Monday, December 28, 2009


The above question mysteriously popped into my mind when I went to take a piss at 3:30AM, and has kept me awake ever since. Expository background: since Thanksgiving I've been dealing with a terminally ill family member - which is hard enough without it being the fucking holidays (I may or may not write about trying to console my Mother, totally drunk, in an elevator with "Santa is Coming to Town" playing in the background).

But yeah, that fucking existential question is stuck in my head and I can't help but ponder it. Obviously, we all know the biological answer to said question; but "spiritually", you're fucking alive before you're even born, and live long after you die. Right? At least that's how I feel. It's a comforting thought to think your literal time on this earth is exceeded by the memories of you're loved ones.

It's taken me 30 years of thought to bring me to this realization, and most likely it will take me another 30 years to wrap my head this concept, but it's comforting to know I'll be around long after I'm not. And so will you. We all leave our mark regardless if we know it or not; for good or ill, life is NOT defined by the breathe we take, a pulse or a blip on an expensive machine.

That being said, with my family's genetics, you all are going to have to deal with me FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME. We do not die easily. For fuck's sake, I should already be dead a half dozen times over, yet here I sit, awake at 5:30AM and pondering the concept of "life force". By all accounts, I got it easy.


headbang8 said...

in fact, it's probably MORE beholden upon gay men and women to be remembered by friends and loved ones, since we are less liekly to have progeny that keep up our memory. Live a life that touches people, and go out with a bang.

S J D said...

I was going to iChat you but decided it might be weird and I was going to email you but didn't feel like setting up Apple mail on this computer.

What are you doing for the big holiday?

JUSTIN said...

Most likely spending it at my buddy's place. What about you? Are you planning on being in Chicago?

S J D said...

You know it. Living it up in Lincoln Park with some bros from high school. Because that's obviously my style.

Oh wait ... that's actually what I'm doing haha

Aaron said...

hahaha. i was luckily enough to learnt that 7 years ago when my best mate died. it took a while to learn and accept that, but i am glad i learnt that at 23. and now very consciously make an effort to make decisions that i want my life to end up to be. hey, i hope u've had a good holiday break!

Dean Grey said...


I hope you're right about us existing long after we're gone from this world.

Only time will tell!

I'm keeping your ill family member in my prayers as well.

May great things come your way in this upcoming new year!!


Xtremeforce said...

I will say I do not post alot of comments but I LOVE LOVE coming to your blog.

Happy New Year