Wednesday, May 2, 2007


This morning I was running late as usual, which was blamed entirely on my uncooperative hair and the fact that I need to wash a monumental pile of laundry. After taming that blasted curl on the top of my head and picking out something somewhat acceptable to wear to the office I grabbed my keys/phone/wallet and headed out.

The bright sunlight made me wince as I kicked the morning paper out of the way ("State House Passes Smoking Ban!"). I cursed the person that boxed my car between their old Corolla and a hulking SUV. "Fuck me" I thought, "I'm going to have to bash the hell out all of our bumpers to get out". I sighed and walked towards my car when I noticed a rather larger issue I would have to contend with.

Some pig-fucking-mother-fucking-cock-sucking-fucking-shithead helped themselves to one of my wheels.

"FUCK!!!" I shouted to no one in particular. There was really nothing I could do but stare the ass end of my ride awkwardly perched atop a jack, sunlight peering through the void of where my right rear wheel once stood. After carpet bombing the guilty looking jack with a slew of "F" bombs I went back inside to change into something decidedly less sexy so I could put on the spare tire.

Wrestling a spare tire out of a Japanese hatchback really isn't that easy or fun to do. The factory sub woofer sits within it, and the tools are scattered about the trunk in a completely random fashion. After assembling the parts I realized that along with the tire and the rim, the thieves also made off with the lug nuts, hence I couldn't put on the spare. "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

A call was placed to roadside assistance, who cheerfully offered to send me a flatbed. I questioned how they intended to tow a car with 3 wheels but said they would take care of it, (gotta love that customer service!). I filed a police report and waited. And waited. When the tow showed up the driver asked me how in the hell can he tow a car with 3 wheels. "Yeah, no shit, they said you would 'take care of it'". "Naw, man, I got no word of that". Of course not, (gotta love that customer service).

After sending the tow away I surmised that the only solution was to take a lug nut from each remaining wheel and to secure the diminutive spare to the gaping hole. The parts guys at the 3 dealerships I called all had the same reaction when I inquired about the cost of a replacement tire/rim, "Whoa!". Fuck, I did not need a Joey Lawrence catch-phrase repeated to me at such an early hour.

The estimate? $625 for the rim, $215 for the tire, oh and don't forget the tire cap thing at $31. And they have to special order the rim from god-knows-where-maybe-Japan, so I'm staring down at the better part of a week driving on the nervous spare tire, (who is clearly intimidated by his well endowed brethren). Insurance should take of most of it, but I'll still be out a several hundred dollar deductible.

To think, a set of $50 wheels locks would have prevented this, (which I had installed today). The irony here: the tire/rim they stole was the most fucked up - have fun with it shitheads! Next time try working for a living!


Silly Billy said...

Hi - just came across your blog and thought it was fun. I was just in Chicago the first time myself this past weekend (well I was there once before but a long time ago).

I saw your picture of the BEAN - my friend showed me that on Friday along with the weird spitting towers. Good times.

jay said...

Oh wow. That's just really unlucky. This is precisely why I got the extended warranty on my new computer. A few more dollars is always better than hundreds or thousands of money gone.

They'll get whats coming to them, after all "what goes around comes around." (What is it with me and using slogans from lyrics today?)

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I hate when shit like that happens. My car was broken into - windows smashed, cell phone stolen - on Christmas Eve!

Anonymous said...

um, exactly what sort of pimped out rims did you have on that wheel? and, uh, without being too specific, about where were you parked, so i can make a mental note not to leave my car with its ford factory-installed plastic rims on said street?
and did the police ever get back to you?

JUSTIN said...

24" Spinners Yo'! Just kidding. They're just the ones that came with the car.

It's absurd how much the OEM (Original equipment manufacturer) parts are.

And it really doesn't matter where you park in the city. Once it's dark out all bets are off.

Hamilton said...

that really really sucks man. There is nothing worse than shits like this happens to you. It is utterly unfortunate that youw onder why does it happen to you. Especially on a nice morning, it is like someone opened your ripcage and pooped in there. It is just aweful aweful feeling. At least you are still working, earn that money back.

dan said...

sorry bout your car, that sucks!!!
I had my briefcase taken from my truck in the driveway once including my gradebook and camera the week before school was out, I just hated getting violated like that, I mean, non-sexually and all. j/k
good luck with the wheel man, later.