INT: 6 FEET BELOW MONTROSE AVE ON THE NORTH SIDE OF CHICAGO
OLD ASS PIPE: Aw, goodgoddamn, look at me! I'm all washed up and shit. Been carrying water for these people for the better part of 100 years. Don't I deserve a break? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Hate January, 'specially dis one, is all cold and shit then warm and shit then colder than Martha Stewart serving ice tea on a Tuesday, I be contracting and expanding like a mothafuckah! For realz! But an ol' man get no break in this town. Nuh-uh! No sir....they been workin' me 24/7/365 since that Teddy Roosevelt fool hold office. My back be achin', my bones be weary, my, my...my God! What is that noise!?!
BURBLEBURBLEBURBLEBURBLE....GLUGGLUGGLUG
OLD ASS PIPE: Aw, hell no! SHIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!
BURBLEBURBLEBURBLEBURBLE....GLUGGLUGGLUG
OLD ASS PIPE: Aw, hell no! SHIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!
OLD ASS PIPE: Looks like I got that "break" I been lookin' for...FHAAAUUUUCKMEEEEE...look at what I done did! Made a damn fine mess of MYself!
OLD ASS PIPE: 'Ey, you there, stop staring my by broke ass! Ain't you got a backhoe or some shit! "Dis embarassing yo! Fix this shit. [thinks for a moment] Shiiiiit, that right, you a UNION boy! UGH! Fuck this shit - git someone else to carry yo water. I'm out like a, um, like a, turn-of-the-century cast iron pipe or some shit...CODA: I am really glad I don't live in Ravenswood proper. What a mess!
10 comments:
Montrose Blvd. is totally the gay area of Houston... Just, you know, in case you ever visit.
Nothing Golden Stays
You are the undisputed anthropomorphism king of the blogosphere.
L M A O
You is Crazy.
I wish I was that drunk last night...
Next blog: the cats talking to you about turn of the century pipes in Chicago.
@JR: Thanks for the heads up!
@Jeremy: I find solace in inanimate objects.
@Eliot: Glad I could make you smile!
@Cherry: You is right.
@FitnessNerd: Actually I wrote this before I went out drinking. True story.
@Roomie: The cats should start their own blog...oh that's right, they lack thumbs!
good stuff bud!
there are so many masturbatory jokes I could make about pipes right now...
Justin!
Oh my God, this has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a really long time!
I remember hearing about the pipe bursting when it originally happened but who knew it had such a story behind it! LOL
But why does that underground pipe sound like an old, curmudgeonly black man? Poor thing!
Regardless, this post was hilarious!!
-Dean
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