FUCK HEALTH INSURANCE, MY ROOMIE IS PRE-MED

When I thankfully was relieved of a job that I fucking hated last fall (FUCK - it's been that long?) I was generously graced with a extension of my health benefits for a solid month. Assholes. Still, I took full advantage of that shit. I got my teeth cleaned, had a physical performed and my eyes checked. Everything checked out. WORD.

But since that time so long ago, I have been without access to proper health care. That's where my Super-Awesome-Roommate comes in. I don't really have "allergies" per se, but the weather has been so fucked up here lately, that I am exhibiting signs of having a latent allergy to severe, and sudden changes in the weather. Thus, when I awoke this morning, my head produced an astonishing array of substances that I will not disclose here.

INT. VINTAGE CHICAGO APARTMENT (DAY)

ME: "Ugh, I can't fucking breathe out of my nose."

ROOMIE: "Oh, that sucks...hang on [rustles through a bag in his room]...here try this, it's called Nasonex".

ME: "Oh, well, um, I usually don't use shit like that, but what the hell [SNORTSQUEEZESNORT]...WOOOOOOO! It's like...my nose works again!"

ROOMIE: "Yeah, that's good shit."

No shit! There was a recent instance in which we both regretted not having each other around for our mutual benefit. After my ride got jacked, I rented Nissan Sentra from Enterprise. This particular vehicle had an unintended option in the form of a jagged piece of metal jutting from the door frame. When I went to close the door *SLICE* went 2 of my fingers. Holy shit. I haven't bled like that since...since I don't remember when.

The next day he inquired about the abortion in our bathroom trash can and asked "did you slice your throat last night?" I explained about my then immobile fingers, and after showing the wounds, he got pissed...because he needs to practice his stitching technique. It's like my own private ER, which for a randomly, injury-prone moron like myself, is rather comforting.

Despite this reassuring presence in my immediate vicinity, I have chosed not to play softball this summer; I know it's a sport for lazy drunks like myself, but fuck if I'm going to break something and pay through the (newly freed) nose to get it fixed, this shall be known as the SUMMER OF LEAST RESISTENCE!