JUSTIN GOES TO NAPERVILLE AND LITERALLY ENDS UP IN THE GUTTER

Outside of my trip to NYC in early June, I haven't left the city limits since...May? Not that I really had any reason to; I quite enjoy living in my little bubble. But I did, in fact, leave the city this past weekend to attend a party put on by my friend in her backyard, way the fuck out in exotic Naperville, IL.

The suburbs bother me. Not to be a snob (but I guess I am one) but man, I'm so city-centric now that I just fucking hate it out there. So much so, that I often over-exaggerate how long it's been since I was last there. But in this case I managed to have a GREAT time and not piss off too many people (I think...).

However, amidst the revelry of the party, my buddy Josh and I both ran out of cigs at the same damn time. Shit man, I hate when that happens! Anyways, we asked our lovely host where we might go acquire more tobacco. Since neither Josh or myself drove us, and even if we did, we were drunk at this point, so we opted to travel via our feet. We were told the nearest gas station is "just down the road, take 2 rights, then a left and it's RIGHT THERE".

Well, this particular neighborhood is heavily wooded, hilly and lacking street lamps. Needless to say we got lost about 5 minutes into this walk, then proceeded to walk in circles for an hour or so (NOTE: The GPS function on my phone is fucking useless when you can't figure which way is north, east, west or south).

Finally we found our way to the highway, which would hopefully lead us to the gas station. Sidewalks? Fuck no. We stumbled along a glorified drainage ditch, again with little to no light to guide us. Somehow, my buddy Josh still saw the GIANT FUCKING DRAIN THING that apparently had it out for me. [Whoever had the brilliant idea to surround said drain thing with hundreds of mean spirited rocks can FUCK OFF AND DIE].

Not only did I eat total shit the first time Mr. Evil Drain Thing and I met up...I also fucking ate it on the way back home. Damn! All I could do was vigorously shake my fist at my opponent and hope that I didn't have massive bruises on my knees the next day (I didn't).

It took us so long to get smokes that people back at the party apparently got worried about us and were considering organizing a search party. Which is sweet of them, but we got back mostly in tact. Oh, and I only paid $38 for a carton! WOOOOOOT! UGH, I gotta quit smoking.