Christmas. That magical time of year when people lavishly decorate their homes, compulsively shop for loved ones and are slowly driven mad by an incessant loop of Christmas music. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the holidays and all shit.
However, there are certain things about them that I do not enjoy. One unfortunate tradition (does two years running a tradition make?) is practiced by one of my co-workers, which is when Christmas rolls around, she employs these horrific devices:
See those little bells on there? Every time she writes a word, walks around the office, or angrily gesticulates when provoked, those little bells rattle around and make the most obnoxious sound I have perhaps ever heard, save Karl Rove's voice.
The sound itself isn't that offensive, but hour after hour of repetitive jingling is slowly driving me to the brink of insanity, or at the least extreme annoyance. I think the Chinese call this Ling chi (thanks Wikipedia).
Allow me to provide some background...Ms. Spiegel (who I have named because she is a 4-D human catalog of that brand, circa 1991...PS lady, have you not read the memo that shouldier pads are no longer in style?) gets Super-Duper Excited About Holidays!
If there was a way to verify my notion that she recently replaced the towels in her bathroom at home with those more befitting a Christmas mood, I would bet on it. I also have a sneaking suspicion that she wears Christmas socks on days other than Jesus' birthday.
Just today, the incessant jingling of bells so got to me, that I was inclined to seek guidance from Billy to troubleshoot this problem (he of greater Office Space wisdom than I). He suggested I wait until lunchtime to strike and throw the pens in the garbage (presumably not using her trashcan).
Honestly, I was tempted. I even walked over to her desk and leveled a cold, icy stare at my nemesis' writing utensils,. Alas, others were near and I could not complete this covert action, which I secretly deemed "Operation: Stop Making My Fucking Ears Bleed".
Although compelled to complete my task, Reason got the best of me (damn you Reason!) and I concluded that, had I disposed of said pens, I would have then had to endure her bitching and moaning for the balance of the afternoon.
Although she may seem like a quaint, Midwestern mother of 2 with bad hair, at work she ruthlessly dismisses clients after slamming down the phone, shouting either "MOTHERFUCKER" or "COCKSUCKER!" in the process. Not sure I want to be on the business end of that shit...
So I remained at my desk and allowed my teeth to grind, my eyes to wince and my fists to tighten while the tiny bells danced on her pen mocked me.
At one point I briefly imagined a scenario in which I marched over to Ms. Spiegel's desk, grabbed both pens (one green, one red - naturally) and drove them into my ear drums. Again, Reason showed up and instead I gained a modicum of relief by exiting my workspace and smoking a Camel.
There must be a better way to make a buck than this...
However, there are certain things about them that I do not enjoy. One unfortunate tradition (does two years running a tradition make?) is practiced by one of my co-workers, which is when Christmas rolls around, she employs these horrific devices:
See those little bells on there? Every time she writes a word, walks around the office, or angrily gesticulates when provoked, those little bells rattle around and make the most obnoxious sound I have perhaps ever heard, save Karl Rove's voice.
The sound itself isn't that offensive, but hour after hour of repetitive jingling is slowly driving me to the brink of insanity, or at the least extreme annoyance. I think the Chinese call this Ling chi (thanks Wikipedia).
Allow me to provide some background...Ms. Spiegel (who I have named because she is a 4-D human catalog of that brand, circa 1991...PS lady, have you not read the memo that shouldier pads are no longer in style?) gets Super-Duper Excited About Holidays!
If there was a way to verify my notion that she recently replaced the towels in her bathroom at home with those more befitting a Christmas mood, I would bet on it. I also have a sneaking suspicion that she wears Christmas socks on days other than Jesus' birthday.
Just today, the incessant jingling of bells so got to me, that I was inclined to seek guidance from Billy to troubleshoot this problem (he of greater Office Space wisdom than I). He suggested I wait until lunchtime to strike and throw the pens in the garbage (presumably not using her trashcan).
Honestly, I was tempted. I even walked over to her desk and leveled a cold, icy stare at my nemesis' writing utensils,. Alas, others were near and I could not complete this covert action, which I secretly deemed "Operation: Stop Making My Fucking Ears Bleed".
Although compelled to complete my task, Reason got the best of me (damn you Reason!) and I concluded that, had I disposed of said pens, I would have then had to endure her bitching and moaning for the balance of the afternoon.
Although she may seem like a quaint, Midwestern mother of 2 with bad hair, at work she ruthlessly dismisses clients after slamming down the phone, shouting either "MOTHERFUCKER" or "COCKSUCKER!" in the process. Not sure I want to be on the business end of that shit...
So I remained at my desk and allowed my teeth to grind, my eyes to wince and my fists to tighten while the tiny bells danced on her pen mocked me.
At one point I briefly imagined a scenario in which I marched over to Ms. Spiegel's desk, grabbed both pens (one green, one red - naturally) and drove them into my ear drums. Again, Reason showed up and instead I gained a modicum of relief by exiting my workspace and smoking a Camel.
There must be a better way to make a buck than this...
8 comments:
Okay... my suggestion is that you request a private meeting with your supervisor and inform him/her of this situation stressing the point that this incessant sound is creating a distraction making it difficult for you to concentrate and perform your duties. This is a form of office harassment, believe it or not. It is one person imposing themselves inappropriately upon others in the office causing them to feel uncomfortable.
As innocent as her intentions are, they are distracting you from the sole purpose of being at the office, to work. I am not sure how your office management is structured but it would be the responsibility of your manager to discuss this issue then with either Ms. Spiegel in private, or discuss this situation with Ms. Spiegel's manager, who would in turn discuss this matter with Ms. Spiegel privately. Your identity should not be revealed to her by your manager but I am SURE you are not alone in your discomfort.
Good luck to you and I enjoy reading your blog.
You should tell her: "I'm not gay either, but here's my phone number."
Hmm... seemed like good advice when you gave it to me.
Nothing Golden Stays
Fight fire with FIRE tiger! Seriously, you need to throw one of those ribbons studded with sleigh bells across your shoulder like a gun clip and walk through the office with a red and green sweatshirt with "Merry Christmas" in yellow macrame, lights blinking, and "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" playing non-stop from one of those musical Christmas Cards, and give the card to her, "Merry Fucking Christmas lady -- this year I got ya beat!" written inside with red and green glitter pens.
Or you could keep your job.
i must be tired. when i first read the title of your post i thought it said death by a thousand cunts.
-eliot
dailybriefing.wordpress.com
That would drive me crazy, those little bells.
Like Eliot, I also saw cunts. No offense, but that would have been a more interesting story ;-). I am surprised you didn't stick the pens in her ears instead of thinking about sticking them in yours.
I hear you loud and clear. This year the office decided to utilize my "picture window" viewing into the reception area as the place for everyone's stockings. Along with self-clinging snowflakes. ACK!
See JR's answer as to why I love him so much...can you say smartass!! Seriously, here's what you need to do. Go buy identical pens, take them home and take out the balls inside the bells that make them jingle. Then replace the "fixed" ones with Ms. Spiegel's. Problem solved and no one's the wiser as to who the culprit is. BTW, have a great time in NYC!!
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