Friday, March 20, 2009

SINGLE LIT WINDOW

It's past 3AM as I bathe in the glow of this monitor while stressing the abilities of my contact lenses to focus my eyes; from what I can see around me, mine is the only window lit by light. And the song passing through my headphones goes like this:

yellow is the color of my true love's crossbow
yellow is the color of the sun
black is the color of 
a strangled rainbow
the color of my loss
and black is the color of my true love's arrow
that's the color of my blood

-Elvis Perkins "Shampoo"

Don't get me wrong...I'm not going "full-emo", but I have had a few drinks while ruminating on a week both quiet and tumultuous. Also, I'm attempting to stay up as late as possible so that I can sleep in and not be sleepy while at work tomorrow night. I might just have to yell at some asshole NOT to piss on my car again. Fuckers.  

NOTE to self: DO NOT get wasted on St. Patty's Day with an EX that I still have feelings for. I'm not exaggerating when I say I prevented my thumbs from texting him every day since I last saw him way back in October. We finally made plans to hang last Tuesday, not realizing at the time that it was said holiday. 

The least said the better...but after power-washing my emotions with many tears I feel better. That's all I'll say about that, although I should add I think that any residual feelings I had are gone (wishful thinking), which hurts like a bitch, but...what other choice do I have? 

Although...and it may or not be related, but the dreaded night terrors have returned; last night I had the most fucked up suite of "dreams" that I hope to never have again. UGH. Maybe I was just shedding some emotional "skin". I felt much better having taken a nice afternoon jaunt on the local expressways after I got out of bed; that always makes me feel better.

Speaking of feeling better about shit, I've been hitting up the gym like WHOA. Just sitting here makes me feel sore, but a good sore (and whiskey seems to make these old bones feel better - that and reruns of Queer as Folk). Even Hot-Roomie commented on my new-found commitment not to be lazy...  

Fuck me...there are a few other somewhat major things that would have forced a lesser person to purchase a firearm for reasons "non-defensive", and yet, in the midst of shit piling up around my ankles, I still refuse NOT to maintain a positive attitude. By no means am I "happy-go-lucky", and to do so would be an intentional act of folly. But I sincerely believe tomorrow will be better than today. It can't NOT be.

5 comments:

dan said...

i was just sort of wondering how much of your body was bathing in that glow... ha ha.
hope it's a good weekend stud. later

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Thomas said...

Justin, you (and your writing) are admirable and awesome.

Dean Grey said...

Justin,

I wondered why you haven't posted anything this week until now. Now I know why.

Crying away the pain can sometimes help. Don't be ashamed of the tears. I'm somewhat "emo" in that I can cry at pretty much anything if triggered correctly.

The fact that you made it this far is a good thing.

For those of us struggling right now, tomorrow may not be better than today, but I do believe that "a tomorrow" down the road can definitely be better than the way things are at the moment.

Hope for the future.....

-Dean

P.S.: Continue hitting the gym. With summer fast approaching you want to "rawk" that Chicago tattoo on your arm to its fullest!

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