Monday, June 11, 2007

JUST SMILE ALL THE TIME

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the time
Shine your teeth til meaningless
Sharpen them with lies
-Wilco, "How To Fight Loneliness"

For the last few weeks I've been struggling to express my current state of mind and have instead been relying on blogging about the "good times" while ignoring the other areas of my life. Therefore, in an attempt to clarify my thoughts, I'm attempting to - gasp - write about them. Hopefully this doesn't come off as blogging as therapy...

Let's start at last Sunday night. The Roomie and my great friend MarK (I've decided I like the term "great friend" as opposed to "best friend") were sitting around after watching the Soprano's. We were having a few drinks while discussing our activities for the week ahead. Roomie was preparing for her trip to Peru, MarK was going over his personal laundry list of things to do while my thoughts turned to work.

At first I mentioned how much I was not looking forward to going to work on Monday. The more I talked about how much I hate my job I realized more and more how much I dislike my current place in the world and how on a day-to-day basis I feel utterly useless. Then the tears started. And did not stop.

I'm 99% sure this was the first time I ever broke down in front of my friend MarK, (the Roomie has seen it a few times, though it' still rare). Although I'm usually somewhat straight forward in expressing my emotions and thoughts, this was different. Even now I'm having a bit of a had time getting this out, but I'm trying, so please bare with me.

The last few months I've felt a creeping sense of anxiety and loneliness. Not exactly depression, but just an overall sense of futility. For one thing, I've spent the last 18 months at a job I hate yet I still cannot find the time nor the energy to sit down and look for something else, (more on that later).

Besides my work-related frustrations, the other significant source of stress in my life is that, despite having plenty of good/great friends, I'm still single and thus lonely. When I was stuck in the closet I thought coming out would result in a decent relationship of some sort. Try as I might, I'm just not cut out for whore-dom. I need a stable relationship; I need someone to confide in, laugh at my jokes, take care of me when I feel like shit and wake up next to me in the morning. I need to need someone and someone to need me. I value my independence tremendously, but at the same time I yearn for serious honest to God boyfriend to share my life with.

It would be an understatement to say that I envy people who find themselves in this type of a relationship. Of course, it's always different looking in from the outside. For a few brief moments I thought I had found this with the infamous (at least in my mind) PD Boy. Not so. Despite his many, many qualities, (I swear if he was here right now I would be able to keep my hands off him) deep down I know in my heart he is not the one (by no fault of his own). And I know (I think) I'm not the one for him.

Perhaps I can boil this current state of mind down to the fact that I feel I should have made more progress with my life in the last 2 years, and yet I feel like I'm stagnating. Finding a new job should be easier than finding a significant other, and finding one or the other would go a long way towards improving my quality of life.

It's easy enough to sit down and apply for a new job (I have Friday off and this is the primary reason) but it's not so easy to "apply" for a boyfriend. Then again, it might be too much to ask of anyone to try to fill the emptiness I feel is gnawing at me. Part of me thinks that wouldn't be fair, and then part of me thinks I just haven't really experienced love like that and it might just be the reason I'm still hopeful that I will find someone special.

Or maybe I've been listening to too much Wilco tonight...

11 comments:

Phil said...

That's a good song but I like "Little Motel" a lot too. It's a good album.

I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butt and tell you that everyone has a soulmate out there that they'll meet one day. I do hope that someone special drifts into your life soon. I guess I'm not very good with cheering people up though.

Jeff said...

don't give up hope! i think all of us go through the same thing you're going through in our 20s. give it time and try to enjoy the things you do have -- even if they are small. my bf and i met 3 yrs ago and we do have something special. not trying to brag... 'cause it's not always easier in a relationship either. now i struggle with acceptance from parents. it's difficult to accept yourself when the people that brought you into this world don't accept you. but like i said, i rely on the things i do have. it sure beats focusing on stuff that you don't! take care...

Dee said...

Wow I understand where you are coming from Justin. I look at some of my friends that are in relationships and envy them. Then I look at my one friend that have multiple guys that want to go out with him and wonder when I'm alone. But like you said as long as I have good friends, good things will happen in time.

jay said...

I feel the exact way you do. I also intially felt coming out would make finding someone much easier but it really hasn't.

I too want the things you mentioned and would much rather that than random hookups which is why I've stayed away from having random sex.

It's not easy for any of us, but with cool friends, life is alot better and you have that.

Just give it some time, thats what I'm doing.

it is indeed much easier to find a new job than find a bf, so once you get that under control things will be brighter.

As I'm telling you this, i'm reminding myself of this too. Just a reminder that you're not alone.

MEETING NEIL IS EASY said...

Jeff Tweedy will leave you impotent if you're not too careful.

VJ said...

All I can say is that I'm not the only one here that will lend you support. Just take it day by day. Find a better job first and then tackle on a more serious relationship.

All in baby steps.

JUSTIN said...

Thank you all for the kind thoughts/words...I know things will improve and I'm working towards the goals I outlined, (job-wise at least).

@Neal: Seeing Jeff Tweedy consume sausage at the Brauhaus had a slightly opposite effect on me. Kidding. Sorta.

Silly Billy said...

Justin. Things will get better. For sure. For one, you are dedicating some time to the job hunt thing. Although, not sure what kind of views any new job will give you. And on the dating front, it will happen when its time. There is no rush. Until then, just enjoy being single.

Soul Seared Dreamer said...

I never know what to say to a post like this, its hard having to be by yourself all the time and I find words are often empty and meaningless, but I know I appreciate it when someone tries to console me so here goes....

I think for you its probably stems from not having a job you like. Coz if you were content in certain aspects of your life, then the yearning desire to spent your life with another doesn't sit so forward in your mind, and that lack doesn't depress you so much either.

What I can't do is promise you that you'll find someone, if I were able to tell the future I'd be a millionaire by now... but an important question is - do you honestly put yourself out there, coz if you don't well than it ain't really gonna happen mate.

By putting yourself out there in no uncertain terms am I saying start shagging around, but put yourself on a dating website or something, you never know who is lurking nearby.

Chin up bud, in the words of D:ream things can only get better

MEETING NEIL IS EASY said...

"Why not try a personals ad? You'll probably find someone who seems magically suited to you. That's because everyone in the personals scene is just as lonely and pathetic as you are."

- Excerpt from "You Are Worthless, Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day"

Insert faint hint of laughter HERE.

Good job.

Dean Grey said...

Justin!

I feel strange replying to a post over two years old but here goes nothing!

From the Wilco quote to the very end, this post just hit me.

When I was a child I used to smile all the time, to the point where people assumed I was happy. But in reality it was just my way of trying to hide the depression because I didn't want anyone to know how sad I was.

As I got older though (around high school) I dropped that facade and never cared if people saw me depressed. The smile left and never really returned.

Though I'm losing my job in a matter of days I've had it for over two years. I hated that job. It's made me cry and feel as you stated....useless. I always thought there was more to me than a dead-end job.

And God knows, I can relate to the loneliness. I've literally spent years and years and years alone AND lonely. Neither are fun.

I guess we all want the same thing when it comes right down to it.

To be in love and be loved, to have a real purpose in life, and to just be at peace with ourselves.

Will any of us get there........I have no idea. I guess that's part of life, trying to get to that point.

Sorry for the SUPER LONG comment but I had a lot to say on the subject........obviously!

-Dean