Sunday, March 1, 2009


Per Jack's request, I will now willingly commit the sin of pride...automotive pride that is. I am full of random ability, but I am particularly PROUD of my driving abilities. Recently I had to re-up on my car insurance and I was pleasantly reminded that I have ZERO points on my license [knock on wood] which is something of an achievement for someone who once piloted a purple Lincoln Continental while high on LSD.

I'm thinking part of the reason for my driving prowess was the result of the first pair of autos I had access to. Below is a 1996 Pontiac Trans Am. This was my mother's car and it had a 275-HP V-8 and T-Tops. She gave me driving lessons in a pet cemetery. Seriously. Giving a car like this to a 16 year old guy is akin to handing out a .357 Magnum lacking a lock. Oh how I pine for the days when I used to SMOKE assholes in Ford Mustangs. Fuck 'em.

My other teenage whip was my father's 1997 Mercedes-Benz 300E. This, my friends, is a fucking CAR! It wasn't that fast, nor luxurious, but I'll be damned if it wasn't bullet proof. Few people outside of the American Midwest can fathom how dicey driving in the winter can be, and yet this car just oozed confidence. I really liked the head lamp washers too (which I just noticed this image lacks)!

My greatest driving feat was safely transporting my person from Chicago to LA. That's 2,000 miles kids, and at a certain point I got sick of being in the car with MYSELF. Thank God I was alone, otherwise I would have left even my best friend for dead somewhere near the continental divide. 

When people ask me what I want to do when I "grow up" I respond without hesitation and shout "RACE CAR DRIVER". I'm not kidding. If I had few grand to blow I wouldn't donate it to charity (feel free to interject here Gloria :)) I would piss it away at Skip Barber Racing School. Really, this possibility is what gets me out of bed in the morning (fuck it - I'm already going to hell). All I need is an understanding benefactor to make this happen. 

This great dream of mine might be drawing close sooner than I think. My lithe metallic boyfriend (my Acura RSX Type-S) is set to be returned in less than 5 months and it scares the shit out of me. After I get over the initial shock I think I'll acquire a Volvo 850 R. I've always been horny for that bitch (just not in yellow - paint it black YO). 

UM, yeah, so, I don't know if I fulfilled Jack's requirements. This basically just turned into my jerking off about cars... 


dan said...

any recent shoe purchases? and have you been to the gym since that last trainer guy experience. just wondering. later
also since you were at mardi gras in st louis, have you ever been to mardi in N.O? and what are your thoughts about weekend decadence in N.O.?

JUSTIN said...

Sadly no new shoe purchases to report. My belt is pretty tight these days...

Never been to N.O. but it's on my list of things to do/places to go before I die!