Wednesday, May 13, 2009


According to the research it just took me 30 seconds to do, the umbrella has been around since 21 A.D., when someone named Wang Mang utilized one in his wedding ceremony. To that I say, and this reasoning stands today in my mind....PUSSY. 

If you really need to be THAT protected from the elements, just stay the fuck inside. Last night, I was at my buddy's place, drunk/high as shit, it was 2AM and I got ready to extend my middle fingers at the passing CTA buses and walk the 1/2 mile or so home. 

Had I an umbrella in my possession, perhaps I would have considered walking bravely home in the elements. But after careful consideration (and a Camel Light) I decided this particular storm was not worth the effort. So I crashed on a couch instead.

This afternoon, on my way home, I walked in the light mist along a busy street and had to dodge people with umbrellas left, and right. Come on people really? YOU WILL NOT MELT. And stop taking up the entire fucking sidewalk while threatening to stab me in the eye[s) with your useless contraption. 

Whew, not to get too worked up about something so inane, but it got me thinking, and thus, I determined there are only 3 legit reasons to use an umbrella:

1. You are my Mom, circa 1989 and just got your hair did/permed. 
2. You have a recent head wound, and the stitches are sticky.
3. You are Michael Jackson.

Outside of those 3 reasons, just suck it the fuck up and let the moisture accumulate on your head and body. It's really not that bad. In fact, you might even look all unexpectedly hot to a random stranger.   


Devyn said...

I've often had fantasies of dragging the patio umbrella along out that single rain drop falls a quarter mile away... If I had a patio umbrella... Trust me, it is worse here... The precious models don't like to get their $5k Chanel bag wet.

Windy City Sex blog said...

Try navigating downtown streets with those huge golf umbrellas passing you by. The L stops downtown are even better as they wait on those narrow stairs until the last possible second to close it. You are not alone in your random hatred of the umbrella.

California Shy Guy said...

what are you views on big brimmed hats?

Billy said...

And truth be told - they don't even really work. Everytime I have an umbrella I still get wet somehow.

Dean Grey said...

Justin, did you get picked on as a child by someone carrying an umbrella or something?

Sure, I love the rain and love getting wet! (OMG, that sounds kind of dirty!)

But when you are on your way to work all dressed up, you cannot show up at the office completely drenched, now can you?

It rained like hell yesterday night and my semi-functional umbrella was the only thing between me and that abrupt thunderstorm I got caught in. everything else, have their time and place.


Thomas said...

Being tall, all the meta-prongs at each end of the umbrella wires are always at the height of my neck. I feel you Justin.

It's always the elderly asian men/women who have the giant umbrellas that hit everyone!

Meeting Neil is Easy said...

I know exactly what I'm getting you for your next birthday!

ex-roomie said...

Was that by any chance my couch you were sleeping on??

J Catlow-Shea said...

I agree that the size of umbrellas, the appropriate use of umbrellas and the umbrella courtesy (lack thereof) is appalling but for one who has glasses that get coated every 10 seconds without an umbrella in the rain/mist (thereby making it difficult if not impossible to see) it is an essential tool of my urban life.