Across the street from the bar I work at, lies a vacant storefront that someone has rented out to a some douche bag Wicker Park hipsters (which will henceforth be referred to as the Hipster Biker Brigade). At the night drew to a close I noticed, with mild concern of the group of dudes gathering near my car, which was parked in front of said storefront.
It goes without saying that I'm kinda a bitch when it comes to my car; so when I looked out the window and say some dude FUCKING PISSING ON/NEAR MY CAR I did not hesitate to cross the street and confront the asshole. Shit went down like this:
ME: "Hi there. Excuse me, but would you mind NOT pissing on my fucking car?"
HIPSTER WITH TINY PENIS IN HAND: "Oh, um...is this really your car?"
ME: "Would I give a flying fuck if it wasn't?"
HIPSTER WITH TINY PENIS IN HAND: "Oh. Right. Well, for what it's worth I was pissing on the ground near your car. See (pointing at piss puddle on the ground) I only maybe splashed your undercarriage."
ME: [exhibiting remarkable restraint]: "Why the fuck can't you piss in the alley like a proper man?"
HIPSTER WITH TINY PENIS IN HAND: "Oh, well, I....um....sorry man, really, I, um..."
I swear to GAWD I was going to beat the living shit out of this asshole in front of his friends. Really. I'm not a fighter, but this guy was begging to get his teeth kicked in. To his or perhaps my credit, we instead engaged in a surprisingly fruitful conversation. However, I was certain that I would drive home with "DIE CAPITALIST PIG" written on my passenger side door. Thankfully, I did not. Crisis averted!