Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A MESSAGE FROM MY CUBS HAT

[Rather than me blabbering on and on about how awesome the Cubs are, I decided to turn things over to my Cubs hat]

Oh Holy Christ, he bought a 12 pack of Old Style. What a lame stereotype Justin has become. Before I know it he'll be...oh FUCK, he bought peanuts too. He's almost too predictable. Thankfully his Roomie is present so he won't be masturbating every time Ryan Theriot comes up to the plate. Then again, if he drinks all 12 of those disgusting beers me may just whip out his dick and wave it at the TV (I've been witness to this before).

All day he keeps fantasizing about Ron Santo raping Joe Torre with one of his prosthetic legs. And that's the least of the fucked up shit running through his head. If the Cubs don't win tonight, I fear he may OD on Evan Williams whiskey and Camel Lights. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Then again, I could end on the head of some other lame asshole on the North Side who happens to wear a size 7 1/8 hat. That would be TRAGIC.

Still, I hope the Cubs kick the living shit out of the Dodgers tonight. At the least, that would save me from being turned into a Rally Cap. That shit really hurts. Also, if they prove victorious the dumb asshole will probably pass out early and leave me the hell alone. Of course, if they win tonight, and the series against the Dodgers, and whoever they play next, he'll never leave me alone. He'll wear me all the time and, gulp, consider me a symbol of good luck.

Damn, I'm fucked either way.

9 comments:

ex-roomie said...

Poor hat.

my team is not in the playoffs (jeremy in the D) said...

poor justin. dempster looked terrible tonight. loupa should have started z in the first game. still plenty of games left. no suicide watch, please.

dailybriefing said...

not a good start

joe said...

Although I don't personally believe in curses, just keep in mind that the Red Sux were down 0-3 in a 7 game series against the Evil Empire and came back with 4 straight. To break a "curse," it has to have some element of "oh fuck, here we go again..." and then BAM, 3 wins later then you're onto the next round.

No worries.

Silly Billy said...

Hopefully you didn't od.

Cooper said...

Is your hat still talking after 2 losses at home?

For the record, I've been rooting for the Cubs in the post season (since my team develops an annual malaise every September).

Why do all my teams implode?

james said...

i have this image of friday morning, justin on the floor of his swingin' bachelor pad,head resting on his "Sweet Lou" t-shirt, with the inside out rally cap on, halfway off his head, in the fetal position, about 10 emptied beer cans about the floor, a half-empty bottle of jack in his hands, occassioinally he mutters something like "brrrruhhhh..urrrp." or "sugginfuggin soriammano, fuggerrrr.." hiccups, then snores, as the new roomie steps over him.

not that i have any reason to gloat; my sox seem headed down the same road. here's to um, hockey season?

MEETING NEIL IS EASY said...

Might want to consider burning that hat before Saturday and starting fresh.

dailybriefing said...

there's always the bears and blackhawks.