Tuesday, March 18, 2008


For whatever reason I find myself incapable of completing a blog post of any true substance, so I thought I'd take a moment on reflect on some shit I like and some shit I don't right now...

1. Home Alone

Not the movie, but living alone. While I was in Denver, Roomie left to embark on another archeology adventure, so for the past week, this week, and the next one I can walk around naked, leave empty beers cans where I please and blare RAWK in the morning while I get ready for work. It's pretty fucking awesome.

2. Masturbation

This might go hand in hand with #1 (pun intended) but on Sunday afternoon, I took a break from being lazy and got busy with my Right Hand Man. Not sure what happened, but I managed to give myself an EPIC orgasm. To paraphrase a line from "Fight Club", "I haven't fucked myself like that since High School".

3. Edgewater Produce

I loathe the Dominick's near me (for you non-Chicagoans, that's our version of Safeway, and it blows). It's expensive, the produce is awful and the shelves are frequently empty. So, on Sunday I went to a little neighborhood place called Edgewater Produce. I got 3 huge, tasty tomatoes, 2 onions that made me cry, 1 pound of turkey breast, 1/2 pound of cheese, 2 cucumbers, a head of lettuce bigger than mine, a loaf of wheat bread, 20 fresh tortillas and a bag of taco cheese. For $17 and change. Fucking TITS!

4. Top Gear

This is one of the most popular shows in the world, though largely unknown in the States. Basically, it's a weekly, hour long program produced by the BBC, and it's all about cars. I just watched an episode where the 3 presenters flew to Miami with a challenge to buy 3 cars, for $1000 each. They then drive their jalopies to New Orleans and get fucked with Red Necks in the Florida Panhandle. Needless to say, it's amusing. Also, I have a crush on Richard Hammond.

5. A Clean Ride

The weather was so awful in January and February I neglected to get my bitch washed. It got so bad on the inside that said "fuck it" and started smoking in it. But leaving work last Thursday, the weather was nice and I couldn't take the mess anymore, and I stopped by a hand wash place. For $10, a team of guys scrubbed both the exterior and interior. It looks like new and no longer smells like smoke.

Now, some shit I don't like...

1. The Litter Box

Seeing as Roomie is not around to clean the Cat's Shit Box, this glamorous task is now mine. A long time ago I had 2 cats, but Roomie's 2 cats produce an astounding amount of piss and shit. I think they produce more "waste" than I do, and my shit don't stink like their's does. Just tonight I cleaned out the Shit Box, and recoiled in horror when I took the lid off the damn thing. Gross, disgusting, obscene...

2. Car Payment(s)

When I checked my bank account the other day, it seemed I had too much money in there. When I got my monthly statement from my lessor, I realized why; the payment I scheduled last month never went through, thus I had to make a double payment. Rather than having an excess of funds, I have quite the opposite now. This fucking sucks.

3. Bro's New GF

Until about a month ago my older Brother was dating an awesome girl, but for whatever reason, their relationship ended after 2+ years. On Sunday I was introduced to the reason why, and her fucking name is fucking "Heather". Ugh. She wears bright red lipstick, dresses like a Skater Boy, and from my limited exposure, she sucks at life. I love my Brother, but sometimes it amazes me we're from the same gene pool.

4. Sleep

It seems the more I get the more tired I am. Last night I turned out the lights around 11:30 (anything before Midnight is early for me) and despite the 8+ hours of deep sleep I got, I woke up exhausted. What the shit is that? Not cool. I could chalk it up to the shitty weather today, but really, that shouldn't matter. Tonight, I intend to stay up until at least 1AM and see if that helps.

5. Dealer's

Who do I have to blow in this city to get a bag of weed? Not like I'm jonesin' but it would be nice to be able to get high, bump some Jay-Z while making dinner and retire to my Front Room and watch some of the Netflix DVD's that have piled up. I suppose I can do this sober, but really, getting high in the comfort of your own home and watching some shit on the tube is pretty fucking great after a long day of work. Call me back shady dude!

