It's apparent I had much fun meeting/hanging out with my blogger friends when in NYC, but the real reason I was there was to hang with my Father, and his "friend/partner". I'll be honest, I'm on board, and so very happy for him, but at the same time it's kinda weird...
It reminds me of when my Mom was dating after she split with my Father, and she was actively dating, and I was introduced to her "dates". Of course, my Father's "friend/partner" (eventually I will get over the slight unease I feel about the situation, but that will take some time...fuck, am I being a hypocrite?) is not some random guy, but rather the man that he is now living with.
I thought my Father and I would hang out more than we did when I went to visit him, but our time spent together was confined to 3 dinners, 2 of which were shared with the "friend/partner". Don't get me wrong, I like this guy a lot, same as I like my Mom's current husband. But a few dinners does not equate to a real relationship between said parties.
Fuck, I bonded with my Stepfather over a bottle of tequila on the 4th of July in 2003, and I have yet to have that "alone time" with this guy that my Father is living with. And it's not that I don't think he is a quality person, and he need not get hammered with me to prove as much. But we have yet to achieve that comfort level that I would like to have...
To you people out there that have parents that are happily married, God Bless You. I will refrain from saying you have it easy (even those marriages that are intact are anything but simple), but this shit is fucking tough and kinda confusing.
I wanted to clear the air with my Father, but when I was about to broach the subject, I felt it wasn't my place, or that I would make him feel uncomfortable. I really don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt what their status is. And it was sorta weird when he asked me during dinner how I spent Friday night in NYC.
Although I told him I spent the night with friends in Chelsea, staying out until 5AM or so, which didn't cause him to bat an eye...but even that minor admission was a lot for me to say, and I can only imagine how he felt about me running from one gay bar to the next.
Bottom line, my father told me how his life has greatly improved since moving out there. His anxiety issues seem to have been resolved, and he claims to be sleeping very well. Both are good signs. Upon seeing him last Friday Night for dinner at Spark's, he looked good, as if he has indeed got much needed rest and maybe even lost some excess weight.
And the interaction between him and "friend/partner" was typical "cutesy"; they playfully argued about which street MOMA resides on, going so far as to bet money on whether it's on 53rd or 70th street (my Father won that battle) while I sat and sipped Kettle One and ate a steak the size of my head.
I am happy that he (and they) are happy living together...it just kinda shakes my brain like a paint can that he got there before I have, but maybe it's only fair. He waited much longer than I did. Now I am in the odd predicament of wanting the relationship that my Father has...if Freud was alive he would have a field day with this situation.
And here I am left alone to figure it out on my own.
Did I mention my Mother is sleeping in my bed as I type this?
It reminds me of when my Mom was dating after she split with my Father, and she was actively dating, and I was introduced to her "dates". Of course, my Father's "friend/partner" (eventually I will get over the slight unease I feel about the situation, but that will take some time...fuck, am I being a hypocrite?) is not some random guy, but rather the man that he is now living with.
I thought my Father and I would hang out more than we did when I went to visit him, but our time spent together was confined to 3 dinners, 2 of which were shared with the "friend/partner". Don't get me wrong, I like this guy a lot, same as I like my Mom's current husband. But a few dinners does not equate to a real relationship between said parties.
Fuck, I bonded with my Stepfather over a bottle of tequila on the 4th of July in 2003, and I have yet to have that "alone time" with this guy that my Father is living with. And it's not that I don't think he is a quality person, and he need not get hammered with me to prove as much. But we have yet to achieve that comfort level that I would like to have...
To you people out there that have parents that are happily married, God Bless You. I will refrain from saying you have it easy (even those marriages that are intact are anything but simple), but this shit is fucking tough and kinda confusing.
I wanted to clear the air with my Father, but when I was about to broach the subject, I felt it wasn't my place, or that I would make him feel uncomfortable. I really don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt what their status is. And it was sorta weird when he asked me during dinner how I spent Friday night in NYC.
