Inspired by Closet NS' recent coming out to his best friend (once again, congratulations!) I thought about how similar his friend's reaction was to nearly all of my friend's reactions, which was along the lines of "oh, well, great man, good for you, this changes nothing between us" etc. This is a good thing as coming out to close friends is always stressful but in the end, usually almost always a non-issue, as far as the friend's reaction goes.
Now, out of all the friends that I have told there were two notable exceptions to the above example that come to mind. The first one that I will describe is kind of funny, the second one, not so much.
The second person I told that I was gay is my Roomie (how is Peru by the way my dear?). We were about to move into together and I thought it was not only fair, but practical to tell her before we actually did move in. This was only a few weeks after I told my other friend/the first person I came out to.
We were at a bar (surprise, surprise) and although I was certain of her reaction, I still needed a little "liquid courage" to get the words out. I asked her to extricate herself from a few other friends and we went to a corner of the bar, sat down and I said something like:
Me: (takes long and dramatic slug of beer) "before we move in together next week...there is something I need to tell you"
Roomie: "um...OK, what is it?"
Me: (pause for seemingly dramatic effect) "well, I don't know how to say this except just to say it..."
Roomie: "...yes...what is it you need to tell me?"
Me: "I'm gay"
Roomie: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Me: (totally perplexed look on my face) "what the fuck is so funny?"
Roomie: "You're hysterical, you had me there for a second"
Me: "what? I'm not joking! I like guys...I thought you should know..."
Roomie: (laughing manically) "Justin! Stop it! You're too much"
Of course since this conversation occurred a few years ago, and we were kind of drunk, the above transcript is not exactly accurate, but it's close (or at how I remember it, feel free to weigh in Roomie). Bottom line, she thought I was joking, which makes sense because we share a fucked up sense of humor like that. Regardless, after she realized I was being sincere she was awesome and gave me a big hug.
Moving on to the next, and third person I came out to. Emboldened by having just coming out 2 really close, and open minded friends, I decided it was time to come out to a good male friend, who conveniently invited me over to a bar he worked at as he got off his shift. Though this friend was a very good one, he was by no means my "best friend".
Despite this, I had my reasons to think he would offer another unique and valid perspective. I made my over to the bar (coincidentally the same one where I came out to the 2 other friends) and sat down and ordered a stiff drink. He finished his paperwork, removed his apron, ordered a coke (he doesn't drink) and sat down next to me at the bar.
Sober Male Friend: "so, what's on your mind man?"
Me: (dragging my heels) "well, there is something important I wanted to talk to you about"
Sober Male Friend: "OK, what is it?"
Me: "um...well, I'll just say it..."
Sober Male Friend: "...what? dude you know you can tell me anything..."
Me: "I like guys, I'm gay"
Sober Male Friend: "...."
With that this good/great friend I trusted stubs out his cigarette, gets up and leaves the bar without saying a fucking word. I left alone, in a huge, empty bar, TV's playing some stupid game in the background contemplating what the fuck just happened. Needless to say, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
After regaining (some) of my composure and inhaling another stiff drink, my friend reappears and says:
Sober Male Friend:"Dude...I thought you were going to tell me you have cancer..."
Me: (shocked and nearly speechless) "uh, what...the....fuck..."
Sober Male Friend: "you scared the shit out of me"
Me: (apparently) "...sorry bro, didn't mean to, it's just that..."
Sober Male Friend:"No, no, just stop...it's fine, I guess..."
I thought at that time that maybe he also thought I was coming out to him to profess my "love" to him, which certainly was not the case. I went home totally confused and lost and without stating the obvious that I was not, indeed, in "love" with him; rather he was just someone I felt I could confide in.
Turns out I was very wrong in that assumption. So "mixed up" he was at my admission to my being gay, he told 2 other very close, male friends of mine. At the time, I was PISSED. I wanted to come out to these 2 other people on my own terms, but he did so on his own accord. Not to spite me, mind you, he just didn't know better.
I have since forgiven this friend, but to this day, I almost regret my actions that one night. Looking back, I wish I could have changed things, but really, you can never go back, one can only look forward, which is what I decided to do, and have done since. In some ways, it was a positive experience...or at the least a learning one.
Now, out of all the friends that I have told there were two notable exceptions to the above example that come to mind. The first one that I will describe is kind of funny, the second one, not so much.
The second person I told that I was gay is my Roomie (how is Peru by the way my dear?). We were about to move into together and I thought it was not only fair, but practical to tell her before we actually did move in. This was only a few weeks after I told my other friend/the first person I came out to.
