Wednesday, October 8, 2008

THINGS THAT SCARE ME/MY VARIOUS ARCH NEMESIS' PART 1

1. Cinnamon

I blame the British for unleashing this scourge upon the world. Not only does it taste like shit, the smell alone is enough to induce vomiting. There's a chain of restaurants here in Chicago called Ann Sather's that is famous for their cinnabons. Walking past one of these places on a hot day is pure torture for me. Also, fuck frosting.

2. The Happy Birthday Song

What a lame ass way to "celebrate" one's birthday. No one likes singing that song. And even worse is having to stand there having it sung to you like a jackass. You know what my worst nightmare is? Being stuck in a TGI Friday's while that song is sung to me by a bunch of retarded waiters/waitresses sporting their best flare.

3. Republicans

This goes without saying. But really, what causes someone to turn to the dark side and shun any and all concern for the rest of humanity? Years ago, I was drunk off my ass, having just left Wrigley Field. NPR announced that Reagan had just died and I went into a hysterical fit of laughter/yelling out the car window while rolling down Addison. Fuck that AID's denying motherfucker.

4. Gin

Way back in high school I consumed a bottle of Seagram's gin with a friend of mine (Gloria, I'm looking at YOU) and promptly vomited furiously. Thank God I was already in the bathroom. To this day the mere sight of a gin and tonic makes me want to hurl. Ugh, and smell is almost as bad as cinnamon.

5. Toyota Camrys

You have to be a special kind of asshole to drive this type of car. Not only do said drivers routinely drive less than the speed limit, they are also prone to leaving their blinkers on. Also, it seems that a popular option is the ever present stuffed animal in the rear window. Don't even get me started on those that choose the "gold" package.

6. Phoenix

Full disclosure: My mother choose to move here. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because she likes complaining about the heat. If you like freeways, shitty pizza, sweating and douchebags, this town is right up your alley. It's like the 4th circle of hell. Oh, and stucco homes are lame. Ever been stuck on I-10? Exactly.


7. Menthol Cigarettes

It's no secret that I enjoy slowly killing myself with tobacco products. That being said, there was one time I so desperate for nicotine that I smoked a Newport. Gross. That was the first time I understood why people think smoking is disgusting.


8. Guy's With Veins Popping Out Of Their Arms

No matter how much I work on my "guns" I cannot make the veins pop out. Damn! "Joey" has them and he doesn't even work out. WTF? This makes me both bitter since I lack them, and happy that I can feel his at will. Perhaps I need to ingest some of that human growth hormone stuff. Then again, I like having balls.


9. Comcast

These vile fuckers have me by the balls. I lived without cable TV for about 8 months, and it sucked ass. Now that I am thoroughly entertained once again I am paying through the nose for the privilege. And my promo rate is almost expired. Yikes!

10. People That Tell Me To Quit Smoking

Smoking is bad for you? Whoa! No fucking shit! You just blew my mind! I thought these things were full of vitamins (Dennis Leary reference). Thank you for dismissing me as a human being based on my personal preferences. Fuck you very much. Try buying me some Nicorette if you're that concerned, which I am sure you are not.

14 comments:

"william" said...

looking forward to part 2

Nolan said...

Wow1 What pissed you off today? I agree with most of that list especially cinnabons and gin.

Silly Billy said...

Ok, how can you NOT like Gin and Tonics! Hmmmpppfffff.

K said...

Justy...I don't like number 10!

Curt said...

Cinnamon rules, especially hot Ann Sather's rolls and cinnamon gum. The rest I probably go along with you, except that I'm so glad they stopped smoking in the bars in IL Jan. 1.

BW said...

I fully agree with 2-5. There should be special lane for people who drive camrys so they dont annoy the hell out of the rest of us drivers. and Gin should just be banned.

Jackdaw said...

1. Cinnamon, sorry Justin, you are just wrong about that. Cinnamon IS delicious.
2. True, everyone I know hates it.
3. Scary, yes!
4. There are nice longdrink in which you don't taste the gin...
5. LOL
6. No opinion.
7. Bleh!
8. Especially the bicep vein: hot! But I do agree: shrunken balls are not so hot.
9. Ok
10. Are people really explaining you that "smoking is bad for your health"? No kidding. What kind of people are these?

Doghigh said...

Tarragon, I could understand. Kokum and amchur? Absolutely! But lovely ol' cinnamon?? Thee of cinammon toast and hot cider and Planter's Punch??? No. NO. NOOOO. How very dare you.
.
.
But jesus christ did you hit it on the head with the birthday song. Mazel tov.

Anonymous said...

I in no way remember pouring a bottle of gin down your gullet. Oh, and you really should stop smoking, you asshole. How many of those cute Chicago homos will think that it is sexy when you have to cover the hole in your throat with your finger to talk with your mechanical voicebox? Not very many. Unless they have a weird kink about that kind of shit. In that case, TITS!

Bruce said...

Ok Justin, you know I love you but come on CINNAMON...really??? I thought everyone loved cinnamon and frosting...WTF. Oh, and balls are a lot better than veins anyday.

Cockbag LLC said...

You forgot to mention crocs and bluetooth headsets too. Both make me cringe.

Fancy Pants said...

Ok so gin drinking is a fine art . . . I think if you smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Reds in 2 hours at age 12, you'd probably puke your guts out. I'll buy you a gin and tonic sometime or, even better, a Hendricks Gin on the rocks, yeah baby.

Cinnabonathonamajigs SUCK ass. As does Phoenix.

I'm gonna have to make my own Top Ten now. Starting with moose-hunting VP candidates . . .

borg_queen said...

Yeah. Republicans are retarded.

B said...

I'm with K...I wish you would quit smoking for your own well being, but I would never dismiss you as a person because you do. Love ya, man!