Although I told him I spent the night with friends in Chelsea, staying out until 5AM or so, which didn't cause him to bat an eye...but even that minor admission was a lot for me to say, and I can only imagine how he felt about me running from one gay bar to the next.
Bottom line, my father told me how his life has greatly improved since moving out there. His anxiety issues seem to have been resolved, and he claims to be sleeping very well. Both are good signs. Upon seeing him last Friday Night for dinner at Spark's, he looked good, as if he has indeed got much needed rest and maybe even lost some excess weight.
And the interaction between him and "friend/partner" was typical "cutesy"; they playfully argued about which street MOMA resides on, going so far as to bet money on whether it's on 53rd or 70th street (my Father won that battle) while I sat and sipped Kettle One and ate a steak the size of my head.
I am happy that he (and they) are happy living together...it just kinda shakes my brain like a paint can that he got there before I have, but maybe it's only fair. He waited much longer than I did. Now I am in the odd predicament of wanting the relationship that my Father has...if Freud was alive he would have a field day with this situation.
And here I am left alone to figure it out on my own.
Did I mention my Mother is sleeping in my bed as I type this?
10 comments:
I can refer you to some people.
I've also got some pills you can take to ease the edge off.
Freud would most certainly have a field day. Goodluck dealing with all this stuff.It's hard.
Give me a couple of years until I get my degree.....then you can come sit on my couch.
First off, you must recognize there is a big elephant in any room, sitting in the middle of any supper table, or sitting on the line in any telephone conversation between you and your father. It has nothing to do with his new partner, and that only serves to divert you from the real issues; your homosexuality, confusion, your own personal acceptance of who you are, and your uncertainty related to your fathers identity and sexual orientation.
My advice to you is to be honest with your father and yourself. Tell your dad, in writing if you wish, to ease the tension, pain, discomfort, awkwardness, etc. and ultimately, give him some personal time to accept your homosexuality on his own terms away from you in his own space and comfort zone. If indeed your suspicions about his orientation are true, telling him through a letter might also be a catalyst for him to open up and be honest with you.
On a deeper note, he may fear that he has handed down his “curse of homosexuality” to you like an inherited birth defect. He may be angry with himself that he was unable to spare you the difficulties and challenges that he has experienced as a homosexual. He may have wanted to spare you the hardships that he had to experience. I do not know his personal struggles with his sexual identity or even if he has or had them. You do not know if your father is gay but these issues all go through a gay persons mind as they grow up and learn who they are and, inevitably, must come to terms with it. Many gay men, unfortunately, do not come to terms with themselves and believe salvation is achieved only through suicide.
I remember reading an earlier post on your site about how you opened up to one of your straight male friends who pretty much embodied the ultra-straight chick killer type. You were very afraid sitting at the bar that he would not accept you, berate you or treat you differently or unkind. You discovered this was not true. But telling him was like opening a window into your soul. It left you vulnerable and unable to run-and-hide to the comforts that you had always known prior to telling him; heterosexuality, the universal identity that society accepts and believes to be “normal.” You became, in essence, an outcast in your social structure and were seeking acceptance, love, and understanding from them. Telling them opened up new realizations for them about homosexuals and demonstrated to them that you were no different after you confided in them than you were some two hours before on your cellular telephone. This was an important step for you and them. It developed your relationships to a new level of honesty.
Now imagine how this must all feel to your father who may have come to an understanding and acceptance of his sexuality later in his life. He married, had children, and probably always longed for the lifestyle and freedom you cherish and enjoy today. He may not want to tell his young son that he is a homosexual and risk the same fears that you had when you opened up to your friend. You are his son and I am sure he loves you a great deal. I am sure he feels he might disappoint you, hurt you, cause you to feel shame or anger towards him, not be understanding or accepting of him or his life choices. He probably also fears that you will hate him for his dishonesty or that his homosexuality in some ways was the cause for your parents divorce. Effectively, that it was his fault that your parents marriage did not work out. Divorce is always harder on the children than the parents. Simply because you get older does not mean those childhood feelings disappear. They do not dissipate with time, but rather, are suppressed and often manifest themselves into our adult relationships; i.e. failure to commit, an incapacity to express emotions, high divorce rates, etc.
