Tuesday, May 11, 2010


It dawned upon me today that in 4-ish months my brother will be standing at the alter, and since I am his only sibling, I shall be standing at his side. This is a good thing, an awesome thing in fact, as I love the shit out of my future sister-in-law (God that sounds odd).

Here's why I'm a bit nervous: my family is...interesting. I've hinted at it before, but let's try to lay it out. And don't worry if you get confused, I do too.

My original nuclear family consists of My Mom, Dad, older Brother and obviously yours truly. My parents split up in 92' or 93'. Since then, my Mom moved to Phoenix and got remarried to my cool Stepdad (he's originally from Detroit but has lived in that fucking desert since the late 70's and likes guns and ice hockey). Mom and Stepdad got married in...99'? I think.

Anyways, my real Dad and my Stepdad have never met in person, and only accidentally spoke briefly on the phone 2 or 3 times, ever. Meanwhile, my Dad moved to NYC to live with his partner...who is Korean, a one time male model, currently an interior designer, rocks a ponytail and strictly adheres to wearing Prada in formal situations. No one besides my brother, his finance or myself in my family has met him...

...which includes my Dad's parents. Only one of which is biological. His original Father...well, I'd rather not go into details. But my Dad's Dad is really his Stepdad. And the poor guy is suffering from dementia. And he nearly ruined my cousin's wedding last fall.

Wait..it gets better. A few years back my Mom's Mom passed away. A year later my Stepdad's Dad passed away. So naturally, Mom's Dad and Stepdad's Mom shacked up. They are in their late 80's and from what my Mom tells me, they are...physically "affectionate/inappropriate" at inopportune moments (such as at Thanksgiving dinner).

Furthermore, my future Sister-In-Law's family is equally...interesting, divorced, remarried, etc. She has one sister (wow - I'm about to gain 2 real-ish sisters) and I know almost nothing about her extended family, nor their current or ex-spouses.

On top of all THAT...there will be numerous guests present from the "other" family, namely people that work at the group of bars that my brother used to work at, still frequents and at which I currently work at (talk about nepotism). I would not be surprised if my former manager, aka, "let's do coke off a knife" guy is the DJ.

And I'm the Best Man. Actually...I'm apparently Co-Best Man (?). Which I have no idea what THAT means (good thing my brother is not into strip clubs or Vegas).

Seeing as I won't be getting hitched anytime soon, this going to be one HUGELY INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP/AWESOME family reunion. Do not get me wrong, I am so very much looking forward to this monumental event. I'll make every effort to make sure everyone gets along ans is as comfortable as possible and has a fucking great time.

Seeing as I'll be in the center of it all, and in some ways will be the "hub" amongst all these various parties, I better start looking for a ringmaster's outfit, a pink Hummer limo, a prescription for Xanax and perhaps hiring a male Puerto Rican stripper to be my date.

PS-Thank God this is NOT taking place in a Church.


Mind Of Mine said...

My brother got married in July 09. I was so expecting it to go monumentally badly. However it turned out to be one of the best days of my life.

I want your family!!

drew said...

Justin, you described it very well. All we needed was you drawing a family tree with the story. Oh, I know why you didn't.. not enough room on the computer screen!! Sounds like quite a group..

ex-roomie said...

Is Uncle Marge coming, too?

JUSTIN said...

@ex-roomie: No, Uncle Marge will not be in attendance, as she has been ex-communicated from the tribe.

Caleb said...

Well, if nothing else, that Puerto Rican stripper can "carry your luggage."

Cockbag LLC said...

You win your family is crazier than mine although my cousin's ex mother-in-law went into how bad of a person he was at my Grandma's wake. Seriously who does that!?!

Dean Grey said...


I've soooo got to get invited to this wedding! LOL


Thomas said...

Sounds like the wedding is gonna be a great event to watch unfold, from a 3rd person's perspective.

...Need a date? hahaha

JUSTIN said...

The more dates the better! Although I must say...the guy I met last night is a candidate!