Friday, June 29, 2007

YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB

Having spent the last, oh, 15 minutes debating about whether to begin a weekly "best of" feature of sorts I have settled on dedicating a few moments of my Friday post-work evening to pointing out 5 people that, for one reason or another, deserve a blowjob based on their actions over the course of the past 5 days. This may or may not become a regular feature, but I'm going to give it a go. Oh, and if this goes half as well as I hope it does it my be followed by a new Monday feature entitled "People That Can Blow Me". It might just be the thing I need to shake off the post-weekend blues. Here's goes nothin'...

1. Aramis Ramirez

#16 belted out a 2-Run Homer in the bottom of the 9th today to push the Cubs ahead of the Milwaukee Brewers, winning the first game of the series. We are now back at Five Hundo and have won 6 straight games, effectively making my beloved Cubs the hottest team in MLB. You sir, deserve a blowjob.

2. Justin McBride

Not only would he be able to make me gay even if I already wasn't, Justin (nice name btw) is currently the No. 1 rider on the Professional Bull Riders Built Ford Tough Series with 9,427 Points. If I had a womb, I would have his baby. Since I don't, all I can offer is a mind-melting and orgasmic blowjob.

3. Truck Driver at the Shell Station

Sitting in traffic on my way home from work I was waiting for the left turn arrow to lite up. Once it did my progress towards home was impeded by a fuel tanker truck that had back out into oncoming traffic, made a 3 point turn, ran over 3 curbs and pushed his way into the dense traffic on a major city thoroughfare. Usually this would have seriously pissed me off but watching him operate a vehicle that had the potential to blow up several city blocks with such grace and ease made me conclude the following, which is, you, sir, deserve a blowjob. (Note: just because he deserved one does not mean I'm volunteering to give him one.)


4. Jimi Hendrix

Yes, I included a dead person on this list. My iPod really wanted to hear "Machine Gun" on my way home from work and I don't deny the magical device when it wants to RAWK THE FUCK OUT. Following my iPod's lead I was reminded that I remember the lyrics:

EVIL MAN MAKE ME KILL YA
EVIL MAN MAKE YOU KILL ME
EVIL MAN MAKE ME KILL YOU
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ONLY FAMILIES APART

Love ya' Jimi!



5. John Stamos

His appearance on a popular Australian talk show mere hours out of stumbling out of the nearest tavern was brave, bold and humiliating. My favorite part was when he grabbed the glass head out of the "Priscella Queen of the Desert" headdress and placed it over his junk. Pure genius. Uncle Jesse, you deserve a nice, satisfying BJ (if you're capable of getting it up, that is).

Well, there you have it. This little project allowed me to drink a beer, listen to more Hendrix and forget about the awful day I had at work. My mood has now lightened considerably.

Have a fun, safe and lovely weekend y'all.

And if Aramis Ramirez, Justin McBride or John Stamos (not to mention my dream man Grady Sexy Sizemore) happen to be reading this and want to cash in your BJ coupons, you know where to find me. As they say in Chicago, "meet me undah da clock".

6 comments:

J.R. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.R. said...

Hahaha. Great post, man. I especially respect your choice with No. 3. It takes a big man to look past an inconvenience and recognize a nuisance's worthiness of a blowjob. Heh.

Nothing Golden Stays

One Lil Aussie said...

Your stoned!! Hilarious as all fuck! Well done! :)

Anonymous said...

I think you deserve a blow job! But not from me.

-Roomie

Silly Billy said...

This is awesome man. I can't wait to see the list of people who can blow you.

Dee said...

wow this is a very good thread. I'll be looking forward to the next worthy b/j contestents.