Monday, August 10, 2009

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

That's a great question, and one I ask myself on a daily basis. The simple answer is...I have no fucking idea. But the "real answer", like so many things is so much complicated, filled with guesses, estimations and just plain ignorance (mixed with ego) on my behalf.

Anyone that has received a late night phone call from me in the last 2 years has endured me going through the motions, as I have taken to calling them. There are generally 3 steps, which I'll broadly outline:

Step 1: "OMG...I met an awesome guy!"
Step 2: "He says he's busy (or won't return calls) but he is still totally interested."
Step 3: [Me, drunk on whiskey] "he just blew me off/is no longer interested...if he ever was...etc."

The inevitable response I receive from friends (or...gawd forbid, from my Mom) is generally "don't worry! there is someone awesome out there for you!" Though appreciated, the nice sentiments ring hollow these days and nights.

Jaded? That might begin to explain the way I feel. Frustrated? You bet. Desperate? Well...you might take some side action betting on that (but i'm not willing to spill that, unless however you intend on splitting the profitable results of said side action).

UGH...I feel like such a useless/undesirable person these days. I'm barely keeping my life together, and seriously, who would want to date someone like me? I realize I'm no Channing Tatum, nor am I am David Spade. Like most people, I'm jumbled in the middle, which is totally OK. I'm not rich (duh) not poor, nor overly intelligent or stupid. I'm just average...

...but average in an odd way. Perhaps it's the heat that might prevent me from explaining it better, but I've never really fit into any specific group. This has never been a hindrance to making friends (indeed, my buddies scale the horizon of random social groups). But romantically, it just seems that whatever is specific about me keeps people from wanting to establish a true romantic connection.

Or maybe it's just me fucking up things all on my own. Either way, the lack of results has become an albatross around my neck.

10 comments:

Cockbag LLC said...

I think I could have written that blog post myself. Someone has to be out there for both us but I am getting rather impatient!

S said...

It's true that people show up in our lives when they're supposed to.

Thing is, I'm too damned impatient to wait for that to happen.

That's why if there's something/someone I like, I go after it.

Dean Grey said...

Justin!

I have heard the phrase, "there's someone out there for you" so many times I know longer believe it.

It's all left me rather cynical, unfortunately, and often viewing the glass as half-empty.

In my heart, I think there's no such thing as a soul-mate or a knight-in-shining-armor.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. One must save their own self and essentially become their own knight!!

This is of course easier said than done.

I too, feel undesirable and most times like a piece of shit. But that's for me to work on not anyone else.

I've (almost) accepted the fact that I may be alone for the rest of my life. That I may never find anyone who's compatible with me.

Make no mistake though. No one needs anyone to make it in this world. We all can survive just fine by ourselves. It's just people make it not as lonely, that's all.

I wish I had a better answer for you, dear Justin, but I'm in the same boat as you!

Sorry for this long-ass comment.....again!

-Dean

MidwestSmartass said...

I hear this a lot, too, and frankly, I would rather be happy by myself than in a crappy relationship. I know that is partially a cop out, but when I look around and see all these people who bounce from one "love" to another and/or cheat or have an open relationship, I'd rather just be happy with my friends, DVR, and the occasional tawdry scene.

Of course, it is easy to blame ourselves because the one constant in every single bad relationship we have is, well, us, but I choose to believe it has more to with the fact that most people don't have a clue as to what it means to be in a real, loving, monogamous relationship. They're just too freaking afraid of being alone in this world that they'll accept being unhappy in a relationship instead of being alone.

I may never find a boyfriend, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around and lament not having one. Live your life, and if you end up with someone special, then be sure that it is right and not just because you think you have to have a bf.

Too much, Dr. Phil. I know :-) However, it's the truth.

Anonymous said...

well maybe part of the problem is where you're looking for guys. someone posted on one of the other posts about meeting guys in bars-clubs and the saying is absolutely true.

"Meet a guy in a bar, lose a guy in a bar.

and if you're really serious about finding a boyfriend you have to think long term and find a guy that possesses those qualities.

Someone who's caring, affectionate attentive, intelligent, always there for you, considerate and honest and just a good person. Find a guy with even some of those qualities and aggressively pursue him. If you don't someone else will and it'll be your loss not theirs.

A lot of your older posts talk about getting drunk and jacking off with dudes you just met. maybe you're not ready to settle down with one guy.

From past experience I know you can't have "fun" and be in a committed relationship at the same time

maybe you're not ready to give up one for the other?.

good luck on your boyfriend-quest dude.

a.j.

JUSTIN said...

With a handful of exceptions, I have never picked up/been picked up without the expectation of it developing into something more. I have been naive as FUCK in the past. I get that.

Anonymous said...

a.j. here again

Are you naive? maybe you are but Im assuming it's because you don't have a lot of experience being in a committed relationship

how could you ever expect something serious to develop from hooking up with some dude?

If you really want a boyfriend ask a guy out on date but don't spend the night or do anything sexual with him immediately. If you "fool around" wit h him right away it sends the message you're-----looking to fool around.

If he's not interested in waiting, he's not interested in being in a serious relationship, simple as that

Get to know a guy first. Romance him, find out things about him, treat him right and most importantly let him know you like him as a person and that you want to continue getting to know each other.

to be in a genuinely loving relationship you have to be genuinely loving and 'fooling around' isn't love!

Having a boyfriend is hard work. It takes patience, commitment and time, acceptance (the good and bad) and you have to love that person in the truest sense of the word

i'm just throwin my opinions out there

good luck bro

Anonymous said...

Hi Justin, first time commenting on your blog but been following for a while.

Two things about your sentiments rang very true to me when I was your age: 1) not being sure why things never seemed to work out with someone, and 2) not really feeling like you fit in to any specific group.

If it gives you any hope, I was mostly single all thru my 20's and didn't meet my current partner of 6 years until I was 32. As hopeless as it may seem, I do believe there IS someone out there for you - it just takes time.

And, no disrespect to a.j. but don't get too bogged down with any "rules" - it IS possible to meet people in bars. Or online. Or wherever. And the occasional hook-up with a guy when you're single does NOT send the wrong message - if the stars line up and you both happen to be looking for the same thing at the same time, and you both happen to be into each other, it really won't matter whether you hook up on the first date or wait x number of dates. This isn't the 1950's where people judge you based on how quickly you get naked with someone.

Hope this helps :)

Anonymous said...

Justin...and you too Dean,

How about a re-frame on this thought process. Screw the "there is someone out there..." response and just know if things don't work out, it is because you deserve MORE and the other party just wasn't up to it.

No benefit can be gained from claiming ownership for a non relationship.

Chin up boys!
Alex

Dean Grey said...

(Justin, this one's for Alex)

Alex!

Thanks for this but how long can one wait?

I do agree if another person just doesn't show a real interest in you that they're better off with someone else instead. That I deserve someone who genuinely wants to get to know me....for the right reasons.

Sometimes it seems like I'm being accepting of everyone else's flaws but in the gay community I don't get the same in return.

I wish I knew what the answers were but I don't.

I appreciate the thought though!

-Dean