For your father, it may just be easier to have you believe that he just has a male roommate in NYC to save money on the extortionate rental rates and high cost of NYC than the reality that this man is his lover. It is safer to keep as much of the perfect parent fantasy alive as he still can after his divorce for you and your brother. Divorce often shatters that image for children and he may feel that is all he has left to offer you; the image that he is a good man and provider rather than a homosexual. If it took him this long in his life to finally come out and express who he really is, I am sure he has a lot of unresolved emotional baggage and self-acceptance issues. He may have moved away from Chicago to gain personal freedom and spare you and your brother any shame that he feels he might inflict by living as an open gay male in Chicago. Out of sight out of mind mentality.
By being honest with your father you are setting yourself free. Free of the fear, shame, denial, and the emotional baggage and chains that you tie yourself to everyday. You are limiting all of the possibilities of what your relationship with your father could be, regardless of your fathers sexual orientation. And, in the end, your father may just have a male roommate that he lives with and may not be gay and you are simply projecting. Highly doubtful though from what you have stated.
In the end, it is not about your father or his “friend,” but about you. If you are honest with your father then your authenticity might set you both free. Either way, you might reach a point of emotional and personal freedom that you have always sought. It is natural to yearn for acceptance from our parents. Later in life, as we progress into adults and discover our own identities and self-truths, we yearn for their respect.
This is the only advice I can offer. It is not easy to do and I speak from my own painful experiences on this topic. Remove the elephant and I think all else will naturally fall into place and your relationship with your father and his “friend” will be replete and progress as it ultimately should.
Good luck and I wish the best for you and your father.
PS: Freud was a sex crazed coke freak with little insight into anything. If he were alive I would advice you not to seek treatment from him.
Ryan.
check out the howard brown center. they have really good counselors/therapists there, with sliding fees and varied hours.
and at least you have figured out who you are much sooner than it took your dad to do the same. so consider yourself lucky in that respect,at least.
"Anonymous/Ryan" could you shoot me an e-mail?
Everything "Anonymous/Ryan" said.
As I wrote you earlier, both my former wife and I came out within 18 months of each other after over 25 years of marriage. Needless to say, this was a difficult time for our mid-twenties daughter. She assumed that we had a perfect family and had a hard time giving up the fantasy.
Now, due to much frank conversation and lots of therapy, all three of us are far closer than we were before. Nothing beats authenticity as the basis for a relationship.
Of course, I say that after 25 years of hiding, but better late than never.
And, I'm learning to relate to my former wife's partner and she with me. It's been awkward at times, especially with my side of the family. But, now we can celebrate holidays together and have a genuinely good time.
So, there's good reason for hope. Get in touch with Ryan and trust that your relationship with your dad can evolve.
I'm impressed that you're willing to share such a tender subject. Good for you.
I'm with Ryan Jus, I think all things considered esp your visit to your dads with X (your 'friend' at the time), and his 'friend'.. I think you should just be honest with your father. Tell him and I think it'll help you both move on... and may help you two get closer.
Um, well i dont have a lot of wisdom to add here. My brother is gay but oddly enough we hardly talk about it. We talk about guys a bit but kind of avoid the subject. Its just uncomfortable. Our elephant is shit that happened when we were kids, abuse and that kind of thing. I think theres a time and a place for frank conversation. I dont think you can force it.
On a side note, my vote is that MOMA is mos def in the 50s, not the 70s. Am i right?
This whole "subplot" trips me out, man. I feel like I'd really want to talk about it, get it out in the open. The 1 percent of doubt I have in my "dad is gay" theory would eat me up...
At the same time, I know I'd be scared shitless to bring it up. Not only because, of course, I'm worried about outing myself... but I don't want to feel like I'm outing him either. Although, it seems like he's slowly becoming willing to let you in. Maybe with some more time, it'll be something you guys can address??
Nothing Golden Stays
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