, 'dis Frank here. Asks me anythings you wanna answers fore. I ain't too intelligent but I gots my street smartz. Real life learn-un as my late Moms would sayz. Asks aways!

Frannie from Aurora
Q: Hey Frank, what do you think about Chicago losing the Olympic bid? Are we fucked or is the IOC just a group of Anti-American a-holes?

A: 'Ey Fran, ya knows, I used to bang a broad named Fran from Aurora back in '83. You the same broad? Why ain't you evah return Frank's callz? You probably forgot to pay da Ma Bell billz. Anyways, the O-Lympics? I'm f****n' glad as shit we didn't get 'em. The traffics on the Eisenhowerz is bad as it is. You know how long it takes to get from Cicero to Bridgeportz? F****n' foreverz! The O-Lympics would have been IDOT's wet dream twice ovah. Now I knowz we ain't getting any games I can sleep for 'nother 15 minutes before I have to drive to the meat packing plant on the South Side. 'Nuff sayz.

Peter from Elgin
Q: Hey Frank, long time listener, first time caller, love you, love your show. So, I got a new white dress shirt I've only worn once. Problem is, I spilled red wine on it. Any tips on how to remove the stain?

A: Yeah, I doze got an answerz. First, get yourself a Polish wife. Secondly, stop drinking that fancy pants red wine. Realz men drink Old Style, 'ski and occasionally Malort if ones of your dawhters is getting married. Youz fancy shirt is the least of your promblemz.

Pam from Lawndale
Q: Hi Frank, love you, love your show, 8th time caller. What are the Cubs gonna do about Milton Bradley? I mean, he seemed nice enough, but signing him to a 3 year $30 million contract was a mistake, right?

A: FUCK DA CUBZ. Next qwestion.

Stan from Hillside
Q: Uh...I was actually trying to contact Empire Carpets/588-2300, but I guess I dialed wrong. Anyways...ugh, what should we do about the Middle East? It seems like such a mess over there and...

A: Herez what needz to be dun, first, I'd eat 7 Polish sawsagezes, then maybe 4 er 5 fongerz of the Dewaaaaaarz, then "take care of sum paperworkz" in the shitter and thens, wait, what wuz the qwestion? Oh right. I'd reduce our dependence on foreign oilz, maybe start riding a bike, but not eat mad shit like my lil' cuz Justin From Chicago. F*****n' retard.

Justin's Ex-Roomie from Albany Park
Q: Hey Frank [brushes flowing blonde hair] is Jay Cutler the best Bears QB, or the BEST QB EVER? Also, what's up with his multiple chins?

A: Hey daaaaaaawlin', nice rack youz got therez. Da Cutler is the motherf****n' s**t, you not need to question his accuracy nor hiz chins. In fact, I poszit those chinz is why he throws with such athoritay. Obvz, he ain't no Jim McMan, but hez better than Neckbeard evah was nor will bez!

Justin from Chicago
Q: Hey asshole, long time listener, first time caller, 3rd cousin on your Mom's side. Can you please MOVE YOUR FUCKING your '71 AMC Javelin out of my FUCKING spot? And by my spot, I mean my living room. DICK!

A: YOU WATCH YUR MOUTH SUN! Uncle Frank is slightly drunk-y and looking to apply his partikular brand of Justuce! As soon as I'm dun wit des here hot wings, yur ass is grass, and uncle Frank is the lawun mowah!


Cockbag LLC said...

I impressed Uncle Frank knows what Ski is. He must have paid a visit to Clinton County-which is way south of I-80

JUSTIN said...

'ski = whiskey, not white powder.

Cockbag LLC said...

no, no Ski is a soda made in Clinton County, Illinois. It's pure sugar and caffeine. It's definitely a local thing and most people outside of the Metro East in Southern Illinois have no idea what it is.

ex-roomie said...

HAR! (brushes aside flowing blonde hair)

Dean Grey said...

Yippee Justin!

I always hoped Uncle Frank would make a comeback....and I got my wish!

The sad part? I actually have an uncle who talks just like this! Ah, where would we be without blue-collar Chicagoans?

Welcome back, Uncle Frank!!

One of your biggest fans,