Thursday, August 9, 2007


Bated Breath: a state in which you almost stop breathing through terror, awe, extreme anticipation, or anxiety.

The "extreme anticipation" aspect of the above phrase certainly applies to my current state of mind (and perhaps the "anxiety" one too). It's been four long days since I have received any form of communication from JT, and that fact, coupled with this damn heat and the Cubs current losing streak has made for an exhausting week.

My natural predisposition is to hope for the best, but at the same time I have a tendency to think the worst. On Monday I got a text message from JT saying that he didn't receive Sunday's text/call because his phone was dead. Fine, shit happens (although I thought this was a suspect excuse because when I called him his phone rang four times before going to voice mail). I almost lost it on Monday at work when I realized that I left my phone at home but once I got back I saw that he left me a text saying he would "hit me up soon". Awesome, right?

Four days later and still not having been "hit up" this initial awesome feeling has devolved in to a state of restlessness that is difficult to quantify. Anytime someone sends me a text message the little "ping-ping" sound that my phone makes causes me to stop breathing and my blood pressure to rise. Is this finally him responding back to me? Thus far it has not. How badly does it fucking suck to receive a text from a good friend and be disappointed?

Now, I realize that people lead busy lives and don't always have the time to make time to hang out (that's the new American Way, is it not?). What I do not understand, nor will I ever is how people, JT in particular, seems not to see fit to respond in any way, shape or form. Seriously, if he brazenly told me to FUCK OFF it would be better than him simply ignoring me. After all, I'm an adult. I can handle rejection (it wouldn't be the first time).

What I cannot handle is non-response, especially after the (granted) short but awesome time we spent together. Not to boast, but I made this guy moan and squirm. Generally speaking, this alone would be a positive reaction to our shared experience and one that would suggest that he would want to see me again (and keep in mind that we kept things very, very PG-13-ish, it's not as if we had wild, crazy, dirty sex).

Every indication seemed to indicate that he really liked me as much as I did him. I felt confident that at the least our shared experience would lead to another date, but at this juncture it apparently does not even warrant a fucking text message telling me to back off. I'm trying so hard not to let this get me down, but thus far this has been an exercise in sheer futility. To be quite honest, this situation makes me rather sad and inserts severe doubts into my mind about my ability to connect with another individual on anything beyond a casual level.

Perhaps I'm just naive about dating gay men but I thought I did everything right by this guy and while we were together everything felt so right. Was I really just in an awake-dream state? Am I that stupid? Am I really this socially inept?

Please understand that I am not a violent/angry person, but my frustration level reached the point on Tuesday night that I slammed my right fist into a solid oak door...and it won. Thankfully nothing broke but it is sore.

It's kinda like my soul, it ain't broke, but it sure as shit is sore right now...

Sometimes I can be such a stupid boy.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there, Justin. If it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, there is DEFINATELY someone else out there for you.

I have been reading your blog for the past couple of months and find you really refreshing and honest; something you do not usually find (either on the internet or in real life).

I have recently moved to downtown Chicago from Texas (10/06) and always enjoy your salient and humorous remarks; so much so, I visit your blog often.

PS. I know you don't want to hear this with the Cubbies losing streak and all.....but, GO ASTROS!


DB said...

J, I'm feeling you. Just know I'm sending you a big virtual hug and love and support. If JT doesn't come through, it's his loss. You're awesome and deserve only the best, most attentive guy.

One Lil Aussie said...

You never quite know what is coming out of left field until it smacks you right in the head, or the heart. Don't be too hard on yourself...believe me, I know exactly how you feel regarding the the whole 'no communication' thing. However keep faith...and if need be...take a deep breath and move on. People come in and out of our lives at various times for various reasons.'It' will happen for you!

Dee said...

Don't let it get you down Justin. You're a great guy (as I know from personal encounters) and there is someone out there for you. You just have to have fate in yourself and who you are and good things WILL come your way. Oh and on a side not Justin. I better see you at Market Days this weekend.

Oh and as for the anonymous guy that left the first message. I really hope you're enjoying Chicago. Plus I hope you go to Market Days you're sure to have a blast.


Oak is a durable, tough, and very attractively grained wood. Perhaps a fresh supply of scrap glass and a shiny new hammer will provide the satisfaction you are seeking?

JUSTIN said...

@Anonymous: Welcome to Chicago! Thanks for the kind words.

@DB & Aussie you're support is always appreciated! Thank you...

@Dee: Thank you for your words as well, and yes, I will be at Market Days with weekend with the "girls".

@Neil: Beating a Gockel with a 40" piece of 85-26 would be most satisfying...

Anonymous said...

I love your sweet ass. I know that does not help, as I am married and have a chach, but you know... you're still my favorite slutbag. You'll find the right dude. Give it a little time, you have not been out there with your freak flag flying for very long yet. Just be patient... Love! ~ G ~

jay said...

Dude, I hope you've since calmed down but if you haven't some ppl are just like that. I know from experience.

It doesn't mean that there is a lack of interest on his part. It could but if he sent a txt promising to hit u up soon I doubt its that.

I won't even get into the MOAN and SQUIRM lol.