Thursday, December 3, 2009


Fucking shit, the wake I went to today was so very sad (obviously). But it was so much more than that. It was also an impromptu grade & high school reunion. And everyone looked like shit because everyone could NOT hold back their tears. We also all have aged over the years.

The line to pass the (thankfully) closed casket snaked out the back of the door, and it took about an hour to reach...Mikey. FUCK, his family placed blown up pictures of him (he was really, really good looking) along the way, which just screwed with my head. I did all I could to support my good friend Sue, and be her "husband" (he couldn't fly back from Alaska) and be strong as fuck.

Mostly, I held it together, but when Mikey's Mom told me "we had him for 29 wonderful years" I fucking completely lost it. I dashed to the coat room, grabbed my jacket, and smoked 2 cigs back to back while bawling my eyes out.

I got my shit together enough to engage in random conversations with people I haven't seen in 15, maybe even 20 years. One girl in particular, I used to have an innocent crush on in the 5th grade. We briefly re-connected, embraced and she totally fucking lost it, weeping on my (mostly healed) shoulder.

Everywhere I looked, I saw red, moist eyes, 15-20 years removed from what I last saw. FUCK. If you saw me in the line to pay respects, you'd figure me as an asshole, since I tried my best to tell jokes and laugh and shit, which was my defense, and my way of acting strong for those around me.

It's the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through.


Anonymous said...


It's great you were stong for others, but who takes care of you? Imagine how his mom felt.

Losing people you love sucks. Don't freak if sleep patterns change or you find your memory slower than normal. May your ride on the grief roller coaster be short!


Caleb said...

Justin - It's terrible to see someone you care about taken so quickly. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I know you are sad but this am wondering how much of this is your own feelings about him or is it about other things. He is someone you knew and this is horrible. I went through this last year with a friend or should I say acquaintance that died. It seems that this is where you are, remembering your youth, caught in a moment enhanced by group grief. I am not trying to say that you are not sincerely upset but this guy was not someone you were currently friends with or someone you probably had spoken to in a number of years. I guess it is a really of reminder of how we long for the past, sometimes forgetting what and who was important along the way. It also serves as a reminder that we are not as strong and invincible as we think. We need to cherish ourselves, those who are important to our lives and not forget it is bigger than us. It brings perspective back to the fact that we get caught up in the pettiness of being. Good luck, Justin.

JUSTIN said...

Y'all are so sweet. I'm not toiling in grief though, although the tone of this post might suggest that. Just working through some shit.

Dean Grey said...


If it makes you feel any better, I'm CERTAIN Mikey's mom felt quite proud to have so people coming to his wake to remember him.

It shows her that he was loved and appreciated.

All the best to his family!