Wednesday, January 23, 2008

IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIPE

INT: 6 FEET BELOW MONTROSE AVE ON THE NORTH SIDE OF CHICAGO


OLD ASS PIPE: Aw, goodgoddamn, look at me! I'm all washed up and shit. Been carrying water for these people for the better part of 100 years. Don't I deserve a break? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Hate January, 'specially dis one, is all cold and shit then warm and shit then colder than Martha Stewart serving ice tea on a Tuesday, I be contracting and expanding like a mothafuckah! For realz! But an ol' man get no break in this town. Nuh-uh! No sir....they been workin' me 24/7/365 since that Teddy Roosevelt fool hold office. My back be achin', my bones be weary, my, my...my God! What is that noise!?!

BURBLEBURBLEBURBLEBURBLE....GLUGGLUGGLUG

OLD ASS PIPE: Aw, hell no! SHIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!

OLD ASS PIPE: Looks like I got that "break" I been lookin' for...FHAAAUUUUCKMEEEEE...look at what I done did! Made a damn fine mess of MYself!

OLD ASS PIPE: 'Ey, you there, stop staring my by broke ass! Ain't you got a backhoe or some shit! "Dis embarassing yo! Fix this shit. [thinks for a moment] Shiiiiit, that right, you a UNION boy! UGH! Fuck this shit - git someone else to carry yo water. I'm out like a, um, like a, turn-of-the-century cast iron pipe or some shit...

CODA: I am really glad I don't live in Ravenswood proper. What a mess!

10 comments:

J.R. said...

Montrose Blvd. is totally the gay area of Houston... Just, you know, in case you ever visit.

Nothing Golden Stays

jeremy said...

You are the undisputed anthropomorphism king of the blogosphere.

eliot said...

L M A O

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You is Crazy.

FitnessNerd said...

I wish I was that drunk last night...

roomie said...

Next blog: the cats talking to you about turn of the century pipes in Chicago.

JUSTIN said...

@JR: Thanks for the heads up!

@Jeremy: I find solace in inanimate objects.

@Eliot: Glad I could make you smile!

@Cherry: You is right.

@FitnessNerd: Actually I wrote this before I went out drinking. True story.

@Roomie: The cats should start their own blog...oh that's right, they lack thumbs!

tally33 said...

good stuff bud!

JP Mac said...

there are so many masturbatory jokes I could make about pipes right now...

Dean Grey said...

Justin!

Oh my God, this has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a really long time!

I remember hearing about the pipe bursting when it originally happened but who knew it had such a story behind it! LOL

But why does that underground pipe sound like an old, curmudgeonly black man? Poor thing!

Regardless, this post was hilarious!!

-Dean