COCK TEASE OF A DREAM

It's rare that go to sleep before Midnight, but since I was still tired from the long weekend of Rawking Out I did the responsible adult thing and went to bed at 11PM last night. Of course, this doesn't mean that actually went to sleep, though I certainly tried. What follows is a brief time line of what ensued.

11:05PM - Set the alarm, turned out the lights.

11:12PM - Lights back on, it's hot so I move the fan from the other room into my bedroom. Turn it on full blast. Lay back down, ahhh.

11:14PM - Determine it's too cold and stub my toe while trying to turn the fan down in the dark. Succeeding, I lay back down.

11:27PM - This isn't working. Take a piss, realize I haven't read this month's issue of Details. Figuring that this will surely make me sleepy I read about how woman are enjoying, nay - requesting anal sex more than ever in history.

11:29PM - [I'm a fast reader] Feeling slightly disturbed I flip over to the interview with that guy from the Harry Potter movies. Upon learning that he is worth an estimated $33 million I say "FUCK" and throw the magazine on the floor.

11:33PM - Get a drink of water [perhaps I should have gone for the vodka instead] and resolve myself to go to sleep for real this time. Lights out.

11:47PM - I hear my upstairs neighbors come home and seemingly wrestle an elephant to the floor. Right. Above. My. Head. Thanks neighbors.

11:51PM - Still awake wondering the neighbors really were doing. Sex? Naw, too quick. Meth lab accident? Naw, I'd smell the chemicals. Whatever...getting...sleeply.

11:58PM - BOOM! Lightning! Thunder! Rain! Since I love thunderstorms I lay in bed looking out the window at the rain falling. It smells good and a nice breeze blows through my bedroom. Feels nice. Closing my eyes...and...nothing! Fuck!

12:15AM - This calls for desperate measures. I grab a bottle of lotion and go to work.

12:18AM - Done with "work".

12:30AM - Still staring at the ceiling thinking "if I had to choose between Charlie Hunnam and Matt Dallas, who would I choose? Charlies has that smile but Matt has...those...eyes...

12:32AM - Presumably about the time I fall asleep.

12:46AM - Deep in sleep dreaming about going to a fancy party that my brother's friend is having at huge mansion in Aspen. I roll up in a black BMW M5 and realize I am way too under dressed. Then I spot my brother's female friend who is also under dressed and she calls me over to introduce me to her friend. He's cute but not head to tall hot. "You're way better looking from that Hairy Potter pussy" I tell him. He laughs then disappears.

12:51AM - Still not able to find my brother I saddle up to the open bar and order some Johnny Walker Black "straight up - and don't put too much ice in it" I say while holding a Fiver in my hand.

12:55AM - Sipping my drink I gaze out over the Rockies. In the corner of my eye I think I see Warren Buffet but I don't go over to say hello. Out of the corner of my other eye I think I see Cory Haim. I don't say hello to him either.

1:12AM - Walking around with another Johnny Walker Black I'm looking for the guy my brother's female friend introduced to me. No sign of him.

1:16AM - Suddenly I'm in a swanky casino . Somehow I managed to put on a tuxedo and I'm playing Blackjack, and winning. "Johnny Black all around!" I find myself saying while trowing chips at people. Then, I turn and see the guy I want to see walk out of the "casino". I dump the rest of my chips and walk after him...

1:19AM - No sign of him anywhere. I sigh, take off my tuxedo tie and just then I feel a tap on my shoulder. Turning around - the guy is right there and we start to kiss, but then I break it and say "not right here". "Follow me he says..." and after exiting another door we're outside in the harsh light of a nameless desert.

1:25AM - A loud sound diverts me gaze from the back of his head and when I turn back he's gone. There I am wearing a tuxedo in the middle of a FUCKING BOMBING RANGE. I duck for cover, finding shelter in the shadow of an airplane hanger. "Whew - that was close" I say but then I look around to see the guy is still gone. Hearing a rumbling the distance I spot a tanker truck that's suddenly going too fast for the turn it's about to take and it skids sideways stopping only a few feet from me.

1:29AM - "HOLY FUCK" I say to no one in particular "I need to get out of here".

1:45AM - Like the Hollywood Action Star that I am not I'm down wearing my undershirt and torn tuxedo pants, right arm bloody and bruised. Out in the distance I see a patch of green and walk for miles over hot, tough terrain wearing one shoe.

2:25AM - Exhausted and near complete total physical and mental collapse I hear the same brother's female friend call my name in the distance. Strangely, I realize there is probably cold beer and push myself off the ground and hike the final mile or so the patio area next to a big pool where all my brother's friends are having a kegger.

2:29 AM - Turning around I spot the guy and walk towards him. He's smiling right at me and I at him and right before I sit down right to him....I FUCKING WAKE UP.

Obviously this dream isn't exactly how I described it but it's damn near close. What the hell? I'm laying awake in bed at 2:30AM wondering if I really got some figment of my imagination's phone number and moaning about having to wake up for work in 4 1/2 hours.

Of course I quickly fell back asleep but I don't remember what if anything I dreamed about.

How appropriate that the Drive By Trucker's "Hell No I Ain't Happy" just came on...