Well, there you go...a brief insight into my life as of now. On the balance, I'm pretty happy with things, but that doesn't mean I can't bitch once in awhile too. After all, I am a white American male, and as such, prone to complain over stupid shit.


jere to the bizear said...

you make me laugh. that is all.

Only Mark said...

right behind you on the Top Gear...I LOVE that show! And that episode you mentioned from last season where they drove across the south...HILARIOUS!!

Roomie said...

Get ready for me to come home this weekend. Sorry to request that you wear pants. But don't worry, I'm leaving for another week after that, so you'll be hanging free (with cat crap duty) once again.

Thanks Dahling!

borg_queen said...

Ah, yes. Richard "I'm A Driving God" Hammond. It's nice that he has fully recovered from that awful accident.

Moving on. You, of the Rob Thomas resemble, are the funniest blogger ever. You, Sir, deserve a blowjob from moi! ahahaha! (It's a privilege. Trust me.)

Silly Billy said...

Just what exactly did you do to make #2 so much special. Did it invlove roomies huge dildo?

roomie said...

Hey! Watch it there buddy!

jason said...

number 4 is intriguing.
(not as much as number 2...but then few things are)

Pete said...

I love Top Gear! You should watch the new season: taking a car across the Channel, and their capers in Botswana.

I think there's a hug Hamster Crush Society tho... join the queue ;-)

Bruce said...

I love Top Gear on BBC America!! Did you see the ep where the guy that drives really slow (can't remember his name) drove the Bugetti (sp) to top speed, I think he peed his pants. And bitch, we'll fight over Richard!

JUSTIN said...

@Jere: Glad I could make you burn a few calories!

@Mark: I so want that piece of shit white Dodge Ram! 4 on the floor yo!

@Roomie: For the love of God please put a tie on the doorknob before I get home tonight.

@Borg: Rob Thomas? I'll take that as a compliment...

@Billy: Nice try, but his name is TJ and you can find my imaginary BF on Corbin Fisher.

@Roomie: Thanks Babe - but I got my own back.

@Jason: Your comment intrigues me...

@Pete: I saw the Botswana episode - it's the shit!

@Bruce: Only saw 20 minutes of that episode while doing cardio at the gym. I need to see the whole thing.

Wow - I'm impressed guys; didn't know you all like Top Gear so much!

Only Mark said...

There was a small part of inner redneck in me that was drawn toward Jeremy's old school Camaro. I think we can all agree that the old Cadallic deserved to die on the street corner in New Orleans.

Speedy said...

Masturbation - rules. Bro's new GF -- sorry, but she sounds exactly like what one might need after a 2-year + relationship (ie, sex.) Dealer -- send him my way, please? Thanx.

Anonymous said...

I can see exactly how you and your brother are from the same gene pool! Why you cannot is a question worth pondering...

Toxoplasmosis is just one reason not to be on cat shit box duty. The underlying parasite is hosted in the GI tract of cats, and can be transmitted via hand to mouth after coming in contact with cat feces.

It is the world’s most common parasitic infection, about 50% of the world’s population is infected, and about 25% of the US population. You can be infected without knowing about it. If you have lived with cats for a period of time there is little doubt that you have been exposed to the parasite. If you become HIV+ and thus immunocomprimised the parasite likes to infect the brain. Also, tell the roommate that if she becomes pregnant handling litter boxes is strictly prohibited because the parasite will cross the placenta and invade the fetal brain.

The solution is to kill the cats, but be cautious about eating them because undercooked meat is another route of transmission.

roomie said...

Hmm. In response: Toxoplasmosis is really only a problem with outdoor cats (these aren't, they're the sad indoor type). And if 25% of unitedstatesians and 50% of the world have the parasite, it ain't that big a deal. People get parasites. I bet every one of us has had several. As for pregnant women, you really shouldn't mess with the litter box for outdoor cats, but house cats' crap is ok (mmm. lovely. but hopefully baby daddy cleans it for you anyways, just to be nice).

Solution? Don't eat poop, wash hands, keep cats indoors, don't get pregnant. Don't eat any poorly cooked meat or untreated water, either, cuz toxoplasmosis is bourne there, too. And look both ways before you cross the street, lest ye get hit by a truck.