THINGS THAT SCARE ME/MY VARIOUS ARCH NEMESIS' PART 1

1. Cinnamon

I blame the British for unleashing this scourge upon the world. Not only does it taste like shit, the smell alone is enough to induce vomiting. There's a chain of restaurants here in Chicago called Ann Sather's that is famous for their cinnabons. Walking past one of these places on a hot day is pure torture for me. Also, fuck frosting.

2. The Happy Birthday Song

What a lame ass way to "celebrate" one's birthday. No one likes singing that song. And even worse is having to stand there having it sung to you like a jackass. You know what my worst nightmare is? Being stuck in a TGI Friday's while that song is sung to me by a bunch of retarded waiters/waitresses sporting their best flare.

3. Republicans

This goes without saying. But really, what causes someone to turn to the dark side and shun any and all concern for the rest of humanity? Years ago, I was drunk off my ass, having just left Wrigley Field. NPR announced that Reagan had just died and I went into a hysterical fit of laughter/yelling out the car window while rolling down Addison. Fuck that AID's denying motherfucker.

4. Gin

Way back in high school I consumed a bottle of Seagram's gin with a friend of mine (Gloria, I'm looking at YOU) and promptly vomited furiously. Thank God I was already in the bathroom. To this day the mere sight of a gin and tonic makes me want to hurl. Ugh, and smell is almost as bad as cinnamon.

5. Toyota Camrys

You have to be a special kind of asshole to drive this type of car. Not only do said drivers routinely drive less than the speed limit, they are also prone to leaving their blinkers on. Also, it seems that a popular option is the ever present stuffed animal in the rear window. Don't even get me started on those that choose the "gold" package.

6. Phoenix

Full disclosure: My mother choose to move here. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because she likes complaining about the heat. If you like freeways, shitty pizza, sweating and douchebags, this town is right up your alley. It's like the 4th circle of hell. Oh, and stucco homes are lame. Ever been stuck on I-10? Exactly.

7. Menthol Cigarettes

It's no secret that I enjoy slowly killing myself with tobacco products. That being said, there was one time I so desperate for nicotine that I smoked a Newport. Gross. That was the first time I understood why people think smoking is disgusting.

8. Guy's With Veins Popping Out Of Their Arms

No matter how much I work on my "guns" I cannot make the veins pop out. Damn! "Joey" has them and he doesn't even work out. WTF? This makes me both bitter since I lack them, and happy that I can feel his at will. Perhaps I need to ingest some of that human growth hormone stuff. Then again, I like having balls.

9. Comcast

These vile fuckers have me by the balls. I lived without cable TV for about 8 months, and it sucked ass. Now that I am thoroughly entertained once again I am paying through the nose for the privilege. And my promo rate is almost expired. Yikes!

10. People That Tell Me To Quit Smoking

Smoking is bad for you? Whoa! No fucking shit! You just blew my mind! I thought these things were full of vitamins (Dennis Leary reference). Thank you for dismissing me as a human being based on my personal preferences. Fuck you very much. Try buying me some Nicorette if you're that concerned, which I am sure you are not.