Thursday, May 22, 2008


It used to be that my office would celebrate each employees birthday, on their specific birthday (or if it fell on a weekend or holiday a day before or after). At some point last year the discretionary "cake" budget was sliced in half and now we celebrate birthday's once a month.

I use the term "we" loosely as this is as close that mix socially with my co-workers, and I usually have to be coaxed (i.e. guilted) into joining my co-workers in a less-than-rousing rendition of the dreaded Happy Birthday Song, which due to the multi-birthday person "celebration" sounds like:

"...happy birthday JoanSusanToddKimBobbySkip....happybirfthtaaaaaydoooooyooouuu....".

(Usually there are not as many Indians, but that was the closest cheesy picture I could find)

When the candles are blown out I cut loose and usually go have a smoke, but last week I got a call when I went back to my desk. The caller had the wrong number, but this creepy guy from IT stopped by my desk, Styrofoam plate with store bought cake in hand and said "so, you don't eat cake?".

Me: "No, I don't like cake" (which is true, I think it's gross).
IT Guy: (chewing cake) "......oh......"
Me: (shuffling papers to convey a sense of a heavy workload) "Well, uh, then...."
IT Guy: "...........(chewing more cake).............."
Me: (visibly irritated): "....if you'll excuse me, I have to make a call".
IT Guy: (speaking with mouth full of cake): 'Okahlaterthen".

After that unfortunate incident it was all I could do to get to the door to the stairs in time, Camel Light firmly in hand. Really, the farther the distance between my co-workers and I, the better things will be for everybody.

Sure, I'll nod and say "Good Morning!" or talk about the Cubs, but beyond that, let's keep the chit-chat to a minimum people. Especially when your mouth is full.


Only Mark said...

"the discretionary "cake" budget was sliced in half"

Haha, it makes me laugh that this budget existed to begin with. At one of my previous places of employment, we too had cake to celebrate each employee's birthday...but we were responsible for bringing the cake. We exchanged names at some point and you had to bring the cake of choice for the person who's name you had on their birthday. Our Exec. Director so graciously allowed us 20 minutes or so to celebrate. It was particularly exciting because on cake days we could usually even gather enough support to brew a pot of coffee in the afternoon (we normally weren't allowed to after 3 pm - Seriously!)

Anyway, When I opened my June issue of Motor Trend a few weeks ago, I noticed that the Camaro topped the list of "Gotta Have" cars for 2009. I definitely thought of you, haha.

Cockbag LLC said...

Hopefully you have seen the cake/office episode of Seinfeld, it basically reflects everything you just said. I work with an office full of middle age women and they find every excuse to eat/celebrate/not work.

Sartre in the D said...

god, you really are a misanthropic asshole. keep up the good work. "There is no need for torture: hell is other people."