Tuesday, March 6, 2007

COMING OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Just over a year and a half ago I began the coming out process. Red and I had been really close for several years, so close that most people assumed we were dating, and for all practical (but not romantic) purposes we were. I knew that she liked me as more than just a friend and for a long time I thought I felt the same way too.

Of course I never acted on any impulses...because they weren't any to act upon. The synapse in my brain that compels a boy to kiss a girl died a long time ago or was never there in the first place. I wanted to want to kiss her, have sex with her, etc, but at the end of the day I was interested more in the thought than the action and I was not going to pretend otherwise.

Eventually Red started dating one of my close male friends, which meant I basically lost my 2 best friends for nearly a year. After they came out of their love coma they started actually hanging out with other people again. We renewed our friendship and grew tight again.

When I finally decided I was going to come out of the closet I was not in the best place emotionally, or physically for the matter. I was constantly stressed, pissed off or both and I began to realize that a lot of that anger was a result of being stuck in the closet. I needed to talk to someone about the how I was feeling because if I didn’t, I felt the stress might literally kill me.

The decision to tell Red first was made because I trusted her and figured it would be a safe option. One day I called her and said that there was something important I needed to talk to her about. She seemed suspicious, especially when I asked to meet with just her (and without her boyfriend present). We finally decided on a specific night and I thought out everything in my head that I wanted to tell her. The big night came…and she blew me off, (I later found out that she “forgot” and spent the night at this asshole’s house so she could score drugs).

I was fucking crushed. And angry; I thought it was clear that what I needed to say was very important. The next time we spoke I flipped the fuck out and she apologized then promised not to blow me off the next time we made plans “to talk about whatever it is you need to tell me”. At this point I thought about not going through with it. Of course, there were other close friends but no one I felt comfortable talking to about being gay.

A few months passed before the planets aligned once again and we made plans to hang out and talk. We met at a bar and I had a few beers and shot while we made small talk. Finally she said "so what is it that you want to tell me". I tried speaking, but even after a few beers I had to force the words "I'm gay" out of my throat.

Cue the waterworks.

It must have looked strange to see a seemingly normal guy crying in the middle of a busy bar during “happy hour” but at that point I could give 2 shits about what anyone thought. We hugged and she said “it’s OK, I totally accept you for who you are”. I never once thought she would have any other reaction but a positive one, but until I actually said those 2 little words I couldn’t know for sure. Needless to say this was a huge, HUGE weight off my shoulders.

The last year and half have gotten easier with each passing day. Although Red and I are no longer speaking I’m still grateful to her for helping to set the wheels in motion. I’m proud to say I haven’t lost any friends since coming out (which truthfully was once a major fear) and in fact I’ve made many new ones since. Today, my perspective on life has improved considerably. Although I haven’t come out to my family yet I know that once I do they will also accept for who I am.

3 comments:

V.J. Civic said...

Thanks for sharing your story.

I came out to a friend of mine in October and remember how liberating it felt. It was not so much that it relieved me, but I know it transformed me.

Right now, I want to come out to some of my friends but don't know how to approach it because I am in the "I think I might be" gay phase that I always have been. I'll find the right time to come out. I'll probably share one experience later in my blog.

about a boy said...

thank you for sharing.

the more you come out, the easier it gets. at least it seems so. the 2nd person i came out to was my fiance. she didnt take it very well. havent talked to her since. her loss.

Will said...

I had the same fears, and also lost no friends. It's nice that people care about you as a person and not you as who you sleep with.