CHICAGO-ISMS

OK, I admit, this an example of "phoning it in", but I'm posting this because, A, it's Monday night, and, B, having read this list I was surprised at how many of these "Chicagoisms" actually apply to me. Here goes nothin'...

You say "Wanna go with?" when you mean "Do you want to come with me?"

My friends and I say this all the time and this is the first time I've ever realized it.

You know what Kennedy, Dan Ryan, Eisenhower, Edens, and Bishop Ford, have in common and curse one of them daily.

The Kennedy is the bane of my existence although I know plenty of surface streets that allow me to avoid it.

You know what "the Hillside strangler is."

That shit is wack, thankfully I don't live in that part of town.

You can name three or four extra taxes nobody else pays.

Christ almighty, there's 3 taxes on a fuckin' 6-pack of beer.

You know the difference between Richard J Daley and Richard M Daley.

I'm in the midst of reading a bio on Richard J, aka "the Emperor".

You can use two or three Daleyisms in context.

More like 4 or 5.

You can imitate the Mayor's whine.

It's not hard to do. "Come on...!"

You say Chicaaago.

I do and people from the South like to point this out.

You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun.

Actually, that does not sound like a fun to me. At all. When you beer freezes, it's time to go inside.

Da is a proper definite article.

Is it not?

You expect corruption in local politics.

It's a fact of life. The Dem's have been in power in Chicago since the 1920's.

You go to the Dells in the summer to get away from the other 20 thousand that followed you.

I've never been there.

You've been caught speeding in Wisconsin because you had Illinois plates.

Close, although I have been rear ended on I-94 after a Cubs-Brewers game. I pissed on the side of the road before the cops had a chance to show up.

You guard your shoveled parking space with an old chair and unusable broom.

People that do this are bullshit.

You know why they call it "the Windy City."

Indeed, but it's not because of the weather...

You know dead people who voted.

I don't, but the Dems have pulled that shit since way back when.

You understand the Democratic machine and don't fight against it.

The Republicans can have the suburbs, the Machine owns the city.

You've never ever considered the idea of hiring non-union laborers.

Who would do such a thing?

You've never been to Springfield.

I've driven through there, never stopped in though, and frankly, why would I?

You know a good gyros joint.

Yep, the place that Chris Farley liked is a short walk from my place.

You know what Giordanos, Lou Malnati's, and Gino's have in common.

Insanely good deep dish spinach pizza!

You know when the last time the Cubs won a pennant.

We lost to the Tigers in 1945.

You know exactly how many cars are "legally" allowed to turn left after the light turns red.

3-4 cars.

You don't know which ethnic "fest" to choose on any given Summer weekend.

Indeed, last weekend was a German fest, next weekend is a Swedish fest.

Your idea of relaxing and getting away from it all is Ravinia (with 10,000 others who have the same idea).

Ravinia rocks! You can bring in as much alcohol as you can carry.

You can recite many of "The Blues Brothers" lines and know where they filmed certain scenes.

Ha, everyday on my way to work I drive through one of the intersections where Jake and Elwood evaded the cops!

You consider paying someone to watch your car at a sporting event as just another "city tax."

I don't drive to sporting events but my brother and my father have both done this.

The "Living Room" is called the "front room".

This is very much true. I also call the dining room the "back room".

You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do.

Who does that anyways?

You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away.

This used to be the case, but traffic has recently grown to staggering proportions. Add 30 minutes to that "15 minutes" estimate and you're right on.

You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".

Anything South of I-80 can blow me.

You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".

And the Chicago River as "the River".

You refer to Chicago as "The City".

Well, it's just easier that way.

"The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986.

We fucked up the Patriots!

You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers!

Or anyone who beats the Colts.

You buy "The Trib".

Actually, I get 4 days delivered to my door for $0.50 a week.

You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car!

Last winter I got my car washed when it was about 10 degrees out which caused my windows to freeze shut.

You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.

Mustard and onions. Relish is gross.

You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.

That goes without saying.

You understand what "lake-effect" means.

Fuck yeah I do and usually it sucks, although when it's hot out it can be a God-send.

You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the "L".

Duh!

You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815.

For some reason my cell phone voice mail area code is in 708, but my cell number is in 847.

You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a side" example:"WEST SIDE", "SOUTH SIDE" or "NORTHSIDE."

Right, because this is Chicago.

You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet!

588-2300!

You wear gym shoes, not sneakers.

New Balance actually, but I do tend to refer to them as gym shoes.

Your favorite melody to hum is "Bang,Bang,Bang-Skeet,Skeet,Skeet!!!!"

Huh? This reference is lost on me.

You faithfully attended Lil Louis parties at The Bismarck.

I have not but I know what refers to.

You GOT to have spaghetti at your barbecue.

I do not "GOT" to but I know people that do.

You are STILL a Bulls fan........

Never was a big NBA fan but I do root for them anyways.

You go to Harold`s and order 4 pc wing, mild sauce, salt and pepper.

I don't order that but Harold's is the shit!

You have a picture of Harold Washington in your kitchen, living room, family room or basement.

Once again, I do not, but I should have one above the fireplace mantel.

You have made a special trip downtown because you had a craving for Garrett's caramel and cheese popcorn.

Not a special trip, but that is some good shit.

You drink at bars called "Bud on Tap" or "Milwaukee's Best" -- no names, just beer signs out front.

Too many times, too many times.

You live two miles from work and it takes you two hours to drive there.

More like 11 miles, but it still takes about an hour to get home from work.

You don't flinch when you pay the fifth toll of your 45-minute car ride on the highway.

I go out of my way to avoid "donating" money to the toll authority.

When you read a big story in the paper about mob ties in the city government, your first reaction is "So, tell me something I don't know."

Or someone I don't know - ha, just kidding, (sorta).

You know Lincoln Towing is Satan incarnate.

Fucking fuckers.

You've paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one "street cleaning" ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker -- and chalk it all up to "neighborhood taxes."

More like $125 for towing, $50 for street cleaning, $75 for a city sticker and $90 for a plate sticker.

You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: "I'm going to Jewels"; "I bought it at Targets"; "I couldn't find parking at Wal-Marts".

Not to mention "Domies", (aka, Dominicks).

You've taken the Red Line past the point where all white people get off and all black people get on -- or vice versa.

Yes, and it's not that big of a deal.

You've cursed at a cyclist, pedestrian, or in-line skater on the lakefront path.

Many, many times.

You know the significance of State and Madison.

Yep, 0 North, 0 South.

When you refer to "LSD" you don't necessarily mean the drug.

Not necessarily.

School can get canceled due to both extreme heat AND cold.

This has happened to me several times.

You still claim that the Sears Tower is the tallest skyscraper in the world.

It is! Tallest inhabited floor in the world!

Peter. Francis. Geraci.

Creepy. Bullshit. Lawyer.

You would prefer it if New York just kept Macy's.

Fuck Macy's. I refuse to step foot inside of the old Marshall Field's on State Street since the Communists took over.