Friday, June 8, 2007

WARNING: AXE BODY SPRAY WILL NOT GET YOU LAID

OK, a "fatwa" needs to be issued against the individual roaming the halls of my office building wearing Axe Body Spray. First, it's not an air freshener. Second, it's not acceptable for anyone, especially those males no longer in junior high school to wear anywhere at anytime. Thirdly, it smells like fucking shit. The stench is lingering in the lobby, the elevator and the hallway and it's making my eyes, nose and throat burn.

My Internet research prowess has taught me the following; while the Americans get the lame fragrances our obviously highly evolved European counterparts get these tasty varieties of Axe: "Horny Juice" (this would be a huge hit in the South), "Anti-Hangover" (which is an incredulous example of false advertising), "Relapse" (Brit-Brit would like this one, Brandon Davis too), "Relapse" (Lindsey Lohan comes to mind) and finally, my personal favorite, "Marine".

Further research reveals the names of additional fragrance lines that never made it outside of the Unilever lab facilities:

"Repulsive"
"Chlamydia"
"Asphyxiate"
"Androgen"
"Spermicide"
"Accelerant"
"Turpentine"
"Methanol"
"Formaldehyde"
"Bromhidrosis"
"Halitosis"
"Sulfuric Acid"
"Mysophilia"
"Convulsive"

UPDATE: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! - I have found the source! After going outside to make a call (anything to spend time in the nice weather and get away from my desk) I smelled the stench again, and it was emanating from the teenage son of the building manager. Not sure what the proper course of action is in such a situation...other than gasping for air.

9 comments:

MEETING NEIL IS EASY said...

When you have a chance, ask Joanna about Axe body spray.

Jeff said...

find a lighter and follow the kid around with a handkerchief to your face- then when the moment comes and he's spraying that rancid hobo scent on himself- light it up, and he'll learn never to use it again
ick, that stuff is gross- and the commercial is even worse

Soul Seared Dreamer said...

He is a teenage bloke, most likely straight. Make a move on him. He'll run from the building as fast as his little legs can carry him. You'll never have to deal with him or his stench ever again.

That or grin and bare it

james said...

i agree with ssd. the advertising leads users to believe axe will make them irresistible, but it doesn't limit that irresistibility to one sex. let him know you just can't control yourself when you smell it. and try not to get like, fired or something in the process...

Mike said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that Axe smells bad.

JUSTIN said...

OK, in no way shape or form am I attracted to this "kid". He smells like shit and needs a haircut...

Silly Billy said...

My building gives out gas masks in case of emergencies. That sounds like one.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I've tried chlymidia before. Not a big fan.

VJ said...

Don't forget about the "Bom Chicka Wah Wah" fragrance.

Nice name... or should I say sound.