Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Yesterday I was amusing myself by perusing various ads on Craigslist (and no...not for sex!) when I came across a post with the above headline. At first, I dismissed the validity of this question as being arbitrary at best, fucking retarded at worse. But then someone happened. Over the course of the next several hours, that question kept popping up in my head...

Obviously, the answer to said question is not "one-size-fits-all" but I think, and this is just me here, at least for urban gay men, the overwhelmingly common answer is, well...NO. Disagree with me all you want (no really! I seek the opinions of others). But based on my own experiences, that might just seem to the case. 

This is just going out on the limb here, but I think that those "urban gay men" that have experienced "love" in their 20's probably came out at an early age, in high school or at the start of college. 

Naturally, this would give oneself time to experiment (*cough*be a slut*cough*) and then to settle down, as it were. To every rule there are exceptions, and I am sure there are a lot of guys out there that shot out of the closet like a canon and landed in the safety net of another guy. 

Everyone else it seems (that I know or know of), never really found something/anyone permanent, outside of dating one for a month or two or three. And I wonder, of those guys that did date guys for say, 6 months, would they look back and consider their expired relationship true love? Obviously, the concept itself is arbitrary; without having an established baseline, or something to compare something else to, how do you know what constitutes "love"? 

I thought I did with with the guy I last had a semi-serious relationship with, but looking back, maybe it was just companionship, surface beauty and explosive orgasms. Or maybe that's what it's all about(?)! Fuck if I know.

PS - After writing this I have Van Halen's "How Do I Know When It's Love" stuck in my head. Ugh. 


Bruce said...

I agree you you Justin. Since most of us did not come out until well into our mid to late 20's, we have to experience all those feelings straights kids feel in their mid to late teens. Our sexual growth is stunted to some degree and we take longer to get through that exploration/experimentation stage, hence most gays I know aren't even looking for serious relationships until well into our 30's. A good example of this comes from the last season QAF when Emmitt was seeing the newly out football player. He equated him to a 17 year old beacuse of his just coming out and saw that they were at different stages in life. Maybe that's it, since gays all come out at different ages, we are never really at the same stage in life so it's harder to find someone who is at that same stage. Where as for straights, they are typically at about the same stage because they all "come out sexually" around the same time, their mid teens. Hmmm...

Dean Grey said...


Bruce brought up some excellent points.

One should also note that growing up homosexual, at least my generation, we never did see healthy gay relationships...at all! You wouldn't even know they existed because you just never saw a gay couple except through porn and that's hardly love!


Men tend to mature slower than women. 20-something-girls (for the most part) act more grown-up compared to 20-something-guys that still act like boozing frat boys in college (hardly relationship material).

All us bois are struggling out there looking for a great guy. Too afraid to go out on limb, to open up, for fear of rejection.

So to answer your question. Does love exist in the 20's? Possibly, but that's rare, at least love by its TRUEST definition (no, "fuck buddies" and "cuddle buddies" don't count!).

But I do believe love exists for those that are open to it. The more open and receptive you are, the greater your chances.

With all that said, I'm currently alone! So what do I know!?


S said...

I just came out of a somewhat long-term relationship with someone who never been in one (short- or long-term).

Let's say he didn't know what he wanted (hence, the end of the relationship).

Windy City Sex blog said...

Oddly enough I recently posted about 2 guys that I was in relationships. The first was puppy love and while sweet is not something that lasts. The other was real and hurt like hell when it didn't last. I haven't written about the current guy yet as I am not ready to blog about it. Ultimately, it really depends on the guy(s) involved. Maybe I've been lucky but I've had two real relationships that started in my 20's and the puppy love one. And a list of deushe bags too.

Thomas said...

I've been in relationships and I've never loved.

It doesn't bother me, of course I'm only almost 24.

Maybe I'm having an emo moment, but I don't personally really ever see myself loving someone or being loved by someone. Seems just too weird.

S J D said...

Discounting your post entirely, I will say this in response to you: I love hitting the links, and catching up with friends, and kind of even like working one day a week at the mall (despite the amount of time I devote to complaining about that), but after about two weeks, the even the nicest of suburbs loses its charm. Please remind me I predicted an odd bloodlust for Champaign, when I decide that I hate home in about a week.


And I agree with you: love in the 20's is probably not happening.