We were at a bar (surprise, surprise) and although I was certain of her reaction, I still needed a little "liquid courage" to get the words out. I asked her to extricate herself from a few other friends and we went to a corner of the bar, sat down and I said something like:
Me: (takes long and dramatic slug of beer) "before we move in together next week...there is something I need to tell you"
Roomie: "um...OK, what is it?"
Me: (pause for seemingly dramatic effect) "well, I don't know how to say this except just to say it..."
Roomie: "...yes...what is it you need to tell me?"
Me: "I'm gay"
Roomie: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Me: (totally perplexed look on my face) "what the fuck is so funny?"
Roomie: "You're hysterical, you had me there for a second"
Me: "what? I'm not joking! I like guys...I thought you should know..."
Roomie: (laughing manically) "Justin! Stop it! You're too much"
Of course since this conversation occurred a few years ago, and we were kind of drunk, the above transcript is not exactly accurate, but it's close (or at how I remember it, feel free to weigh in Roomie). Bottom line, she thought I was joking, which makes sense because we share a fucked up sense of humor like that. Regardless, after she realized I was being sincere she was awesome and gave me a big hug.
Moving on to the next, and third person I came out to. Emboldened by having just coming out 2 really close, and open minded friends, I decided it was time to come out to a good male friend, who conveniently invited me over to a bar he worked at as he got off his shift. Though this friend was a very good one, he was by no means my "best friend".
Despite this, I had my reasons to think he would offer another unique and valid perspective. I made my over to the bar (coincidentally the same one where I came out to the 2 other friends) and sat down and ordered a stiff drink. He finished his paperwork, removed his apron, ordered a coke (he doesn't drink) and sat down next to me at the bar.
Sober Male Friend: "so, what's on your mind man?"
Me: (dragging my heels) "well, there is something important I wanted to talk to you about"
Sober Male Friend: "OK, what is it?"
Me: "um...well, I'll just say it..."
Sober Male Friend: "...what? dude you know you can tell me anything..."
Me: "I like guys, I'm gay"
Sober Male Friend: "...."
With that this good/great friend I trusted stubs out his cigarette, gets up and leaves the bar without saying a fucking word. I left alone, in a huge, empty bar, TV's playing some stupid game in the background contemplating what the fuck just happened. Needless to say, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
After regaining (some) of my composure and inhaling another stiff drink, my friend reappears and says:
Sober Male Friend:"Dude...I thought you were going to tell me you have cancer..."
Me: (shocked and nearly speechless) "uh, what...the....fuck..."
Sober Male Friend: "you scared the shit out of me"
Me: (apparently) "...sorry bro, didn't mean to, it's just that..."
Sober Male Friend:"No, no, just stop...it's fine, I guess..."
I thought at that time that maybe he also thought I was coming out to him to profess my "love" to him, which certainly was not the case. I went home totally confused and lost and without stating the obvious that I was not, indeed, in "love" with him; rather he was just someone I felt I could confide in.
Turns out I was very wrong in that assumption. So "mixed up" he was at my admission to my being gay, he told 2 other very close, male friends of mine. At the time, I was PISSED. I wanted to come out to these 2 other people on my own terms, but he did so on his own accord. Not to spite me, mind you, he just didn't know better.
I have since forgiven this friend, but to this day, I almost regret my actions that one night. Looking back, I wish I could have changed things, but really, you can never go back, one can only look forward, which is what I decided to do, and have done since. In some ways, it was a positive experience...or at the least a learning one.
4 comments:
Whoa... that was a weird reaction.. just walking off without a word.
Sounds like they both turned out OK in the end — two friends to start with, two friends to end with. But the awkwardness and doubt that second night must have been hard to bear.
Nothing Golden Stays
heheh! You were so out of character serious that I figured you were drunk and fucking with me. When are you ever that serious? But it's not like it never occurred to me that you might be....*gasp*...
one of them! Plus, I was thinking, "if he's not fucking with me, then why is he so darn serious? So he likes men, what the-the-hey?! That would confirm our suspicions on the lack of girlfriend for the last 5 years....."
But of course, now yer goin to hell! See you there!
But seriously, I know it must have been nerve-wracking. But worth it in that things are so much better now.
sincerely,
roomie-o-yours (but not so much the roomie anymore after nigh on half a fucking year in Peru. You are more like a glorified cat sitter now....thanks, by the way, and if any of my plants are still alive when I come home, I'll buy you a burger or sumpthin.)
I know the feeling. My first coming out experience:
Me: [nervous, shaking and all]: I'm gay.
Her: Haha. No you're not.
Me: Yes I am. How can I convince you?
I did not expect that sort of thing at all.
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