Tuesday, January 29, 2008


SUBJECT: Hey Fat Ass - Buy Me a Fucking Camaro!

Hey Santa,

I fully realize you just made your rounds and all that; however, I figured I would be proactive and try to level with you. So here's the deal...if I promise to say "fuck" once every 10 minutes instead of every 5 AND only masturbate with my left hand...can I have a new Camaro?

I'll even volunteer at a soup kitchen if that's what it takes. And recycle. Oh...and plant some trees, and, um, how else can I offset my potential carbon footprint? Fuck it, I'll fill the bitch with E85 until that shit runs out.

Soooo, Santa, let's talk how you're going to trick out "Gloria"...

First, the paint job. Matte black with silver skunk stripes. Non of that glossy stuff. Flat. Black. Paint. With the aforementioned stripes on the hood and trunk only...

A tight ride needs hot skates...so, since I like those rims let's keep 'em, but can you put 19's on the front and 20's on the back? Yes? Word! You better be writing this down...

Those tiny mirrors have got to go. I'd never be able to parallel park with those Chiclet's. I'm all for bringing the sexy back, but come on, we got to be practical!

Ohhh, my favorite design feature, frame-less doors sans B-pillars. So hot on a hot summer night. Also, great for throwing garbage cans at mailboxes...

Ahh, the lovely interior that I plan on destroying with cigarettes, cheap cans of beer and sex with strangers. Santa, if you really love me you'll install both a broken 8-track that only plays Lynard Skinner and an MP3 line for my Nano.

Oh, one more thing...8-ball knob on the shifter? Word!

Promise to do my best (worse) but let's let the carrot lead the, uh...horse.

Love ya Santa,

Justin (let's do this!)

PS - The first 2 pics were taken by yours truly at the 2008 North American Auto Show.


samuel said...

I will so help you destroy the interior and take back almost everything I've ever said about Camaros.

jeremy said...

lynard skinner? god, you're gay! you need to work on your redneck street cred. it's lynyrd skynyrd.

the pictures came out great. i forgot how cool the camaro setup was. i can see it now. . .you and candace cruising around the D in your new toy, hair (ok, hers) blowing in the wind.

Devyn said...

That center console would definitely get annoying during blowjobs. Otherwise, it is quite lovely.

Steven said...

They're (supposedly) being built in my hometown.

Can't wait to see all the Guidos riding around in them. Ugh.

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

Wait. Isn't this the car from Transformers?

Normally I hate Camaros, but this one's kind of hot.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'm sure that referring to him as "fat ass" is really going to incent Santa to get you one.

But good luck!

J.R. said...

The only time you ever write me anymore is when you want something. I hope for the day when you'll love me like you used to, but I can't wait for it any longer. The Camaro will be in your driveway Christmas morning... please don't contact me again after that—it hurts too much.

— Santa

JUSTIN said...

@Samuel: I think I got this covered but I may need someone to hold the camcorder.

@Devyn: I can work around that...

@Steven: Naw, I think the Guido set is happy driving their Hummers and Escalades.

@Frontier Psychiatrist: It should have been Will Smith's ride from "I am Legend".

@Cherry: Santa and T go way back. I make fun of his weight he makes fun of my homosexuality. We are, how they say "simpactico".

@JR: There, there, Santa Baby, have some Bon-Bons.

Soul Seared Dreamer said...

Damn Jus you don't ask for much.

That yellow one looks just like the car from Transformers.

Anonymous said...

You were in Detroit and I missed the opportunity to make you fall in love with me!


Closeted said...

Make that two Santa, I want one too...haha.