Monday, February 4, 2008

WANTED: ACCOUNT MANAGER

Reply to: justinchicago@gmail.com
Date: 2008-02-04, 7:45PM CST


Chicago-based Data Marketing Whores, Ltd. is seeking a mid-level professional to act as a full-time Account Manager/Cubicle Bitch.

Responsibilities:
- Partner with Sales Team to eat their shit on a semi-daily basis
- Ensure that regular contact with client is conducted proficiently & attempt to avoid being yelled at
- Have your authority questioned and undermined whenever your coworkers are stressed out
- Keep uncreative product on strategy, and see to it that marketing objectives are not addressed
- Pretend that creative briefs are properly executed, when in fact they are not
- Responsible for the development and adherence of the brand’s poorly crafted strategic platform
- Recommend improvements to client strategy as needed only to see them ignored and perhaps even mocked
- Work with Pre-menopausal woman who attempt to undermine your credability to foster account’s growth
- Act as a member of Agency’s Management Team by listening to conversations about shoes, who is not doing their job and last night's episode of American Idol

Requirements:
- Bachelors Degree in Advertising, Prostitution, Marketing, or not following your dreams preferred
- Minimum 2-3 years of taking it up the ass
- Not minding your boss sending out political incorrect and/or racially insensitive e-mail forwards
- Strong presentation, blame shifting, and project mis-management skills
- Departmental experience in malfeasance
- Impeccable backstabbing skills
- Ability to close your internet browser window when you hear the sound of your boss' trademark cough/sneeze drawing near
- Clear knowledge and experience of office politics
- Capability to work with no supervision and little training, but a plethora of nit-picking
- Ability to successfully multi-task a dozen balls in the air at once, only to have yet another one thrown at you
- Proven track record of allowing others to take credit for your hard work

We offer:
- Competitive salary (paid on the last business day of every month)
- Benefits, including health, dental, unnecessary stress, life and disability insurance, little to no chance of advancement and Simple IRA plan (with a 3 year vesting "cliff")
- Opportunity to work in a creative, dynamic, and fun environment reminiscent of Nazi Germany, circa 1942

To apply:
Please e-mail resume to email listed above.

5 comments:

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Hilarious!!

(I mean in a sort of pathetic kind of way.)

(Sorry. Should I be laughing?)

Bruce said...

You sure that job is in advertising and not banking? Oh yeah, for the banking position you'd have to add BORING AS ALL HELL!!!

Pete said...

Uhhhm... I need you to come in on saaaatuuuuurday, and on suuuuuuuuunday...

Nate said...

oh my that was one good advertise,I know bunch of guys suitable for it but you require so many things!

dan said...

oh man, you always have the best posts. hang in there bud, you will hit those dreams soon.
later.