According to the research it just took me 30 seconds to do, the umbrella has been around since 21 A.D., when someone named Wang Mang utilized one in his wedding ceremony. To that I say, and this reasoning stands today in my mind....PUSSY.
If you really need to be THAT protected from the elements, just stay the fuck inside. Last night, I was at my buddy's place, drunk/high as shit, it was 2AM and I got ready to extend my middle fingers at the passing CTA buses and walk the 1/2 mile or so home.
Had I an umbrella in my possession, perhaps I would have considered walking bravely home in the elements. But after careful consideration (and a Camel Light) I decided this particular storm was not worth the effort. So I crashed on a couch instead.
This afternoon, on my way home, I walked in the light mist along a busy street and had to dodge people with umbrellas left, and right. Come on people really? YOU WILL NOT MELT. And stop taking up the entire fucking sidewalk while threatening to stab me in the eye[s) with your useless contraption.
Whew, not to get too worked up about something so inane, but it got me thinking, and thus, I determined there are only 3 legit reasons to use an umbrella:
1. You are my Mom, circa 1989 and just got your hair did/permed.
2. You have a recent head wound, and the stitches are sticky.
3. You are Michael Jackson.
Outside of those 3 reasons, just suck it the fuck up and let the moisture accumulate on your head and body. It's really not that bad. In fact, you might even look all unexpectedly hot to a random stranger.