Friday, July 6, 2007

YOU DESERVE A BLOWJOB - ROUND 2

Had I not participated in an hour long conference call with a Raging Asshole of a client at work today, this would been posted earlier. Now that I been able to enjoy my ceremonial post work Kamenitza (it's a beer from Bulgaria) and yet another post work ceremony of mine (hehe), I hereby present to you Week 2 of "You Deserve A Blowjob".

1. Lou Pinella

In the not too distant past I all but wrote this season off. But since you were ejected from fighting with that umpire, the Cubs have gone on tear, winning 21 of their last 31 games. Even better, you coached the Cubs to 11 W's in 13 games. Currently, the Cubs are 4 1/2 games behind the Milwaukee Brewers, and it's only a matter of time before we find ourselves in solid command of the NL Central division. Thanks to you I no longer cry myself to sleep, and for that reason, you deserve a solid blowjob.

2. Barack Obama

The junior Senator from Illinois has raised a staggering $32.5 million in just the 2nd quarter of this year. Even more amazing is that 258,000 people have donated to your Presidential campaign fund since January 1. And with Bush taking a torch to whatever credibility the Republican Party still has, your prospects are improving even as I type this. Although my extracurricular liquid assets are currently tied up in clothes, drinking at the bar and concerts, I will donate the oral equivalent of a financial contribution, because you deserve an earth-shattering blowjob.

3. Tom Skilling

Obviously you do not control the weather, but since I have taken your name in vain on many an occasion ("that Asshole Skilling didn't forecast snow!) it's only fair that I give you some credit for the wonderful weather we are experiencing right now. And although you're brother Jeff Skilling was involved in that ugly Enron mess, I'm willing to look past that since it's currently sunny, 80 degrees with only 37% humidity. This one must be outsourced Tom, but you deserve a nice blowjob.

4. Random Construction Worker

Yesterday I was stopped by your colleague for 5 minutes while several pieces of heavy equipment were moved across the roadway. Initially, this pissed me the fuck off because I really wanted to get home and relax. But then I turn my head and I see you standing there, yelling into your 2 way Nextel wearing your dirty, but revealing jeans. Nice ass. Obviously the above picture isn't you, but it was the first image that came up on Google. Anytime, anywhere, I will give you a blowjob that you will never forget.

5. George W Bush

OK, OK, I know this choice might seem out of character, but hear me out. First off, Happy Birthday! Did you enjoy watching the Cubs hammer the Nationals on Thursday Night? No? Well, I certainly did. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you personally for commuting Scooter Libbey's prison sentence. This is yet another sign that you just don't give a shit about your legacy. For that, Mr. President, you deserve a blowjob, only this one shall be administered by someone with a horrific overbite and maybe even braces. Cheers!

Have a ball out there tonight boys and girls!

6 comments:

jay said...

4 & 5 are priceless!

You're very confident mr "you will never forget" :p

Anonymous said...

Obama deserves a blowjob from ME, gaddammit. ME!

-Roomie

J.R. said...

How many No. 4's do you pass on any given day, Justin?

Dee said...

I agree with you Justin this weather was just wonderful. Oh and I think the construction worker may be the only one worthy of a b/j from me.

Silly Billy said...

Yes, even sober this is hysterical.

RevRee said...

I'd actually be slightly tempted to give "Random Construction Worker" a blowjob...

even if he does look a little gay, not that theres anything wrong with that...