ME MYSELF AND I

Just got back from a friend's wedding tonight, and I have concluded that it is simply depressing to attend such an event as a single, gay man.

Of course, I was grateful to watch an old friend marry her man. She looked amazing (it's really something how women have this "super hero" ability to morph into super beautiful beings; brides look positively radiant on their big day) and the ceremony was very touching, even to this hardened soul.

To see a Father "give away" (bad phrase) his daughter to her husband is something that never fails to move me. Even if the speech is cheesy, its still (read: sentimental to the extreme) a moment that holds its own particular gravity.

From my perspective, the Father's speech was plodding and slightly awkward, but to the parties directly involved, it was full of naked emotion and love.

Per standard protocol, a slightly mediocre dinner followed, along with the usual lame conversation with the people you are forced to sit with (i.e. "so how do you know the bride/groom, etc?). Fuck, I sound like a grouch!

But when it came time for the "dancing" (if you could call the spasms exhibited by white middle aged people on display) I was left by myself at a large table to contemplate by future.

One of my best friends, one who got hitched back in May, was a Bridesmaid, and I was seated next to her husband.

This guy is awesome. He is a Marine who served recently in Iraq, but well adjusted (as much as could be, I suppose) and we chatted and drank the night away.

But once it was time for him to "claim" his wife and cut up a rug, which was totally within his right to do, it left me sitting in front of a lonely bottle of beer.

All dressed up in a black Calvin Kline suit with nowhere to go.

I could have asked one of the random women to dance, but the 3 that I identified as not having a male partner present, were all taken, and really....I'm not much of a dance type of guy.

Perhaps if I didn't have to drive such a distance home, I would have consumed additional alcohol to overcome any social anxiety, but as the night went on, I resolved myself to stay sober (relatively speaking).

And I felt increasingly disassociated from the straight, partying mass of those already married, or those intending to do so (SOON!).

Overall, it was a lovely occasion to passively experience, but it also made me feel lonely.

I want to go to a wedding just once with a boyfriend (hopefully also clad in Calvin Kline, maybe Armani, haha) as a couple.

I thought by this point in my life I would be coupled and have someone to attend such events with.

But as I am not, they tend to weigh on me negatively.

And this sucks because these occasions should be about the proud and happy Bride and Groom, but I leave feeling vaguely dejected, and more than out of place.