Thursday, May 12, 2011


The title of this post is a direct quote, from a regular, female bar patron that I have served, many, many times in the past. She is a lightweight, in that she drinks a Carlsburg and a Buttery Nipple (a disgusting shot of liquor that people that can't handle their liquor seem to prefer) and hits on not only me, but all the other guys that I work with.

Anyways, she came in DRUNK AS FUCK on Tuesday night around Midnight and said the following:

"Hey Jake (she forgot my name) let's DO SOME SHOTS".

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"I've been wanting to suck your nuts for months".

After explaining to her how "flattered" I was at her drunken advances, the "gay" conversation took place, and she thought I was being rude and/or insulting. She is attractive, for sure but we all know how I roll, but STILL I have to convince people how I do.

So after reassuring her that she is a catch, and having to convince her that I would simply tell her to FUCK OFF if I wasn't interested in what she's got going on...she comes around behind the bar (GET OUT OF MY SERVICE AREA - huge pet peeve of mine) she fucking grabs my junk.

And wouldn't let go. Now, keep in mind that in my previous occupation as a bouncer/doorman, I've had to drag 2 women kicking and screaming to the curb. So, I think I exhibited admirable restraint in gently, yet firmly removing this drunk woman's death grip from my testicles.

If it was a guy, I would have knocked him out cold. OR at least tried to. Sigh.

It's really hard sometimes...convincing people I am being honest when I explain which team I play for, and not crossing the line when maybe it needs to be done. BUT since I do not advocate any form of violence towards women, it's a GODDAMN pain in the ass.

Oh, and I have a major boner for her brother-in-law, who she thinks is gay (as do I) but that's another story...


Dean Grey said...

LOL at her calling you Jake!


bigmikesinphilly said...

LOL...I hate it when women take advantage of the fact that they know we won't knock them the fuck out.

Next time that happens....tickle her? lol. Great story.


The New Me said...

oh my